Always Room on Zamboni for One More Hockey Fan

Being a hockey fan as long as I can remember, I think I can say I feel a great sense of personal satisfaction in getting the Kings this far.

As you know this came with considerable personal sacrifice, what with some e-mailers mistaking my motivational efforts to spur on the hockey team with some sort of perceived disgust for the humorless boors that come out of the California sunshine to sit on their big fannies in the cold watching a dumb sport with high hopes a fight breaks out.

My error, of course, for not being more clear.

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I HAVE TO tell you, it’s always a delicate balance between being a fan and a trained professional with the uncanny ability to identify the weaknesses in a really wretched horrible team. I’d like to cheer for the Dodgers, but . . .

There are times when I have to be a critic, which hurts me, of course, more than anyone else. For example, I do not believe I will be appearing in any of Sylvester Stallone’s movies any time soon--even though people tell me all the time I’d make a great bad guy.

Now I’m sure Coach Andy Murray and his faithful band of skaters were doing their very best earlier this season, but it just wasn’t good enough.

I mean Murray was asking some guy with the nickname “The Sieve” to play goal. I can’t tell you if I was the one who suggested to trade for Felix Potvin--I know he was the goalie on my fantasy hockey team and for all I know I mentioned that to Dave Taylor--but the important thing is he’s here now.

I wanted Rob Blake traded because I think it’s important that billionaire Philip Anschutz maintain his ranking in the Forbes 500.

With Potvin in net, the Kings still needed a jolt, so I struck up a conversation with broadcaster Stu Nahan, and if there is such a place as hell, I have my own idea now what it’s going to be like.

By the way, did Stu ever tell you he was a goalie? He will--with something like 13 million people living in the metropolitan area, it’s slow going, because Stu’s going door-to-door. Don’t worry about slamming the door in his face--remember, he played goalie in the days when they didn’t wear masks.

Anyway, Stu carries a lot of influence with the Kings, because there have been times in the organization’s history when he has been their only fan, well, their only fan in the media. So I used Stu to make fun of hockey and the Kings because I knew that would rankle the humorless boors that some people might call Kings’ fans, and then they would demand excellence from the guys on skates so they could throw it back in my face.

In all modesty, if I don’t play the humorless boors that some people might call Kings’ fans for suckers, the team doesn’t make the playoffs.

Thank-you cards are really not necessary, although in some cases I believe letters of apology would be appropriate. I know it’s a hockey fan thing, but this time, please, don’t try writing with your toes.

As for the Kings’ players, I know it’s customary in football to present a game ball to those who have contributed the most to a victory, and while I have a lot of those, I’d like to think this could be my first hockey puck.

Call me silly, but if it comes, I will probably put it somewhere close to our cat, “Ziggy.” The way she was purring this morning, I swear she actually knew the guys beat the Red Wings.

Let me tell you, it would be nice once in awhile not to be constrained by the obligation of objectivity. I mean, I wanted to run a different mug shot with my column today to join in on the celebration, you know, one with me in my Kings’ sweater, but apparently it’s against company policy.

If I didn’t know better, I would have said The Times has something against the Kings. But the editors here aren’t like that. I hear them all the time asking for volunteers to cover the Kings.

I know for the longest time Plaschke thought you had to have Elliott as either your first or last name to write about the Kings, but that has been cleared up.

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I DON’T THINK there’s any question we’re all thrilled by this unbelievable, pinch-me, history-defying miracle with the Kings advancing in the playoffs and providing their fans with four more hockey games.

“Do you know there were 18,000-plus fans going nuts in Staples Center for the Kings?” someone named BurkeBarge wrote in an e-mail.

I know that, and that’s why I’m rooting hard for the Kings.

I believe it’s important to keep all those nuts in one place as long as we can.

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I DON’T BELIEVE the referees are favoring the Lakers. I just believe, like everyone else, they don’t like the Trail Blazers.

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SAN DIEGO’S 42-year-old Rickey Henderson needs one more walk to break Babe Ruth’s record of 2,062.

I figure at the rate Dodger leadoff man Tom Goodwin is going, averaging a little more than 30 walks a season, he will catch Henderson when he’s 90 years old.

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THE ANGELS’ WIN over the Indians on Tuesday marked the 100th anniversary of the first game in American League history. It would be wrong to assume that was the last time Anaheim won.

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I’VE BEEN TOLD there are tickets remaining for Saturday’s Busch Auto Club 300, the Winston West 200 and a concert with Blue Oyster Cult at the California Speedway. Hard to believe.

Sunday’s Napa Auto Parts 500 is sold out. Hard to believe.

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TODAY’S LAST WORD comes in an e-mail from Ivan:

“I am 15 years old, and through your column I have learned to write insults and get away with it.”

Don’t do it, kid--you gotta go straight--it’s e-mail hell out there.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address: t.j.simers@latimes.com.