Figure This Out Without a Calculator

Quarterback math at NFL U.:

Equation: 2 - 1 =38.

Practical application: Subtract one of two quarterbacks from the St. Louis Rams, either one, makes no difference, and the result consistently will be greater than 35 points and/or the team on the other side of the line of scrimmage.

Proof: In 1999, an injury subtracts Trent Green from the equation, leaving the Rams with Kurt Warner + 13 regular-season victories + 3 postseason victories = the Vince Lombardi Trophy. In 2000, an injury subtracts Warner from the equation, leaving the Rams with Green + 4 touchdown passes + 1 touchdown run = 38-24 victory over NFC East-leading New York Giants.

Equation: 340 + PI + 0:00 + [1 Audible - 1 Clear Head] = Loss 2 Seattle Seahawks.

Practical application: No quarterback in the NFL passed for as many yards as Mark Brunell’s 340 on Sunday, but the 21 points produced by the Jacksonville Jaguar quarterback were still less than and not equal to the Seattle Seahawks. Factor in a pass interference penalty in the end zone as time expired, add 1 more play from the Seattle 1, subtract the running play originally called in the Jaguar huddle, add Brunell’s audible calling for a pass into the end zone, subtract 1 very confused Jaguar receiver Alvis Whitted from the equation (Whitted ran the original play instead of the ad-lib) and the result is 1 pass 2 nobody + a 28-21 loss 2 the 4-7 Seahawks.

Equation: Flutie + 3 W In Row X .750 = 2nd String.

Practical application: 6 feet - 2 inches = Doug Flutie, pinch-quarterback for the Buffalo Bills with a .750 winning percentage in 4 starts, making him less than Rob Johnson, according to the logic of Coach Wade Phillips. Sunday, Flutie completed 16 of 26 passes, which is equal to 61.4%, during a 20-3 victory over the Chicago Bears--after which Phillips announced he was benching Flutie to make way for Johnson in the Bills’ next game, against the Kansas City Chiefs. The victory over the Bears was Flutie’s third in succession. Good thing he hadn’t won 4 in a row. Phillips would have waived him.

Equation: Akili : Bengals as Achilles : Jim Miller.

Practical application: In the halls of knowledge surrounding Soldier Field and Paul Brown Stadium, they are accepted truths: A torn Achilles is to Jim Miller as a tormented Akili Smith is to the Cincinnati Bengals.

In Chicago, attrition on the part of Cade McNown had amounted to addition by subtraction--removing McNown and his problematic shoulder (which, this time, was also injured) from the lineup and replacing him with Jim Miller, who was producing positive statistical data until he suffered a torn Achilles in the second quarter against Buffalo. Action: Shane Matthews in at quarterback. Reaction: Bears lose, 20-3.

In Cincinnati, Bengal Coach Dick LeBeau is no longer torn between Smith (0 touchdown passes in 6 games) and Scott Mitchell, named by LeBeau on Sunday as the team’s new No. 1 quarterback after a 23-6 loss to the Dallas Cowboys.

Asked by reporters if he might welcome a brief reprieve from his weekly bashings on the field and in the press, Smith produced a counter-argument: “What kind of question is that? I’m a competitor. Would you want to sit down from what you’re doing, from your job, to think about what you’re writing, the questions you’re asking. Of course not.”

Smith’s argument is flawed in that most Bengal beat writers, experts now in the relationship between 1 bad football team and the gravitational pull toward the bottom of the AFC Central standings, would gladly welcome a vacation right about now.

Equation: 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 0 + 3 + 3 = Get A Grip, Baltimore.

Practical application: Zero touchdowns for the Baltimore Ravens multiplied by 5 weeks = Trent Dilfer in for Tony Banks at quarterback = 3 touchdowns in a 27-7 victory over Cincinnati on Nov. 5 + 3 touchdowns in a 24-23 victory at Tennessee on Sunday = Raven tight end Shannon Sharpe bear-hugging Dilfer on national TV and shouting into the camera, “Trent For President! No Gore! No Bush! TRENT!”

Startled by this new evidence, academics from institutions of higher learning from AFC East to West now posit that Sharpe immediately apply a cold compress and take a long nap.

Equation: Chargers - (QB < Marino) - (QB < Moreno) = Guy With Hernia Quarterbacking Chargers.

Practical application: If you accept the statement “Moses Moreno is no Dan Marino” as truth, and if you accept the statement “Moses couldn’t lead the San Diego Chargers to the promised land, but Ryan Leaf couldn’t lead the Chargers out of the locker room” as truth, and if you accept the statement “Moreno and Leaf are both hurt and unable to do the Chargers any further harm” as truth, then you are left with no other choice than to turn the whole thing over to hernia sufferer Jim Harbaugh, who Sunday was forced to finish off the Chargers’ 10th successive defeat of 2000, 17-7 to the Miami Dolphins.

Question: Why does Harbaugh have a hernia?

Answer: From carrying the franchise as long as he has.

Equation: 0 - 0 = 0.

Practical application: First forwarded by Prof. Billy Preston in the 1970s (“Nothin’ From Nothin’ Leaves Nothin’ ”), this theorem was ultimately disproved by the Cleveland Browns, who had been getting nothing from Doug Pederson until Sunday, when Pederson actually passed for a touchdown and the Browns actually surpassed the New England Patriots, 19-11. Top mathematical minds in and around Cleveland are not yet sure what to make of this development. Or how to classify it. Do they call it “The Massachusetts Miracle”? Or “Good Thing We Got Rid of Belichick When We Did”?