You Knew the Ram Story Was Going to Have Legs

It’s pretty obvious now that the Rams are going to go undefeated, score 100 points against somebody to win, 100-81, and repeat as Super Bowl champions.

No complaints here, as long as they beat the Raiders in Super Bowl XXXV, and the game is blacked out in Los Angeles.

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NOW I KNOW the Rams are worried, as ridiculous as that might seem, because their kicker is injured, which forced them to score two points for almost every touchdown scored Sunday rather than one.

Although they don’t really need one, they were making plans to find another one Monday, so I called Ram President John Shaw and suggested Heather.

“That’s interesting,” Shaw said, sounding excited and willing to take my advice for the first time that I can ever remember. “Heather Kozar--oh-oh.”

I never gave him the chance to ask for her number, because my first concern was to quell his desire to upgrade the look of his team with the playmate of the year, and tell him I was really talking about Heather Sue Mercer, the best female kicker in football aside from Kathy Ireland. Mercer just got $2 million from a jury because Duke didn’t recognize her talent.

“I’d rather sign Heather Kozar,” said Shaw, raising the question of who would get the centerfold consideration in the next Ram media guide: Heather Kozar or Georgia Frontiere?

While you ponder that visual image for a moment and wonder just where they would put those staples, I ask you not to overlook the entertainment value of Heather Sue Mercer.

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CONSIDER THE ANTICIPATION, the TV ratings if the Rams put a uniform on her. The competition between Melissa Stark, Lesley Visser, Pam Oliver, Bonnie Bernstein, Barbara Walters, Eric Dickerson, Suzy Kolber and Andrea Kremer to land the first interview could be billed as Survivor II.

No other team, of course, could get away with it, but this one is so dominating that it could afford it, and it has a female as an owner, who knows a thing or two about making a spectacle of herself.

It’s my understanding that Mercer does not have “a good leg,” but has great legs, because the Duke football coach suggested she should take an interest in beauty pageants rather than play football. I imagine if he had just grabbed her by the neck and choked her like any other disappointing athlete, everything would have been fine.

But Mercer sued, because that beauty pageant remark was a doozy and because she said she was being treated differently on the basis of her sex. The jury bought it and awarded her $2 million, even though she has never made a field goal beyond 35 yards.

She’s now available to the Rams while the appeal process runs its course, and knowing she can’t kick very well, the team would have to keep going for two points after every touchdown. That’s so much more exciting than the automatic extra-point kick, and curious as most people are, they would remain watching late into every game hoping the lady would get a kick.

It could be worse--you could have Sebastian Janikowski determining whether you win or lose.

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I CALLED USC President Steven Sample Monday morning, but he did not return the call. Still watching game film, I would imagine.

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IT’S OBVIOUS THAT the Kings have become the St. Louis Rams of the NHL, scoring more goals than any other team (28), while playing no defense.

As soon as they sign Jozef Stumpel, why go along with the pretense of playing with a goalie? Start the game with Jamie Storr in goal to see how the drop of the puck goes, and then pull “The Sieve,” and go on the attack.

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THE MEDIA, WONDERING if five interceptions were enough to send Troy Aikman to the bench, went to the Cowboys’ head coach, and Jerry Jones said, “No,” there would be no changes.

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SWITCHING BACK AND forth between the Fox and CBS pregame shows, I managed to catch the act of an elephant named Rasha, weather babe Jillian Barberie, astronaut and a book-stumping Buzz Aldrin, comedian Jimmy Kimmel, time girl Suzanne, Mike Ditka and Jerry Glanville.

If I left any buffoons out, I apologize.

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RADIO BROADCASTERS SUGGESTED during the New York-Seattle game that Yankee owner George Steinbrenner is “enamored” with the Angels’ Mo Vaughn and might try to deal Tino Martinez and some other unnamed player for him.

Ask Reggie Jackson. Strikeouts do not bother “The Boss,” so long as the ball leaves the park every once in a while.

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WITH THREE WEEKS to go before voters determine whether the Arizona Cardinals will get a new stadium, they have this to chew on: “We’re garbage,” Cardinal safety Pat Tillman said.

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ENOUGH WITH THE Shaquille O’Neal is Mother Teresa stories, using $150,000 of the $248 million he will ultimately get from the Magic and Lakers when it’s all said and done to buy some watches. That’s loose change.

Come on, he makes a big deal about Mark Madsen rolling into Staples Center in a 9-year-old minivan, but if the big guy’s so generous, instead of getting Madsen a favorable lease deal on a Chevy Tahoe, I would think he would have bought the rookie the dealership.

By the way, my wife drives an 8-year-old Ford Escort, and I’d hate to see her roll into Staples Center one day. . . .

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TODAY’S LAST WORD comes in an e-mail from Stephan:

“Wondering if you have been doing your yoga exercises? With the Raiders in command, I’m concerned you won’t be flexible enough to get your foot in your mouth. I’m not worried about it fitting. Raider fan for life!”

That’s usually what a Raider fan gets.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address:t.j.simers@latimes.com