Holiday Letter: Keep It Light, and Hold Bragging to a Minimum

Last Christmas, Regan Allan sent her first holiday letter to 75 family members and friends. She might wait a while before trying again.

Some people made a joke of it, according to the 30-year-old mother of two. Friends “were telling us we were acting like older folks,” she says, explaining that they told her people of her generation don’t usually write holiday letters.

As to its contents, Regan decided to include newsworthy items such as an announcement of her pregnancy and a rundown of hubby Jim Fleischer’s home improvement projects. “People were saying they wanted to hire him out,” she says, laughingly.

Because of last year’s response, the couple haven’t figured out what to do about this year’s holiday greetings. But Regan’s grandmother certainly has. Bernice Allan has been sending out Christmas letters for 50 years.

For the last 20, says Regan, “[my grandmother] talks about who’s died over the past year and her illnesses and her friends’ illnesses. But that’s her age. That’s what you are going to hear about.”

True, say etiquette experts, noting that many people also use holiday letters as a forum to vent or brag. They say skip the complaints and the crowing.

“You want to make your letter personal, amusing and interesting, but you don’t want to prattle on,” says Pittsburgh resident Honore Ervin, who co-wrote the etiquette book “Things You Need to Be Told” (Berkley Books, $9.95) with childhood chum Lesley Carlin. The duo, known as the Etiquette Grrls, also has a Web site, etiquettegrrls.com, which features a Q&A; section for readers.

“You don’t need to say Penelope has her first tooth and has developed her first allergic reaction to bananas,” notes Ervin. “It’s also not the time to announce your divorce.”

“I wouldn’t start off with ‘Merry Christmas, everyone, my mom just died,’” says Carlin, who suggests sparing the poor reader. “The death of a close family member is a major event,” she says. “If you have questions about whether to include it, maybe don’t go the letter route this year.”

Jeanne Comeau agrees. “These are the holidays--cheerful times--the letter should be upbeat,” notes Comeau, who runs the Etiquette School of Boston (www.bostonetiquette.com).

“The letter should not cause the recipient to feel depressed, feel that they should have been there during the year or that they should have been in touch more,” she says.

Still, if bad news must be sent, make it brief, says etiquette expert Wilvia Medina, former consul of the Dominican Republic.

Veteran letter writer Evie Cavanaugh followed this advice when she informed friends of her husband’s death, which occurred 13 years ago. Cavanaugh, 77, says the letter did not dwell on her husband’s death, and she linked the segment about him to the comment that she was “going on with life.”

“I made it light. People don’t want to read something sad during Christmastime.”

But if you still feel the need to mention problems, here’s one way to handle a health-related issue.

“You don’t want to give details on your husband’s knee surgery, but you can include a line like, ‘My husband is doing well after his recent knee surgery’ and keep it at that,” says Charlotte Ford, author of three etiquette books including her latest, “21st Century Etiquette: Charlotte Ford’s Guide to Manners for the Modern Age” (Lyons Press, $24.95).

While sadness is a big no-no, humor is not. Medina recalls the letters of a friend who injected comical incidents into the text and followed the stories with “ha, ha, ha.”

“I could almost hear her laughing,” she says. “There is nothing like someone writing their thoughts and feelings and [conveying] their laughter. The fact that they send it to you is a gift itself.”

Ideally, holiday missives should be written by hand--using nice stationery and pen to deliver uplifting newsworthy events that occurred during the year. Keep it to one page. If you have a large list of recipients, type it in a legible font, make photocopies (although some experts disagree) and enclose a brief, handwritten note with a personal message.

Be sensitive to religious diversity, says Medina. “A card with Jesus is appropriate to a Christian family. However, a Jewish family may not have the same sentiments.”

Also, while transmitting information is not a problem, boasting is. “‘Johnny is doing well at Harvard’ is good news,” Medina says. If he has a 4.0, is doing a law degree and gene cloning at the same time, that’s overkill.”

However, some writers, including Cavanaugh, are not reluctant to include a little bragging, as long as her readers know what’s in store.

“I warn them,” she says when her letter is about to discuss her 12-year-old grandson. “I talk about the stuff he does, and when I’m through with him, I say ‘end of bragging time’ in large letters.”

For Etiquette Grrls’ Carlin, pet peeves include letters and cards with photos beyond the call of reason.

“If there’s a new baby in the household, a photo would be nice,” she says. “But when it becomes sort of a silly production like the family wearing reindeer headgear, that’s a little much.”

What presses Ervin’s annoyance button are cards and letters sent to people who shouldn’t be on the recipient list.

“I think you should only send them to friends and family,” she says. “There is no need to send out [a high volume of] Christmas cards unless you are a business or, perhaps, the president.”

And speaking of recipients, suggests Medina, make sure they’re still alive, and if they are a couple, that they’re still together. Updating your list is essential, she says.

Finally, she suggests ending your letter with good news and good wishes. Which means you should write it when you’re in an upbeat mood and in a quiet place.

“After crashing at the mall for 12 hours,” she says, “is not a good time.”