In This Locker Room, They’re Electing to Duck the Issues

The Mighty Ducks’ locker room is filled with people from Canada, Russia, Finland, Sweden, Ukraine, Czech Republic, Belarus.

And the United States.

But mostly these hockey players are from somewhere else and they will not be voting today in the U.S. election.

So as a public service, and to take their minds off a certain dispiriting trip against two bad teams that resulted in one lousy point, the question was posed to some Mighty Ducks Monday: What do you think about our presidential candidates?

“Somebody named Bush is running,” said Oleg Tverdovsky. And who else? “I don’t know. There is somebody else?”

Hey, Tverdovsky is from Ukraine. Ukraine hasn’t been a country all that long. It used to be part of the Soviet Union. There wasn’t ever much of a choice for voters in the Soviet Union. There was the Communist candidate. There was Siberia. So excuse young Tverdovsky if he thinks you only need to know one name.

“I have no favorite,” said Teemu Selanne. Selanne, from Finland, is no different from many U.S. voters. Many of them have no favorite either. But if they vote, they have to pick somebody anyway.

Selanne is amused by the furor over George W. Bush’s 24-year-old DUI conviction. “Everybody seems too concerned about finding dirty laundry,” Selanne said. “It seems like if somebody’s cousin did something stupid 30 years ago, then it becomes news.

“I wonder why a political campaign must be so negative?”

Kind of like how the Ducks’ fans are feeling about their hockey team these days, judging by the sagging attendance at the Arrowhead Pond. Kind of negative. But that’s another story for another day.

Duck General Manager Pierre Gauthier doesn’t have to run for election. If he did, Selanne might see some very negative campaigning going on if e-mail opinions on the Ducks’ 10th-place standing in the West are any indication of the way the popular vote might go.

Anaheim Coach Craig Hartsburg was moved to point out that there is an upcoming election in Canada, too. The typical U.S. voter has a hard time naming the U.S. candidates for president so it is safe to say we don’t much concern ourselves with that nasty, name-calling, mudslinging campaign up north, eh?

Hartsburg sheepishly admits he is not all wrapped up in Canadian politics. He will not vote in that election. He can’t vote in the U.S. election. Maybe next time, though, for Hartsburg has applied for U.S. citizenship. And if he could vote here?

“This election is very important to Canadians,” Hartsburg said. “Whatever happens in the U.S. affects Canadians.” Now there’s a politician’s non-answer answer. Pressed again, Hartsburg smiles. “I like the way the economy is going. Whoever is responsible for the economy, let’s keep them.” Bush or Gore? Gore or Bush?

Hartsburg has gone into his office now.

So we turn to Paul Kariya, born and raised in Vancouver, a smart, well-spoken Canadian. Kariya should be eager to tell us Americans all about Canada’s candidates. Right, Paul? Paul?

“Who’s running?” Kariya asks. Spoken like a true U.S. citizen wannabe who must be wrapped up in the U.S. campaign instead. “Not really,” Kariya said. “I’m concentrating on other things.” Kariya is unlacing his skates and has a certain look in his eyes. It’s time to move on. Kariya is not a political animal, it seems.

German Titov, who is from Moscow, is quite proud of himself.

“I know,” he said, “that there are two candidates. Gore and Bush.” For this we should award Titov honorary citizenship and let him vote. Who would get that vote? “No comment,” Titov said.

Niclas Havelid, the defenseman from Sweden, watched some of the presidential debates. He watches the TV commercials. He notices the political ads. And what has Havelid learned from all this?

“Honestly,” Havelid said, “not too much. I don’t know what to think of it all.” So all those millions of dollars spent by candidates to inform voters? “I don’t think you can learn very much by that,” Havelid said.

In another corner of the locker room sit Dan Bylsma, Mike Leclerc and Matt Cullen. Bylsma and Cullen are American-born. They can vote. In fact Bylsma already has cast an absentee ballot. He went for Bush, if somewhat unenthusiastically. Bylsma wishes Ralph Nader, Green Party candidate, had been included in the debates and soon he and Cullen are chanting “Green Party, Green Party.”

Leclerc, a Canadian, won’t be voting but he has been paying attention. “At first I liked Gore,” Leclerc said, “but now I think Gore seems even phonier than Bush. So I guess if I could vote, I’d vote for Bush.”

Bush--vote for him, he’s not as phony as Gore.

Is there bumper-sticker potential here?

And Cullen, he’s not voting. Cullen is from Minnesota. He does have a political candidate of choice though.

“Jesse, The Body,” Cullen said. “Jesse, The Body, at least he says what’s on his mind. He’s not phony.”

Jesse “The Body” Ventura, Minnesota governor, ex-pro wrestler. Candidate of the locker room. The mood has picked up with the mention of “The Body.” Debates have begun, pulses are rising.

Only in America.

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Diane Pucin can be reached at her e-mail address: diane.pucin@latimes.com