LAUGH LINES

Ready or Not: “The postal service says it is ready for the annual holiday deluge. . . . They’ve hired extra workers--and brought in extra ammo.” (Daily Scoop)

For Hire: “A sperm bank [in China] is offering students $18 for sperm donations. I don’t get sperm banks. If you were a woman, do you really want the father of your child to be some guy who was so lazy, that was the only job he could get? At least when a guy’s picking you up in a bar, he’s showing a little initiative--he’s staying out late, he’s made up a line, he got to the bar.” (Jay Leno)

Wish Not: “I was at the mall yesterday and overheard the mall Santa ask a little girl what she wanted for Christmas. . . . She said: ‘Anything . . . as long as it isn’t a Kathie Lee CD.’ ” (Andrew Wisot)

Calling It Quits: “After [dating] for almost a year, Jim Carrey [and] Renee Zellweger [broke up]. The Grinch must have rubbed off on Carrey. This is obviously the classic do-it-now-so-you-don’t-have-to-buy-her-a-Christmas-present breakup.” (Alex Kaseberg)

In Print: “Hillary Rodham Clinton said that someday, she will publish her memoirs and they will address her husband’s infidelities. Hillary said she’s halfway through because she’s finished with the first 27 volumes.” (Conan O’Brien)

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