LAUGH LINES

Animated Action: “Joe Lieberman said America cannot afford a Barney Rubble president in a George Jetson world. If Al Gore had his way, we’d all be driving Fred Flintstone’s car.” (Argus Hamilton)

Science Project: Emery University researchers “have used genetic engineering to make polygamous mice monogamous. [That means] mice that would normally have a large number of sex partners have been genetically engineered to be faithful to just one mouse. Today, President Clinton called for a ban on human testing.” (Jay Leno)

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The EssentialDavid Letterman

Top Signs You Won’t Be Winning the U.S. Open

10. Ball boy has dropped 17 pounds from chasing everything you’ve hit into the net.

9. Your coach keeps yelling, “Hold the racket by the other end!”

8. Nobody can talk you out of wearing your lucky scuba gear.

5. Training regimen consists entirely of video “Pong.”

4. Your serve was once clocked at 6 mph.

3. Your only endorsement deal: Healthco Aluminum Walkers.

1. You won the 1906 U.S. Open.

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