Cutting In on Dirty Dancing

The NFL, overwhelmed by a spate of negative publicity and seemingly endless criminal conduct, has moved quickly to address the problem and today is expected to outlaw the “Bob ‘n’ Weave.”

Under a tough new edict, which will require 24 votes from the 31 owners to pass, the NFL intends to fine the guilty parties who participate in a celebratory act that involves two or more players.

According to NFL Competition Committee co-chairmen, Minnesota Coach Dennis Green and Tampa Bay General Manager Rich McKay, this also includes any “sexual suggestive acts.”

Players will not be penalized for sexual suggestive acts, of course, but they will be fined. McKay and Green declined to elaborate, so it’s unclear at this time if the rule will extend to each team’s cheerleaders.

The NFL’s get-tough policy, which follows weeks and weeks of discussion and input from a wide range of experts, does not cover off-field criminal behavior, which can continue unchecked.

First things first, and that’s the importance of protecting the integrity of the game.

It’s complicated, but to clarify, the “Lambeau Leap” is still OK, so long as two players do not take off and jump into the stands at the same time. This is probably why the league is also expected to bring back instant replay today so officials can use it to determine if both players’ feet leave the ground at the same time.

“The Bomb” also has been banned. In Buffalo, that doesn’t exactly come as something new to the people accustomed to watching Doug Flutie throw the ball. But that’s something else entirely, said an NFL official. This rule will ban “the Bomb” as used in Baltimore. The Ravens will no longer be allowed to copy the routine they swiped from the movie “Any Given Sunday.”

Last season, when a Raven scored, players circled him while he treated the ball as a grenade, tossing it into the air, then everyone fell down “dead” when it hit the ground. Now, all survivors will be subject to heavy fines.

“The Dirty Bird,” which became a symbol of the Atlanta Falcons’ renaissance, is all right because it involves only one dirty player.

According to the letter of this new rule, Denver’s Terrell Davis will be allowed to deliver the “Mile High salute,” but Ed McCaffrey must wait for him to drop it before returning it to avoid financial devastation.

The Chargers obviously do not have to worry about this move to curtail entertainment because they don’t score, but it could result in lawsuits elsewhere.

The Rams’ “Bob ‘n’ Weave” has been trademarked in St. Louis. A song has been written for the dance move. It’s on T-shirts, bumper stickers and signs plastered throughout the stadium.

“We intend to block the ban on the ‘Bob ‘n’ Weave,” said Stan Kroenke, minority owner of the Rams. “It’s just a bunch of guys having fun.”

Well, there will be none of that.

“Fun,” huffed George Young, NFL executive and former general manager of the Giants. “That’s [nonsense]. These moves are premeditated.”

This is why Tiger Woods never played football. Sooner or later, all his teammates would have been throwing their fists into the air after a big play and he would have gone broke from the fines.

Getting beat by the Rams is tough to swallow, but isn’t this going a little bit overboard? Call it just one of those silly NFL coincidences, but the Rams scored their three playoff victories over teams with three of the most prominent members on the Competition Committee--Green, McKay and Tennessee Coach Jeff Fisher--that voted 7-0 to recommend martial law when it comes to fun.

“Somebody obviously complained to the league about us,” said new St. Louis Coach Mike Martz.

The St. Louis move began with wide receiver Torry Holt wanting to pay homage to Muhammad Ali. When the Rams score, the players gather in a circle, bend over and move their arms as if they are shadowboxing. They do that now and they will pay.

Ram owner Georgia Frontiere, however, will still be allowed to blow kisses to the crowd after her team scores. But the new rule that prohibits two people from performing a celebratory act would prohibit her from hugging and kissing the team’s starting quarterback, as she has been known to do.

Ram quarterback Kurt Warner will get over that disappointment, but there’s a 17-year pattern here of making football dull. The NFL disbanded the “Fun Bunch” in Washington after the 1983 season. The Redskins, after scoring, used to form a circle and then jump together in the air and high-five each other. The Cowboys took exception on one occasion and a skirmish broke out, which prompted the league to stop such merriment.

When Cincinnati running back Ickey Woods became a sensation, doing the “Ickey Shuffle” after a touchdown, the league said it would penalize him for doing the dance on the field. So with Coach Sam Wyche’s permission, and to the appreciation of Bengal fans, Woods took his shuffle to the sideline and put on a show behind the team’s bench. When Woods stopped dancing, Cincinnati’s fun stopped, and there hasn’t been any there since.

Dallas running back Emmitt Smith used to rip off his helmet after scoring a touchdown, but the league put a stop to that a few years ago and now any player removing his helmet on the field will be hit with a 15-yard penalty.

The way things are going, if two players high-five each other, they might soon be facing a firing squad.

“We don’t want to go back to the ‘No Fun League,’ ” McKay said. “But we watched high school tape, and in that tape there are acts by high school teams which are direct copies of our acts. It really showed you, as a league, that we have some obligations weighing on the player conduct that should occur.”

On the bright side, as soon as high school football players start trying to shoot each other off the field, the league will address the issue of attempted murder.