This Town Has Pieces in Place for NFL Return

I’m here to help, so I called the NFL on Monday and suggested they hire Chad Kreuter and immediately place him in charge of crowd control.

I also told the league we are preparing ourselves for the return of the NFL, knowing after the time we spent with Al Davis and Georgia Frontiere, and listening to Al Lerner and Carmen Policy talk in Cleveland on Sunday, it’s an NFL prerequisite to have really odd people in control, who are capable of saying the dumbest things.

In that regard, I told them I thought Dodger GM Dan Evans has the real makings of an NFL executive, and since he’s readying the Murdoch property to be sold, I figure he’ll be available about the same time as the Chargers.

The NFL has more immediate concerns, of course. After watching more than 1,000 bottles, Tim Couch bobble-head dolls, batteries, radios and coins tossed at players and officials at Cleveland--almost no one hitting their target--it was just one more indication there aren’t enough good quarterbacks out there, and that’s not good news for the league.

By the way, now that the precedent has been set and bobble-head dolls are being thrown to the ground, I’ve got the feeling no Tom Lasorda bobble-head doll within reach of Evans is safe any longer.

Then again, after watching Mike Trombley pitch last season, I’d like someone to give Trombley a Lasorda bobble-head and see if he could hit the ground.

This is America, the land of capitalism and tremendous entrepreneurial spirit, so I’m surprised someone isn’t already franchising “Chuck Centers,” where fans can practice tossing souvenirs, thereby venting their frustrations, strengthening their throwing arms and improving their aim.

I think it’s already a pretty good indication of the impact soccer has had on our country, what with so many youngsters playing the game and ignoring Little League, that when it comes to throwing bottles they look like girls doing it ... or Trombley.

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NOW I know there is going to be a lot of moral indignation expressed over what happened Sunday at Cleveland, but I would have to think the person who developed plastic beer bottles is going to be more upset than anyone else in this thing--now that they will probably disappear forever.

Aramark made a pitch to the Dodgers before last season to sell beer in plastic bottles, but before I could guess the team had rejected the idea fearing Tom Goodwin would have to spend the rest of his life wearing a batting helmet, Derrick Hall, the team’s PR specialist, said the proposal had been turned down because it didn’t want the image of a beer-guzzling father with his son seen on TV.

Now when TV spots a fan in the stands at Dodger Stadium--and that’s going to be some kind of search next year--Vin Scully can wax poetic about the love of a father for his son and the endearing way he’s able to juggle a cup of beer without spilling a single drop on the little tyke.

Apparently, plastic bottles are commonplace in the NFL with Lew Merletti, the Browns’ security representative, estimating only two teams don’t use them.

In last season’s Super Bowl at Tampa, beer was sold in plastic bottles, but none were thrown on the field because Ray Lewis was playing for Baltimore, and he had just been cleared of a murder rap, but that didn’t mean he necessarily had anything against going into the stands.

Beer, of course, is very important to the NFL. Miller Lite sponsors the league’s player-of-the-year program, and while I am going out on a limb here, I don’t think it will be anybody from Cleveland.

Now me, I’d rather see a more realistic kind of award program with the player with the most DUIs required to sing “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” before the Super Bowl. Cory Paus would be ineligible because he still has another year of college.

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OBVIOUSLY, IT’S not a good idea to sell beer in bottles to unhappy fans, so it goes without saying there are no bottles at Edison Field.

My concern, however, is one day fans will snap en masse and just let the Angels have it with their magic wands.

Tim Mead, the Angels’ PR specialist--and he sure has to put in a lot of overtime--recalls something like 1,400 seat cushions being tossed on the field in 1995 after a poor performance by relief pitcher Mitch Williams. Now you know why the Dodgers didn’t pass out seat cushions while Jeff Shaw was here.

The Dodgers forfeited a game in 1995 after fans threw promotional baseballs onto the field to protest the ejections of Raul Mondesi and Eric Karros. After the game, St. Louis Cardinal bullpen coach Bob Gibson told The Times, “Dodger fans used to be among the best in baseball. I’m afraid you can’t say that anymore.”

Since then, of course, all those people have moved to Cleveland and have become football fans.

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IT’S MY understanding the 2004 NBA All-Star game soon will be officially awarded to Los Angeles to be played in Staples Center.

I KNOW this, if Denver Nugget Coach Dan Issel had been there for the Jacksonville-Cleveland game, he would have told those fans a thing or two.

TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Debbie:

“I just had the unfortunate experience of reading what you wrote in the Lincoln Journal Star. You make me SO MAD. Listen, buster, if you ever show up on my door step, you’ll get the door slammed in your face.”

I get the message--I’ll cancel that vacation to Nebraska.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.