Spy Business Has Bruins Watching Their Back

Bob Toledo is really taking this business of closing down UCLA’s practices seriously, sending the campus police Monday to the roof of Parking Garage 8 during the morning workout to make someone stop videotaping.

Frankly, I thought it was pretty clever of the cameraman--trying to win the grand prize on America’s Funniest Home Videos by filming the Bruin defense at work.

Paranoid Bob, of course, has security guards patrolling the garages that adjoin the Bruins’ practice field every year before the USC game because it’s a well-known fact Trojans hang out in such places. I would imagine any time a BMW pulls into Parking Garage 6, the campus cops are all over it.

Just don’t know how they missed Paul Hackett, which can be the only explanation for USC’s victories over the Bruins the past two years.

THE BRUINS banned all USC spies, parents, girlfriends and hecklers from attending practice as of Monday because Paranoid Bob said he was tired of reading about his team on the Internet.

I found it odd, however, that an employee of an institution for higher education would want to shut down the information superhighway.

I was also struck by this picture I had of Paranoid Bob hunched over his computer, surfing the Internet, scanning the message boards and touring the chat rooms to see what all the yahoos were saying about his team.

I know everyone uses screen names on the Internet and I tried e-mailing someone who signed in as “No-Dee,” in the hopes I was getting to Toledo, but it was a Dodger fan, so I had to go to the Bruins’ practice.

The first thing you notice when you go to a UCLA practice is the cyclone fence surrounding the field has been covered with a green tarp to prevent peeking. I’m a columnist--not an investigative reporter--so I can’t tell you if it’s electrified or not. I’ve asked Steve Henson from our staff to check.

Now as soon as I passed through the gate Monday, No. 19 began yelling at some of the UCLA managers and pointing frantically at me as if I was Pete Carroll. It’s probably a good sign for USC if one of UCLA’s players is more concerned about who comes in the gate than what is going on the field.

I began taking notes, which really made No. 19 uncomfortable. I noted that Toledo was standing between two football fields and doing nothing. I’m guessing this is the kind of Internet stuff that really irritates him.

I began charting plays for The Times’ Web site, which should really help Alabama when it’s posted: Cory Paus hands ball to DeShaun Foster, Cory Paus hands ball to DeShaun Foster, Cory Paus hands ball to DeShaun Foster. . .

Then I took a break, went to the University Center and noticed a real enterprising spy could buy a UCLA manager-like shirt for $60 and a pair of blue shorts for $25 and probably blend in with the support staff. After eating two Krispy Kreme doughnuts, it dawned on me someone could eat a ton of these and then pass themselves off as one of the coaches.

“I’m really not paranoid,” Paranoid Bob said, and I don’t remember if I asked him if he was.

I know he told me he doesn’t know much about computers, and that’s what I tell my wife when she walks into the room and my mouse has taken me to places I’ve never been before. He said Randy Taylor, the Bruins’ director of football operations, monitors the Internet and gives him what he finds.

Taylor said there’s a lot about UCLA on the Internet, and every other school. He said Alabama closed practices for the same reason as UCLA. He said it’s tough to tell fact from fiction on the Internet, but it must be checked, which suggests it might work in a team’s favor to plant misinformation.

“I’m sure our coaching staff has thought of that,” Taylor said.

That’s why I’m picking the Bruins to win the Pac-10.

“You know what bothers me about the Internet?” Toledo said. “It’s stupid. People make stupid comments.”

That’s why reporters are allowed to watch practice, of course, because they don’t make stupid comments.

“I didn’t say that,” Paranoid Bob said.

WHEN DON Coryell coached the Chargers, he was so paranoid about the Raiders spying on his team he made everyone stop practicing each time the local traffic helicopter flew over the field. If a helicopter flew over a Raider practice, it would be shot down.

WHAT HAPPENS to Mike Scioscia and his contract extension to manage the team when Disney and major league baseball agree to disband the Angels?

“We covered all those bases,” Scioscia said. “If there’s no team, I’ve got to work at Disneyland.”

I couldn’t tell if he was joking.

A FAN ran onto Edison Field in the top of the eighth, dropped his pants and was tackled. It was just like the old days when the Rams played here. Georgia Frontiere’s probably wishing now she never left.

YOU KNOW things are going bad for your football team when quarterback Jeff George announces he’s feeling better, and that’s considered good news.

RYDER CUP captain Curtis Strange selected Paul Azinger, who has overcome cancer, and Scott Verplank, who has battled diabetes and wears an insulin pump. At least Plaschke will have something to write about.

THE WAY Chad Kreuter went after Chan Ho Park the other day, I’m wondering if Park swiped his favorite baseball cap.

THE LAS Vegas Bowl will be played on Christmas Day now that the Pac-10 has agreed to provide its fifth-place team. USC should draw a big crowd.

TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Charlie:

“It’s hard to accomplish, but I think you’re the very worst sports writer in any L.A. publication, and you’re probably proud of that.”

First of all, I’d like to thank my mother and father; my English teacher, Bill Simmons, who didn’t flunk anyone; my aunt Joan, who knew I had it in me; Roger Farrell, who hired me when no one else would . . .

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com