They Seem to Be Under Par in This Market

Mike Bianchi in the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel: “You want to really unnerve some of today’s PGA Tour golfers and give them the yips? All it takes is this simple question: ‘So how are your investments doing?’

“Stocks are plummeting faster than Greg Norman on Sunday at Augusta. Portfolios are plunging like XFL ratings. . . .

“These guys are so in tune with the market, you mention the name Bobby Jones and they ask, ‘Is he any relation to Dow?’ ”

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Trivia time: Who holds the course record in the Masters tournament?

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Raider spin: Ron Rapoport in the Chicago Sun-Times: “Some of my favorite coverage of the Raiders’ suit against the NFL comes from the Raiders themselves. One recent press release began:

“ ‘Former NFL President Neil Austrian was on the witness stand and offered more contradictory testimony, changing many of the statements he had made less than 24 hours earlier.’ ”

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Revelation: Scott Ostler in the San Francisco Chronicle: “Yao Ming, the 7-5 Chinese center, says he wants Americans to learn more about his country.

“ ‘All they know about China is the Great Wall and the giant panda.’ Hey, we’re learning already. I had no idea China had a Fenway Park and a David Wells.”

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On the mark: The Baltimore Sun, on some baseball marketing slogans it would like to see: A sampling from the American League West:

* Oakland Athletics: “Just win cheap, baby.”

* Seattle Mariners: “We don’t need no stinking superstars.”

* Angels: “Stop by after you visit the new Disneyland.”

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Self destructing: Arizona Diamondback pitcher Brian Anderson cut his finger as he tried to pull up a jammed atomizer plunger from a bottle of cologne. His teammates couldn’t have been surprised by the freak injury.

Anderson once burned his cheek testing an iron to see if it was hot. He also once locked himself out of a Cincinnati hotel room stark naked, supposedly sleepwalking.

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Cold feet: Just 10 minutes before he was to fight James Carter in Atlantic City, N.J., boxer Aaron Mitchell excused himself from his dressing room, He claimed he had to answer nature’s call. He never returned.

“This has never been done to me before,” said promoter Murad Muhammad. “He said, ‘I’ve got to go to the bathroom.’ I had this happen before, but not 10 minutes before the fight.”

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She’s ready: Brandi Chastain hopes the debut of the Women’s United Soccer Assn. is every bit as momentous as the debut of Major League Soccer five years ago. “I want something like that for the fans and I want something like that for the players,” Chastain said. “And if means somebody has to take their shirt off, so be it.”

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Not a clue: Ruben Patterson of the Seattle SuperSonics isn’t big on geography, says Peter Vecsey of the New York Post.

“Picked up in Sacramento’s airport several years ago for a pre-draft interview by the Kings, the Cincinnati star remarked to the driver, ‘Amazing how many California license plates are around here.’ ”

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Looking back: On this day in 1994, Arkansas won its first NCAA men’s basketball championship with a 76-72 victory over Duke, depriving the Blue Devils of a third title in four years.

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Trivia answer: Nick Price and Greg Norman, each with 63s in 1986 and 1996, respectively. Note: neither won.

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And finally: Tim Foley, former Miami Dolphin safety, on the battered bodies of former NFL players:

“The only person that could truly understand how we feel would be a crash-test dummy for General Motors if he had a 10-year career. And that’s if you looked in on him after he got some age on him.”