Life Is Getting Very Crowded in the Middle

Point, counterpoint in the NFL, Round One:

The Brothers Gramatica take turns kicking game-winning field goals in overtime--Martin from 21 yards to lift Tampa Bay over Cincinnati, 16-13; Bill from 36 yards to clinch Arizona’s 34-31 upset of Oakland. Substance: no difference. Style: edge to Bill for his post-kick celebratory somersault.

(Obviously, this stuff runs in the family. Wouldn’t you like to see childhood Christmas morning home movies?)

Point, counterpoint in the NFL, Round Two:

The Colts return to Baltimore to drop off a few deposits--two fumbles by Dominic Rhodes, two interceptions by Peyton Manning. The Ravens match each takeaway with a giveaway of their own. Watching on the sideline, Johnny Unitas remembers why the Colts lost Super Bowl III to the Jets. Watching on the sideline, Jim Mora remembers he left home without packing a defense. Ravens 39, Colts 27.

Point, counterpoint in the NFL, Round Three:

Chicago Bear defensive back Mike Brown on the current state of the league: “There are no bad teams in the NFL. The games go down to the last four minutes and whoever makes the plays wins.”

We pause here for rebuttal, but first, how much time do you have?

There are many bad teams in the NFL--Brown’s Bears barely beat one of them, the 0-11 Detroit Lions, by a field goal, 13-10. In fact, the bad teams in the NFL are outnumbered only by the mediocre ones--and how about that NFC East, eh?

Put enough bad teams on the same field, bring enough mediocre teams together on Sunday, and this is what you’re going to get:

Eight games decided by six points or fewer.

Three games decided in overtime.

Three teams tied for second place in the NFC East at 5-6.

Ten teams at either 6-5, 6-6 or 5-6.

The good teams in the NFL, you can count them on the fingers of Kurt Warner’s hand--the one that didn’t throw any interceptions in Atlanta, which explains why St. Louis beat the Falcons by 29 points on the road six days after losing to Tampa Bay at home. Or on the toes of Jerome Bettis’ foot--the one that helped him clinch his sixth consecutive 1,000-yard season in Pittsburgh’s 21-16 victory over Minnesota.

(Of course, the Steelers nearly blew a 21-3 lead at home to a 4-7 Viking team quarterbacked in the fourth quarter by one Todd Bouman, the pride of St. Cloud State. But, you know, ‘tis the season to be generous.)

St. Louis, Pittsburgh, Chicago and San Francisco are all 9-2, except no one’s really sure what to make of the 49ers--their day of reckoning comes next game, at St. Louis--and everyone knows all they need to know about the Bears, who have adopted a new theme song for the home stretch: “Livin’ on a Prayer.”

The Bears would have been taken, should have been taken into overtime by the winless Lions, except kicker Jason Hanson, the most reliable Lion of them all, shanked a 40-yard field goal attempt with 21 seconds left, his third miss of the game.

Every team in the NFL has been known to break out a Hail Mary pass every so often.

The Bears are the first to break out a Hail Mary season.

Two victories stolen in overtime on interception returns by Brown. Two others swindled at the gun on misses by two of the league’s most dependable field goal kickers, Hanson and Tampa Bay’s Gramatica.

That much separates the 9-2 Bears from 5-6. Something greater than all of us is clearly in play here, there’s no sense trying to understand it, and opposing coaches, if you really want to figure out a way to beat the Bears, you might want to throw away the game films, burn some incense and dust off the Ouija board.

Even Bear Coach Dick Jauron, in denial through November, now concedes his team might be receiving help from beyond the depth chart.

“We’ll take that ‘lucky’ label,” he says, “as long as it sticks to us.”

The Mojo of the Midway, or whatever it is, clamped down hard on the Lions, keeping them in contention for the NFL’s first 0-16 season while separating the shoulder of Detroit quarterback Charlie Batch, who was replaced by a kid named McMahon, at Soldier Field, and I’d better stop there, because this is starting to weird me out.

More weirdness: Before Sunday, Washington had dragged itself up from the dregs of 0-5 to the ranks of pristine mediocrity at 5-5 (and this, in today’s NFL, lands you on the cover of Sports Illustrated). The Redskins then stepped out for a home game against the last-place Dallas Cowboys, who were starting rookie Quincy Carter behind center (pregame quarterback rating: 14.5) because it was Quincy’s turn in the Cowboys’ four-man pitching rotation--and the Redskins lost, 20-14.

That’s nine consecutive victories over Washington by the Cowboys, who are 1-8 against the rest of the league this season, which got Dallas linebacker Dexter Coakley to thinking.

“Maybe we should play the Redskins all year,” Coakley suggested. “We’d be 16-0.”

If that’s what it takes to take the machete to the high weeds of parity, young Dexter’s idea might be worth a look.

Any other suggestions?

Well, yes: Have Rian Lindell keep trying field goals until he makes one.

This worked wonders for the Seattle Seahawks against the San Diego Chargers.

Lindell tried once, with 4:25 left in regulation, from 43 yards. Wide right.

Lindell tried again, as time expired in regulation, from 48 yards. Wide left.

Lindell tried a third time, from 24 yards, in overtime.

Finally, a winner. Seattle 13, San Diego 10 ... and Seahawk Coach Mike Holmgren down on one knee, head in his hand, either in deep prayer or excruciating stomach pain, or both.

“I couldn’t look at that one,” Holmgren confessed. “He made it, bless his heart.”

That field goal moved the Seahawks into sole possession of second place in the AFC West.

At 6-5.

Join the crowd.