Polls Don’t Lie, Only Anchors

Deeply dissatisfied with its performance on Election Night, CNN management has decided to demote its Election 2000 team to CNN/SI, also referred to as the “toy department,” though not without its own sharp edges. A bit uneasily, the anchors, analysts and field reporters brace for their first assignment: an NFL game between the Buffalo Bills and Indianapolis Colts.

Bernard Shaw: Well, America, here we are. You might not recognize us against this unfamiliar backdrop of large men wearing protective headgear and shock-absorbent padding. Although, I must say, we could have used this kind of equipment in the days since our 2000 presidential election coverage. (Chuckles to himself.) I mean, we have been getting pounded.

Bill Schneider (nodding in agreement): Hammered.

Jeff Greenfield: Thrashed.

Shaw: Summarily dismissed.

Judy Woodruff: And we deserve it. All of it. Boy, did we run the wrong way with that one.

Schneider: Twice!

Shaw: In football parlance, we pulled what you would call another “Wrong Way Riegels.”

Schneider: Twice!

Shaw: Which explains why we are here, monitoring down-and-out patterns instead of exit-poll results. Although, no skin off my nose. I’m out of here in February, as you have probably heard.

Woodruff: We have just received word that Indianapolis has kicked off to Buffalo. I don’t know. Can we trust this information?

Greenfield: I believe we can. Look at the television monitor. See, touchback. Bills’ ball, first and 10, on the Buffalo 20-yard line.

Woodruff (covering her face with her hands): I can’t bear to look. Is it safe?

Schneider: All of our tracking research points to a Colts’ victory today. The Colts narrowly won the primary back in early October, 18-16, but have campaigned hard ever since, winning the ground war against Seattle and Detroit before moving on to this key battleground. Tough sledding ahead for the Bills, I’m afraid. This being a traditional pro-Colts stronghold.

Greenfield: This being Indianapolis.

(With 12:49 left in the first quarter, the Bills kick a field goal.)

Shaw (tapping two fingers against his earpiece): Just a second . . . New information coming in . . . Can it be? . . . Well, sit down for this one, ladies and gentlemen. CNN is now a projecting a VICTORY in Indianapolis for the Bills!

Woodruff: I’m not sure about this. Can we trust this data?

Shaw: This time, we can. There it is, up on the RCA Dome scoreboard. Bills 3, Colts 0. Cold, hard numbers.

Greenfield: I’m speechless.

(CNN goes to star-spangled, red, white and blue graphic, Wade Phillips beaming in the foreground, Bills’ flag proudly rippling in the wind behind him, huge “BILLS WIN” splashed across it all in very dignified, very presidential-looking white type)

Shaw: And so it is done: Wade Phillips, 53 years of age, a son of a football coach, son of a Texas legend, who learned his craft at Bum’s knee, who never played the game on the professional level, who became the 11th head coach of the Buffalo Bills in January 1998, a relative neophyte to the high-stakes game of NFL head coaching, is a surprise winner in Indianapolis.

Woodruff: We take you now to our field reporter Candy Crowley for reaction from the Bills’ camp.

Crowley: I’m here with Bills’ field-goal kicker Steve Christie, the man who just put Wade Phillips over the top. Steve, I’ve been with this team all week, traveled on the same bus as you, watched all your practices, but I never could have predicted this. How in the world did we pull this one off?

Christie: We? What position do you play, Candy?

Crowley: Oh, sorry. I just get caught up in campaign fever from time to time. Tell me, Steve, how were the Bills able to engineer this great upset, deep in the heart of Jim Mora country? That is, aside from your marvelous placekicking.

Christie: Candy, we haven’t won anything yet. It’s only the first quarter.

Crowley: But the numbers don’t lie. Bills 3, Colts 0. The points have been counted. CNN has called it.

Christie: That’s ridiculous. We still have 55 minutes to play.

Crowley: Has Coach Mora phoned Coach Phillips to concede?

(Christie turns and walks off camera.)

Crowley: There you have it, Judy. The Bills camp--taking absolutely nothing for granted.

Woodruff: I tell you, guys. I’m still worried about this.

Shaw: Nonsense. Scientific study has proven: Lightning never strikes twice.

Schneider: Thrice!

Shaw: So, Jeff, let me ask you: What does this defeat do for the career of Jim Mora? A man who has suffered so many disappointments in New Orleans, in the postseason, never able to get anywhere near the big one, let alone win it?

Greenfield: Well, he did win the United States Football League championship with the Philadelphia/Baltimore Stars.

Schneider: Twice!

Shaw: But the USFL was a bush league, was it not?

(Greenfield, Schneider and Woodruff burst into uncontrollable laughter.)

Greenfield (taking off his glasses, wiping tears from his eyes): Good one, Bernie.

Shaw: Don’t lose focus! Don’t lose focus! Eye of the tiger! Remember what happened Tuesday.

Woodruff (de-fogging her glasses): We go now to erstwhile White House correspondent John King, who has been covering the Colts camp.

Shaw: John, what is the mood where you are at? It must be abject disappointment and despair.

King: Um, well, actually, no, Bernie. I’m standing on the Colts’ sideline now and, as you can hear, many players are cheering. It appears Peyton Manning has just completed a long pass.

Shaw: But what do Colt insiders tell you about Jim Mora’s future as a viable head coaching candidate? After this crushing defeat, on his home turf, where CNN had projected an easy victory, one would have to surmise he is through.

King: Well, Bernie, I just spoke to Coach Mora about that theory. And what he said to me cannot not be repeated here.

Shaw: Interesting. How would you characterize his mood then? Defiant?

King: Well . . .

Shaw: How about that? Jim Mora, refusing to concede even at this late juncture. Bill, you have to admire that in him. Always the fighter.

Schneider: True. But as you can see from the graphic behind me, CNN has already compiled a list, based on absolute and total conjecture, of the names most likely to replace Mora as Colt figurehead: Bill Parcells, Ray Rhodes, Dennis Erickson, Bob Stoops and Hillary Rodham Clinton.

(With 9:37 left in the first quarter, the Colts kick a field goal. Colts 3, Bills 3.)

Shaw: What’s this? . . . Hold on . . . Am I reading this correctly?

Woodruff: Oh no. What now?

Shaw: Ladies and gentlemen, it appears CNN’s earlier projection of a Phillips victory was premature. We have received new information leading us to believe that this contest is now too close to call. Therefore, CNN is taking Indianapolis away from Phillips and placing it back in the undecided column.

Woodruff (running hysterically off the set): I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!

Schneider: Wow. We’re in for a wild ride tonight.

Greenfield: I can say one thing for certain. George Halas and the founding fathers never imagined this.

Shaw (tapping two fingers against his earpiece): Just a second . . . New information coming in . . . It now appears CNN management has decided to demote us again. This time to the Entertainment division. Effective immediately.

Schneider: Based on our tracking data and exit-poll interviews, CNN is projecting “Billy Elliot” as the winner of Best Picture at next year’s Oscars.