This Osmonds Movie Is One Bad Apple

Two scenes from tonight’s unintentionally campy ABC movie “Inside the Osmonds” call attention to scathing reviews the enduring pop group has received over the years. Perhaps the family should brace for more negative notices from anyone viewing this truly bad bio-pic.

Opening in 1970 and unfolding in standard chronological fashion, this underwhelming melodrama strikes several sour notes as it charts the highs and lows in the lives of Alan, Wayne, Merrill, Jay, Donny, Marie and Jimmy. After departing “The Andy Williams Show,” the clean-cut, conservative and close-knit brothers sign with slick label owner Mike Curb. A bona fide hit-maker, Curb (Colin Ferguson) guides the band to popular bubble-gum hits and quickly sees the enormous commercial potential in young Donny, aptly described as “money in the bank.” But the more gold records that go on the wall, the more frustrated some of the siblings become as they fall from the forefront and lose an opportunity to write rock songs.

Stern but fair, father George (Bruce McGill) makes his presence felt at recording sessions (“The lyrics are inappropriate”), calling for unity and perfection in everything they do. “Faith, family, career, in that order,” is his personal credo for one and all, and no one in the family ever disagreed. Meanwhile, mother Olive (Veronica Cartwright) provides emotional support.

The Osmonds are given minimal dimension as individuals, with Alan (Joel Berti) emerging as a tough taskmaster when he produces “Donny & Marie,” the hit ABC variety show in which Donny (Patrick Levis) railed against his weekly portrayal as the resident “idiot” and Marie (Janaya Stephens) was an earnest pro.

Other members of the family come across as stick figures. For example, lead singer Merrill (Ryan Golden Kirkpatrick) pouts when Donny becomes the lead singer, and Wayne (Jason Knight) is depressed when the group loses sight of its music, making him “a clown on someone else’s hit show.” For the most part, it’s difficult to work up any sympathy for their personal plights, and though their gripes may have been legitimate, they seem like mere whining in the Matt Dorff script, which was approved by the Osmonds.

The tinkly, manipulative music is no help, and neither are the unpersuasive performances, with the exception of Stephens, who turns in decent work. The more the brothers try to open up and express their feelings, the more wincingly painful it gets.

The film’s most noteworthy sequence arrives in the finale, when the real family members stride on stage for a performance of “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother.” Afterward, a postscript tells us the Osmonds are still performing after 43 years, leaving one wishing they had produced a more compelling account of their lives.

* “Inside the Osmonds” can be seen tonight at 8 on ABC. The network has rated it TV-PG (may be unsuitable for young children).