It Would Be Criminal if XFL Forgot Its Audience

Los Angeles XFL General Manager J.K. McKay has the toughest job in the land, charged with the responsibility of finding 38 football players who have not been convicted of a felony.

It’s an XFL edict: No felons.

You take away most NFL players, most anyone who has played for Florida State, and Todd Marinovich if you want to go all the way down to the Arena League, and you have McKay visiting Boy Scouts of America all around the country.

In Los Angeles, however, criminals will remain very important to the success of the new team. Coliseum General Manager Pat Lynch is predicting crowds of 20,000 to 30,000 a game for the XFL games, and with sound reasoning.

“You have a built-in base with Raider fans, you have your pro wrestling fans,” said Lynch.

Throw in everyone else on parole, weekend furlough or attending one of Dennis Rodman’s parties in Newport Beach, “and you might get 40,000,” Lynch said.

Tickets for the XFL games in the Coliseum will cost between $20 and $25 a game. Team officials might consider including one “Get out of jail” free card in season-ticket packages.

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WHY NOT CALL Los Angeles’ new XFL team the “Raiders?”

And hire Tom Flores as coach.

“How about the ex-Raiders?” said McKay.

Sure, you could call them that, but you couldn’t really have any of them on your team because of the no felon rule.

“We intend to follow that rule,” McKay said.

WWF owner Vince McMahon promised things never seen before on the football field, but the expectation was to see the script calling for The Rock to be blocked by Chyna, or The Undertaker taking out “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.

Imagine the novelty of watching a game without announcers referring to players “who have changed and overcome earlier problems in their careers.”

Lynch has reserved Feb. 3 and a 7 p.m. time slot for the XFL’s opening game, and said he’s convinced after meeting with WWF and XFL officials that fans will be watching “real football.”

“I absolutely believe that,” he said.

And does he believe in Santa Claus?

“No,” he said, but he did pause for an unusually long time before answering.

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A SANTA ANA man paid more than $1 million for a 1909 card of Honus Wagner, and I know where you want me to go with this: So what’s a F.P. Santangelo card worth?

“Fifteen cents,” said Chuck Delong, owner of Chuck’s Sports Cards in San Diego.

It’s not my place to interject editorial comment--just report the facts.

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SOMETIMES THE READERS write better lines than the sports columnist because they don’t have to go into the clubhouse the next day.

E-mailer Doug Jeffrey offered this on Kevin Brown’s clubhouse temper tantrum: “I think Kevin Brown is generally in a bad mood because the price of jet fuel has gone up.”

I’ll tell you, some people just don’t know when to lay off.

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THERE’S NO ONE BETTER at telling the same old stories than Tommy Lasorda, and now there’s a chance he will have new material.

Lasorda will be manager of the U.S. Olympic baseball team, and is already talking about waving the American flag. “I’m a patriot and proud to be representing my country,” he said.

A line is already forming to greet him upon his return.

“The ‘welcome home’ tour will really be something,” said Marc Reede, president of the Beverly Hills-based Nationwide Speakers Bureau. “He’s already getting lots of attention--major requests.”

And how’s this for one of those quirky lifetime coincidences? When Lasorda celebrates his birthday in Australia, his team will be playing Italy that day.

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OH, AND HAVE a nice day:

* Kareem Abdul-Jabbar should have a case claiming marijuana use for medicinal purposes after the pain of working with the Clippers.

* First the Bulldog, and now the Chihuahua.

* The Angels have an interesting approach, a lineup that goes eight-deep, making them look more like a National League team and explaining their 12-6 success in interleague play. Is there some kind of Disney policy against employing a quality designated-hitter?

* Claiming the Denver Broncos and San Francisco 49ers have cheated on their salary caps, Raider owner Al Davis said recently, “In the long history of professional sports, there has never been a dishonest breach of integrity like this. We’ve had players. We’ve had executives, sometimes officials, but we’ve never had owners cheating to gain a competitive advantage.”

None that I can think of.

* The XFL missed a golden opportunity in Chicago. They named Dick Butkus coach when they should have broken ground and announced they were making Butkus and Mike Ditka the first tag-team head coaches.

* Word is Buddy Ryan might surface as coach in the XFL or wrestle Ditka as halftime entertainment.

* According to a news report, a Shadow Hills man has been banned from Dodger Stadium for 1 1/2 years for throwing a cup of hot coffee in the face of a cheering New York Met fan at a game played in May. They consider that punishment?

* The good thing about Angel outfielder Garret Anderson: No matter how many times he makes the same mistake over and over and over again, he’s a stand-up guy willing to take the blame.

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TODAY’S LAST WORD comes from Don M. in an e-mail.

“Hi, I read your comment about Thurman Munson. Gee, a person can’t even count on dying to get away from you.”

I’d go a step further, and play for the Galaxy.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address: t.j.simers@latimes.com.