This Kind of Trillionaire Has Zero Value

According to the Philadelphia Inquirer, Harvey Pollack, the NBA’s statistical guru, and some interns analyze every play-by-play sheet in the league--all 1,189 games every year--to come up with such anomalies as who wins the most opening jump balls, whose shot gets blocked the most, who fouls the most away from the play, and which team dominates 24-second clock violations.

A particular Pollack favorite is the “trillion,” in which a player plays a game but has no official statistics. Thus, his box score reads his number of minutes played followed by 12 zeros, making it look like a trillion.

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Trivia time: What do these golfers have in common: Fred Wampler, Bob Lunn, Pat Fitzsimons, David Edwards and Ted Schulz?

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Ideal pairing: Tom FitzGerald in the San Francisco Chronicle: “Barry Bonds may land an endorsement deal with (get this) Armour hot dogs, according to the Chicago Sun-Times.

“Whenever he pauses at the plate to admire his home run, it could be an ‘Armour Hot Dog Moment.’ ”

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Will he bite anyone? Mark Kriegel in the New York Daily News: “Can’t wait for Mike Tyson’s debut as a fullback in the XFL.”

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On the move: Sandy Alderson, major league baseball executive vice president of operations, at a recent Fox Sports Net luncheon:

“Oakland has now increased its payroll to the point that it now ranks third in the Bay Area among all McDonald’s franchises.”

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Roughing it: Ron Rapoport in the Chicago Sun-Times: “The movement to clean up the Olympics is really getting serious. On his inspection tour of Sydney, IOC President Juan Antonio Samaranch asked not to be put up in the $2,500 Presidential Suite and was booked into lesser digs at a mere $646 a night.”

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Clothing scam: Paul Azinger, referring to Ellen Green, former wife of golfer Ken Green, who would select his clothes for him because he was color blind:

“I think the way she dressed him was her way of getting back at him.”

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Sensible priority: Mountain climber Ed Viesturs, 40, on his goal of becoming the first American to scale each of the world’s 8,000-meter summits--that’s more than 26,000 feet--of which 14 exist:

“Getting to the summit is optional. Getting down is mandatory.”

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Trivia answer: They are all winners of the Nissan (Los Angeles) Open.

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And finally: Housekeeper Tomasa Luna, 61, found a money clip with $5,000 in a San Antonio hotel room that had been used by Toronto Raptor Coach Butch Carter earlier this month. She turned it over to her supervisor.

The clip and money were returned to Carter, who gave Luna $1,000 as a thank-you gift.

Why, though, was Carter carrying so much cash with him? Wouldn’t traveler’s checks be safer?