Company Line Is That the Pitching Staff Isn’t a Problem, but the Reality Is That Team Can’t Outhit This Shortcoming

In our make-believe world, the only world where the Angels can exist with a smile right now, a pitcher with an earned-run average of 9.00 would be extra special, would be doing well and would be popular beyond belief.

In our make-believe world, having Ken Hill as the ace of the Angels’ staff would cause Yankee owner George Steinbrenner to grit his teeth in jealousy and get on the phone to offer whatever it would take--Derek Jeter, Paul O’Neill, Mariano Rivera, whatever it would take--to get Hill on the first plane to New York.

In our make-believe world, the older the pitcher, the better and stronger his arm. So 42-year-old Tom Candiotti’s knuckleball would have more dance and spin and movement when it crossed the plate than when it whizzed past his head, headed out of the ballpark for another spring -training home run.

In our make-believe world, Ramon Ortiz would be on a strikeout tear, not have a tear in his shoulder, and Angel Manager Mike Scioscia would not have to add a phrase every time he says, “Fill-in-the-blank threw well except . . .” You know, “ . . . except for that six-run inning,” or “. . . except for that home run that left Scottsdale and landed in downtown Phoenix.”

In our make-believe world, the Angels wouldn’t have to consider a 9-8 victory a pitchers’ duel, and the Yankees’ 1927 Murderers’ Row would not look down at the Angel pitchers and say, “Whew, thank goodness we didn’t play these guys because we sure couldn’t hit enough to keep up with the other guys.”

In our make-believe world, the pitcher who has been performing best this spring, Scott Schoeneweis, the 26-year-old lefty who had given up only three earned runs in 12 innings before Tuesday’s game, would not give up nine runs on 11 hits in four innings Tuesday afternoon in Tucson.

But for those of us not among Angel management, this isn’t a make-believe world. Schoeneweis was battered and broken and thoroughly beaten up by the White Sox, 12-3, Tuesday. Welcome to the world, Scott, the real world.

In the real world, e-mail comes from desperate Orange County baseball fans wondering if it can possibly be true that Tony Tavares, Bill Stoneman, et al, really, truly believe that Ortiz, Candiotti, Hill, Jason Dickson, Jarrod Washburn, Brian Cooper, Kent Mercker, Schoeneweis--a cast of who-are-theys and used-to-bes--will be the best the Angels have to offer.

The answer seems to be yes.

There is nothing wrong with these pitchers, new GM Stoneman insists. Over and over. A 12-3 loss to the White Sox on Tuesday? Nothing wrong with that. A 9-8 victory over the Giants on Monday when Cooper put up a six-spot? Hey, Scioscia said, Cooper threw some nice pitches, made some nice adjustments. Except for that one inning.

If the Angels could get a do-over inning every game, maybe this could work. But every rotisserie league fanatic would laugh at the Angels’ pitching staff. Every fantasy league manager would resign under protest if handed this staff.

Hill, the alleged ace, won’t talk to the local media and who could blame him? Why would he want to talk about his spring training ERA of 9.00 in 12 innings? Hill is nothing if not symmetrical: 12 innings pitched, 12 runs given up, 12 hits allowed. Figure that out over a full season.

Even the ’27 Yankees couldn’t win games 9-8, 13-12, 11-10 day after day. Can’t be done. Not then, not now, not ever.

Scioscia smiles and says he and his pitchers “are going to be fine.” Scioscia smiles and says his pitching staff “is very good, very versatile.”

Scioscia smiles and says Ortiz is throwing hard now and his shoulder doesn’t hurt, and that even if Ortiz’s shoulder doesn’t get better real soon, “We’ve still got a pitching staff I’m confident about.”

Scioscia smiles when he says, “Cooper threw one bad inning,” or that Schoeneweis threw “a couple of bad pitches,” or that Mercker “is coming around.”

How do the Angel hitters feel? They roll their eyes in private. In public they will put on a happy face, for now. They’ll live in the make-believe world, for now because, well, why not?

The real world is going to hit soon. It’s going to hit and hit and hit the Angel pitchers. There aren’t enough hitters in the league to overcome this staff.

But poor Scioscia, the rookie manager, is going to have to play make-believe all season, it seems. Because everything is just fine . . . in a make-believe world.

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Diane Pucin can be reached at her e-mail address: diane.pucin@latimes.com