LAUGH LINES

Clean Break: “Congratulations Steve Young--one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time retired. He’s the first NFL player to end his career this year without the pleading ‘not guilty, your honor.’ ” (Jay Leno)

Classified Information: “Top secret documents [were] missing from the Los Alamos lab. . . . You stamp ‘Top Secret’ on something, what are people going to do? [Read it.] . . . Write ‘Al Gore Transcripts’ [and] no one is going to be thumbing through there.” (Leno)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top Al Gore Tenant Pet Peeves

10. Request to fix leaky faucet has been sitting in congressional subcommittee for 11 years.

7. You put Bush sticker on car, and, mysteriously, the electricity stops working.

6. The rent is a day late and Janet Reno orders break-in to take checkbook.

5. Endless stories about how he invented the mailbox.

3. Tipper showing up in a negligee, saying, “There are other ways to pay the rent.”

2. Al showing up in negligee saying, “There are other ways to pay the rent.”

1. House is always getting egged by George W. Bush.

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