Best Defense Is to Find Another Line of Work

Defensive guru Bud Carson, who recently came out of retirement to help the offensive-oriented St. Louis Rams, is finding out it might be too late for him to do any good:

“That’s all it is today, offense. There are no defenses. If I was coaching [full time] today, I wouldn’t be a darn defensive coordinator because you can’t win. You’re programmed to lose.

“There are a couple of guys that for the most part will maybe stick their heads above the clouds, like Tampa Bay, Tennessee, whoever, but it’s a thankless job.”

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Trivia time: Who holds the NCAA Division I-A record for having the most passes intercepted in a game?

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On tap: The NHL’s Calgary Flames have a unique advertising campaign, according to Eric Francis of the Calgary Sun.

“Posted at eye level above the urinals in every men’s washroom in the Saddledome is a chart comparing draft beer prices in every NHL rink in Canada,” Francis writes. “Talk about preaching to the converted.

“The ‘Dome’s 14- and 20-ounce beers are the cheapest in the league, and everyone who drinks ‘em is sure to be reminded of that every time they’re done renting it.”

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Gone with the (golf) wind: Jerry Greene of the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel is only lukewarm on the golf-oriented movie “The Legend of Bagger Vance,” giving it a three on a scale of five:

“The entire film, which is way too long at more than two hours, is so slow I thought I was watching ‘The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.’ ”

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Opinion: Greg Cote in the Miami Herald: “Biggest Ado About Hardly Anything: 1. Eagles crediting pickle juice for increased stamina. 2. Dennis Miller in the Monday booth.

“Littlest Ado About Something Big: Bengal Corey Dillon’s 278 rushing yards setting a single-game record the same day Viking Gary Anderson became the NFL’s career scoring leader.”

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Hillary hit: From David Letterman: “People from all over the world come to run in the New York Marathon. Come to think of it, people from all over the country come here to run for senator.”

First Lady Hillary Clinton might know something about that.

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Paranoia: Oakland Raider owner Al Davis, on the NFL’s probe of the San Francisco 49ers’ salary-cap violations: “Hey, if it was the Raiders involved, they would have called the FBI.”

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Looking back: On this day in 1958, the Sid Gillman-coached L.A. Rams defeated the San Francisco 49ers, 56-7, at the Coliseum.

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Looking back again: On this day in 1984, Larry Holmes scored a 12th-round technical knockout of James “Bonecrusher” Smith to retain the IBF heavyweight title in Las Vegas.

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Trivia answer: John Reaves of Florida, nine, against Auburn on Nov. 1, 1969. He threw 66 passes.

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And finally: In the late 1970s, ABC had “Monday Night Baseball” with Al Michaels, Howard Cosell and Bob Uecker. Michaels told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel recently that they were doing a game in Houston when Uecker chided Cosell for saying something outrageous.

Responded Cosell: “Ueck, you don’t have to get so truculent. You do know what truculent means.” Uecker, without missing a beat, said: “Of course, Howard. If you had a truck and I borrowed it, it would be a truck you lent.”