Dull Game-Day Matchup Superseded by Itinerary

Memo to: International sports media.

From: National Football League Publicity Dept.

Re: Super Bowl XXXV.

Welcome to sunny Tampa! We apologize up front for the matchup; nothing we could do about it. But at least now you know that we do not rig these things, unlike that rumored wrestling football league some of you have erroneously written about. No hard feelings. As a matter of fact, we have planned the following fun-filled schedule to keep you distracted from sunrise to deadline. Have a Super week!

SUPER MONDAY

3:30 p.m.--The Baltimore Ravens’ team charter arrives at Tampa International Airport. Media are invited to attend and see for themselves that the Ravens do indeed fly by airplane, not gas-filled dirigible. We keep telling you: It’s only when the Ravens have the football that they travel like it’s 1936.

SUPER TUESDAY

10 a.m.--Photo and Interview Day at Raymond James Stadium.

Note: The Ravens have informed us that they will not do any interviews about linebacker Ray Lewis’ double-murder trial.

Note: The Ravens have informed us that owner Art Modell will not answer any questions about Cleveland.

Note: Giant Coach Jim Fassel has informed us his assistant coaches will not be available to answer any questions about football, including how they devised the offensive and defensive strategies that overwhelmed favored Minnesota in the NFC title game, 41-0.

Given those parameters, we suggest the following guidelines for Interview Day:

For Modell: “My, you look so much better in purple than brown.”

For Lewis: “My, you look so much better in purple than orange.”

For any Giant assistant coach: “Do you have the time?”

4 p.m.--CBS Sports holds a news conference to assure everyone that, yes, they are positively thrilled to have spent $4 billion for the right to televise the National Pastime and to bring the Giant-Raven Super Bowl into the homes of dozens of excited viewers.

6 p.m.--Television crews and still photographers will be allowed one hour inside Raymond James Stadium to shoot the site of the Super Bowl. No one, however, will be permitted in the end zones, same as the players.

7 p.m.--Media party at the Florida Aquarium. Main course for writers and broadcasters who could not in a million years foresee a Giant-Raven Super Bowl (that would be 99.7% of you): Crow. Dessert: Humble pie.

SUPER WEDNESDAY

12:30 p.m.--Presentation of the NFL All-Heart Performance Award, given to the player whose performance in a 2000 regular-season game demonstrated the most courage and determination. Members of the Minnesota Vikings still invited, even though they showed no heart in NFC title game.

4:30 p.m--Presentation of the Miller Lite NFL Player of the Year Award. Finalists Daunte Culpepper, Marshall Faulk, Rich Gannon, Eddie George, La’Roi Glover and Donovan McNabb gather to discuss this year’s Super Bowl matchup and how in the world they could let this happen.

SUPER THURSDAY

Noon--NFL Consumer Protection News Conference. League executives will show examples and provide tips for fans to distinguish between authentic and bogus Super Bowl merchandise. Joe Montana, Trent Dilfer will serve as visual aids.

Noon--The Southwest Airlines Pro Tow II. A team of former and current NFL players will compete against a team of Tampa firemen to see who can tow a jet airplane the farthest in a charity fund-raiser and a moving tribute to the Raven defense, which has been towing a load of dead weight all season.

2 p.m.--E-Trade Super Bowl Halftime Show News Conference. MTV officials will discuss the show they will produce, a musical extravaganza featuring ‘N Sync, Britney Spears, Mary J. Blige and--for those fans old enough to remember when Super Bowl teams cut players like Dilfer instead of starting them at quarterback--Aerosmith.

SUPER FRIDAY

11:30 a.m.--NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue gives his annual state of the league address. Theme (subject to change): No player arrests at the Super Bowl this year!

Noon--Super Bowl Pregame Show and National Anthem News Conference, featuring the Backstreet Boys and Styx, or as they are known in the industry, “The Giants and the Ravens of pop music.”

1:30 p.m.--Super Bowl Coin Toss News Conference. Participating in this year’s pregame ceremony will be former Giants Bill Parcells and Ottis Anderson and former Raiders Tom Flores and Marcus Allen, who will discuss the art of the coin toss and the following strategies that have proven effective in previous Super Bowls:

“Heads.”

“Tails.”

3 p.m.--Hershey’s Million-Dollar Kick training session. San Diego Charger kicker John Carney will help train this year’s contestant, who will try to kick a field goal for $1 million. As part of the demonstration, Carney will attempt field goals from 50, 55 and 60 yards--also known as “The 2000 San Diego Charger Offensive Game Plan.”

SUPER SATURDAY

11:30 a.m.--Pro Football Hall of Fame Committee announces Class of 2001 enshrinees. Media-pool winner for Most Likely Excuse For Not Voting In Jack Youngblood This Time: “Jack? Oh, we thought you said Jim Youngblood.”

SUPER SUNDAY

1:30 p.m.--Hershey’s Million-Dollar Kick. If this year’s contestant successfully kicks a field goal, he or she will a) win $1 million; b) give the Giants and the Ravens a mighty tough act to follow.

2:30 p.m.--Buses begin departing Media Center for Raymond James Stadium.

3 p.m.--Media gates open.

5:30 p.m.--Pregame show begins. Earplugs can be found next to the apple in your box lunch.

6 p.m.--Baltimore Ravens and New York Giants kick off Super Bowl XXXV. Ladies and gentlemen of the media: Sorry, but at this point, you’re on your own.