THE NBA

Are you ready for some really unenhanced TV? Before ABC presents Super Bowl XXXIV, here’s a review of the weird and forgettable broadcasting moments of the 1999 football season.

SPICE GUY: Fox tried to liven up its NFL pregame show with several stunts, including comic Jimmy Kimmel’s demonstration of how to eat salsa out of an athlete’s protective cup. (Fox didn’t say which athlete.)

WILDEST LIVE SHOT OF THE YEAR: An ABC cameraman was setting up for the Wisconsin-Purdue game when his ex-wife allegedly tried to shoot him--with a .38-caliber revolver. She fired twice before being disarmed. He escaped unharmed.

WHY BROADCASTERS MAKE THE BIG BUCKS: During Cleveland’s 43-0 loss to Pittsburgh, ESPN’s Joe Theismann informed viewers, “You gotta score to put points on the board.”

THEN, AGAIN ... : Theismann was immortalized in the book, “Stupid Celebrities: Over 500 of the Most Idiotic Things Ever Said by Famous People.” Reason: When asked if former Redskins coach Joe Gibbs was a genius, Theismann responded, “The word ‘genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

TALK ABOUT A TOUGH STATEMENT TO DEFEND: Fox’s Jamie Williams, interviewing 49ers coach Steve Mariucci at halftime of the San Francisco-Carolina game, said: “With the exception of a few letdowns, your defense has played pretty well.” The 49ers had given up 28 points by then.

NOT A NORMAN EINSTEIN MOVE: New Orleans coach Mike Ditka donned a tuxedo and rookie running back Ricky Williams wore a wedding dress for the September cover shot of ESPN’s magazine. It was a brief honeymoon. The Saints went 3-13, and Williams and Ditka were divorced professionally when the team fired the coach.

NOW HE TELLS THE VIEWERS: St. Louis coach Dick Vermeil confessed he happily left his ABC broadcasting job because, “in the booth sometimes, I didn’t know what I had accomplished. There wasn’t the same sense of accomplishing anything.” No wonder he lasted 14 years as a network broadcaster!

SPEAKING OF SMALL ACCOMPLISHMENTS: During a midseason on-field interview with coach Vermeil, no sound could be heard. Suddenly the Fox camera panned the stands. Still no audio. Suddenly an off-camera voice said, “What are we doing?” Silence. Then another off-camera voice said, “I don’t know what we’re doing.”

AN EXPERT ON FAILURE: CBS commentator Jerry Glanville called Cleveland “the worst team I’ve seen in years,” prompting Browns coach Chris Palmer to respond sarcastically: “I know he was a very successful pro coach.” Glanville’s NFL record was 63-73.

STEER CLEAR: Asked about the clownish Glanville’s ratings impact at CBS, Fox exec Vince Wladika alluded to Glanville’s crash in an auto race: “The only time we’re concerned about Jerry is when he gets behind the wheel.”

AND NOT JUST BEHIND THE WHEEL ... : Glanville was sued by a reporter for allegedly running him over with a motorcycle borrowed from the Minnesota Vikings mascot before a game.

MORE WISDOM FROM THE EXPERTS: Before the 1999 New Year’s Day game, CBS’ Craig James declared that “Wisconsin is the worst team ever to play in the Rose Bowl.” The Badgers went on to defeat UCLA in Pasadena.

This season, CNN’s Trev Alberts foresaw little chance of a Wisconsin return to the Rose Bowl, saying “Wisconsin doesn’t have a quarterback and their defense isn’t the same.” Wrong again. The Badgers not only went on to the 2000 Rose Bowl but defeated Stanford.

MOST ANNOYING PROMOS: For several weeks, “Monday Night Football” viewers were shown clips of scenes from other countries, such as Lebanon, followed by NFL clips, with the caption, “Isn’t America Great?” They were followed by a clip of broadcasters Al Michaels and Boomer Esiason playing catch, or worse, wrestling. Where’s Glanville with that motorcycle?

HOLD THE TURKEY: After Fox took an extended look at broadcaster John Madden’s bus during a Thanksgiving Day game, the Chicago Tribune’s Steve Rosenbloom wrote: “Here’s why John Madden and Pat Summerall have to go: The Bears and Lions are nearly in a fight, and we’re stuck watching that turkey tour of the fat guy’s bus. Tell Fox we’re watching the game, not some drooling announcer’s grub.”

Rosenbloom should have given thanks. At least no one was eating out of an athlete’s protective cup that day.

Super Bowl XXXIV will be broadcast at 3 p.m. on ABC.