‘Compassion’--Another Fractured Fairy Tale

Perhaps you read that Pizza Hut just lost its legal challenge against Papa John’s over which makes “better” pizzas.

The U.S. Supreme Court--no less than Themselves--decided that it’s OK to claim whatever you want about your pizza.

Anybody following headlines out of the White House could have guessed as much. No limit on the claims being made there, either.

To wit: The president of the United States has advertised himself as a “compassionate” conservative out to “bring us together.”

But first, pizzas. As I understand the case, Pizza Hut lawyers said that Papa John’s use of filtered water and fresh dough, rather than frozen, did not make a better pizza. Pizza Hut sued its rival for deceptive advertising.

For several years, the lawsuit wound through the courts. Times reporter David Savage quoted Pizza Hut to the effect that “this case is about the consumer’s right to expect truthfulness in advertising.”

The Supreme Court recognized no such right. It upheld a ruling that excused Papa John’s advertisement as, what else, “typical puffery.”

I don’t know who is correct about the better pizza, but I’m willing to give Papa John’s a try on grounds that boldness should be rewarded.

I think many Americans had a similar thought in mind last November. George W. Bush advertised himself as something better on the political scene, a conservative with compassion. Before, these words were found in proximity only in the dictionary. The idea that they could be blended into a new policy direction appealed to America’s goodness of heart as well as its faith in bootstraps, not to mention our exhaustion with partisanship.

But now I have on my workbench the first stack of clippings in the category, compassion.

A proposed prescription drug “benefit” that would require a widow with a $15,000 pension to spend thousands on medicine before getting assistance? A budget draft with a $200-million cut in child care grants by the man who would “leave no child behind”? A suggested 18% reduction in child-abuse programs? A side-door Pentagon deal to prop up Boeing while the bankruptcy noose is tightened around the necks of people seduced into credit card debt? A rollback in new safety standards for arsenic in drinking water--returning the country to the days of lead paint and unfiltered Camels?

Compassion, according to Webster’s, means this: sorrow for the suffering or trouble of another or others, accompanied by an urge to help.

Instead, Bush feels the urge to joke. He opened his monologue at the Washington Gridiron dinner with a gag about using the glasses of water served to the gathered press corps to study how much arsenic is OK. Texans have a different sense of humor entirely.

Of course it was reported that journalists in the audience joined in laughter, proving their own curious take on what’s funny.

Only by the extreme terms of tough-love could the opening themes of this administration be judged as compassionate.

Our last three presidents gave us reason to believe that campaign themes pretty much translate into administration policy. Ronald Reagan ran as conservative without qualifiers. That’s pretty much how he turned out. Bill Clinton ran as a new kind of Democrat. With welfare reform, debt reduction and NAFTA, he pretty much was. Even Bush’s father, though he flubbed his own lesson in lip reading, pretty much made good on a promise not to be Michael Dukakis.

The tradition may not survive this current Bush. Perhaps he’s been studying Mark Twain, who advised: “Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.”

Five months after the election, Bush’s claim on compassion can only be described by a word as spongy as “puffery.” As for uniting the country, yes, he has made headway. What unites everybody I know are the jitters about their jobs and savings.

Honk if you’re feeling better now than a year ago.

“Compassionate conservative” is beginning to sound less like a political ideal than an assault on our language--and by a man whose command of English is an unfinished homework assignment. Of course, he thinks that’s funny too.

During the last administration, the integrity of the chief executive’s back-room behavior was a consuming matter. Maybe Washington will likewise absorb itself with the integrity of this new president’s promise.

Otherwise, the only thing different about this kind of conservatism is the jingle.

Try arsenic in your pizza, you won’t need another.