Driving Home the Point With Humor

Comic Len Carter, a senior citizen who speaks about pedestrian safety at local seniors centers, gave this spiel in an appearance covered by KNX’s Diane Thompson:

“I take 40 different medications. They make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts. I’ve had bouts with dementia. I have poor circulation. I hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92, and I’ve lost all of my friends. But, thank God, I still have my California driver’s license!”

Because I had missed part of her piece, I asked Thompson later about Carter, wondering if I should avoid his freeway.

“He was joking,” she said. “The guy looks fit as a fiddle. And I guess he receives quite a few marriage proposals after these seminars.”

START SAVING UP THOSE DEPENDENT CLAUSES: April 15 is the deadline to enter the Bulwer-Lytton (Bad) Fiction Contest, a date that the judges at San Jose State point out is appropriate.

After all, Americans associate April 15 “with painful submissions and making up bad stories.”

Named in honor (or dishonor) of a wordy 19th century novelist, the competition invites entrants to compose “the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels.”

I’m proud to say that last year Valerie Elson of L.A. was a runner-up (she got a dishonorable mention) for this riveting opening:

“Trish, lovely jellyfish of a girl, found herself floundering, drowning amid octopi and squid, her arms flailing, legs akimbo, sinking ever deeper, down to the bottom of ‘Walleyed’ Dick’s exotic saltwater aquarium, her $10 admission ticket soggily clenched between her teeth, as though she knew what she was doing from the moment. . . .”

Well, sorry, I have to cut her off there. I ran out of space. But you get the idea.

UNREAL ESTATE: Today’s peculiar properties (see accompanying) include:

* A residence with a mystery room and bath (Lisalee Wells of Long Beach)

* A mansion where you can wash clothing in the elevator (Barbara Leverich, Marina del Rey)

* Some houses where young Abe Lincoln would have felt comfortable (Sharon Leigh-Pink of Bakersfield)

* And the out-of-state special, contributed by Betty Johnson of Compton, who said of a Mississippi ad: “I was born, raised and educated in Mississippi but I never saw a 1 1/2-brick house.”

STUPID DRIVER TRICKS: “I was headed south on the 5 near Dana Point and saw something amazing,” relates Lisa Addison of Costa Mesa. “A twentysomething female in a brand new black BMW was using her left hand to talk on a cell phone and, with her right hand, was plucking her eyebrows. I was driving about 65 and we were neck and neck.

“She wasn’t swerving, and I couldn’t figure out how she was able to do all of this and still remain in her lane.”

Addison said : “I saw a guy in a Honda Accord on the other side of her, and his mouth was open and he was shaking his head like he’d never seen anything like it.”

miscelLAny:

The more I hear stories like the above, the more I think it’s time for car manufacturers to face reality and install a second, lower steering wheel that can be operated by the knees. You can imagine my shock when the magazine of Long Beach’s Aquarium of the Pacific carried the following title for an event Saturday: “Seafood Lovers Lecture.”

I was relieved to read further on that the lecture is about conserving food resources in the ocean. Guess I won’t bring my fishing pole.