It’s Like Trick or Treat in Arizona

Life isn’t fair, here or in the desert, as sporting fans around Phoenix and Tempe, Ariz., no doubt have started to notice.

The National League Diamondbacks, born in 1998, in the World Series in their fourth year.

The National Football League Cardinals, born in 1920, one playoff appearance in the last 25 years, no championships in 53 years, saw the Super Bowl only when they were hosts of it in 1996.

The only things these franchises have in common are an area code, Sky Harbor Airport and walking distance to a Circle K.

Diamondbacks: Will be remembered for giving New York all it could handle in 2001.

Cardinals: Will be remembered for giving New York two extra byes in 2001.

Diamondbacks: Have a snake on their caps.

Cardinals: Have a Snake in their pocket.

Diamondbacks: Have a swimming pool behind the outfield fence.

Cardinals: In the tank.

Diamondbacks: Have stadium vendors roaming the stands to pour any adult fan a margarita.

Cardinals: If Margarita can tackle, they’ll sign her.

Diamondbacks: The Big Unit.

Cardinals: The punting unit.

Diamondbacks: Were not in existence in 1997.

Cardinals: Were 4-12 in 1997, which is close.

Diamondbacks: Decided to win now and invest millions in aging veteran players rather than build from within and pay their dues, annoying many purists.

Cardinals: Changed address/name from Chicago to St. Louis to Phoenix to Arizona, annoying many purists.

Diamondbacks: Owner Jerry Colangelo has an extensive background in basketball.

Cardinals: Owner Bill Bidwill has an extensive background in carpetbagging.

Diamondbacks: The BOB, a popular meeting place for Arizonans.

Cardinals: The BILL, a popular punch line for Arizonans.

Diamondbacks: Pitcher Curt Schilling, who usually has something interesting to say, scoffed at the Yankees’ World Series advantage in tradition, saying, “Mystique and aura? Those are dancers at a nightclub.”

Cardinals: “Miscue and error? Those are fundamentals in our playbook.”

Diamondbacks: Best player, Randy Johnson, looks, behaves and performs like something out of a Marvel comic book.

Cardinals: Best player, Rod Tidwell, is a fictional character played by Cuba Gooding Jr. in the movie “Jerry Maguire.”

Diamondbacks: Inspirational call to arms: “Schilling goes tonight.”

Cardinals: Inspirational call to arms: “Show me the money!”

Diamondbacks: Pitcher Miguel Batista, an aspiring author, hopes to publish a very scary book about a child serial killer.

Cardinals: Publish a very scary book every year. The official Arizona Cardinals media guide.

Diamondbacks: Batista keeps a quotation from Albert Einstein in his locker stall.

Cardinals: No Einsteins here.

Diamondbacks: That quotation reads, “Imagination is unlimited.”

Cardinals: E = 5-11.

Diamondbacks: Rod Barajas, Erubiel Durazo, Midre Cummings. Who are these people?

Cardinals: Fred Wakefield, Terry Hardy, Barron Tanner. Who are these people?

Diamondbacks: Retractable roof.

Cardinals: Retractable defense.

Diamondbacks: Not much in the bullpen after Byung-Hyun Kim.

Cardinals: Dave Brown? Chris Greisen? Not much in the bullpen after Jake Plummer.

Diamondbacks: Manager Bob Brenly has been roundly criticized for mishandling his pitching staff during the World Series.

Cardinals: Coach Dave McGinnis is off the hook because, I don’t need to tell you, you’ve seen the roster.

Diamondbacks: Members of the NL West.

Cardinals: Members of the NFC East. Try explaining that one to the kids.

Diamondbacks: If they weren’t members of the NL West, Dodgers might actually make the playoffs once in a while.

Cardinals: If they had stayed in St. Louis, Rams might still be in Anaheim.

Diamondbacks: Third baseman Matt Williams, home run hero of World Series Game 2.

Cardinals: Cornerback Aeneas Williams, returned to St. Louis as part of the cleaning deposit.

Diamondbacks: Made it to the World Series as soon as they let Buck Showalter go.

Cardinals: Play the Philadelphia Eagles today. Look at Correll Buckhalter go!

Diamondbacks: Rankled baseball purists when a local newspaper printed a “Baseball for Dummies” guide before Game 1 of the World Series.

Cardinals: Nah. Too easy.

THE MIDDLE 10

Celebrating the mediocrity of modern-day NFL parity, as Pete Rozelle would have wanted ...

11. Denver (4-3) Lost to Trent Dilfer, the official NFL logo for mediocrity.

12. Cincinnati (4-3) Beating the Ravens sounded like a big deal on Sept. 23. Then the Packers did it, and the Browns did it, and the Jaguars almost did it.

13. Baltimore (4-3) Randall Cunningham hands off to Jason Brookins. Send in the defense.

14. New York Jets (4-3) In New York, fans are saying, “How could we score only 13 points against the Panthers?” In Carolina, fans are saying, “How could we score only 12 points against the Jets?”

15. Tampa Bay (3-3) And after beating Minnesota last Sunday to reach .500, Buccaneers gave Coach Tony Dungy the game ball.

16. Indianapolis (3-3) If the Colts only had the Eagles’ defense.

17. Philadelphia (3-3) If the Eagles only had the Colts’ offense.

18. Seattle (3-3) Mike Holmgren ponders great philosophical question of our time: Matt Hasselbeck or Trent Dilfer?

19. Atlanta (3-3) Two-week unbeaten streak misleading. Oct. 28: Bye.

20. New York Giants (3-4) In a three-game losing streak. Also known as: Kerry Collins Comes Back to Earth.