These Football Fans Prove They Are Letter Winners

These people have attended an institution of higher education, and now live among you:

Tim Biesek: “Where did you attend college anyway? I’m betting it was some small little school with hardly a football program.”

No, I did not go to USC.

Ruben Perez: “What is it with you--did a USC student steal your girlfriend years ago? Unlike many others who are canceling their subscriptions, I will not, because I look forward to the day when I turn to Page Two and a new name appears. That is worth the monthly cost of my subscription.”

Thanks for the idea. The Times has begun a new readership campaign: “Turn to Page Two to see when The Jerk disappears.” The paper is expecting a huge increase in readership.

Glen Montgomery: “We work harder [at USC]. We are honest--it takes longer but we win. UCLA plays sports with an AYSO mentality, and they lose eventually. No wonder Mike Garrett took his daughters out of AYSO soccer--he got tired of looking at UCLA soccer moms whining about everything.”

I never get tired of looking at UCLA moms.

Tanya Hanson: “Had it been a Trojan driving the Expedition, your article would have made some snide comment that apparently this spoiled child has a papa who wouldn’t spring for fancy wheels.”

Everyone knows Trojans only drive Ford Broncos.

Mike McKay : “You’ve never bothered me until this year when you began taking potshots at my school. Why doesn’t The Times hire someone that bashes UCLA every day in the paper to even things out?”

We spend that money writing nice things about Notre Dame.

John Blankenbeckler : “It’s been brutal listening to you honk away for UCLA and blast USC.... Eating crow for Thanksgiving this year, T.J.?”

Beats my wife’s turkey.

Dennis MCD1 : “I never before realized what a big UCLA jerk you are. I shall cancel my subscription to The Times due to your incompetence, poor taste and ridiculous reporting. You’ve got no talent. You are nothing. You stink. You should be unemployed.”

Have you heard about our new readership campaign?

KirbysDad : “Here are the top five reasons I like Garrett: Has improved athletic graduation rates, responsible for improving overall success in athletic programs, responsible for getting a new arena built, hired Henry Bibby , he doesn’t like you.”

That will change if I donate $2,000 to the Cardinal & Gold Club.

EDA Advisor: “I have an acquaintance who is a young lawyer entering the world of being a sports agent. He also bets on sports a lot, so he has friends who are involved in all sorts of “stuff” around L.A. His latest piece of gossip is there are at least two USC football players who regularly bet on sports, and they have bet at least once on a game involving their own team.”

Any idea who they are taking Saturday?

HEIAviation : “I hope DeShaun Foster never plays another down.”

There’s nothing like a rivalry to bring the best out in fans.

TKCLARKY : “You suggest a loyal USC female fan sent the Foster e-mail. A USC fan would be smarter, sending the e-mail the week of the UCLA-USC game instead of last week before the Oregon game.”

For all I know, maybe Garrett’s secretary jumped the gun.

Dr. James A. Schaubel, USC Class of ‘87: “What makes you think anybody gives a rat’s rear end about your personal opinion?”

Well, you e-mailed me.

Bob Dashtizad: “Where were your sympathetic columns on Raymond Tago, Marvin Simmons, Shawn Walters and Delon Washington ? There weren’t any because they were Trojans, and UCLA fans like yourself tipped off the NCAA about them--not allowing USC to regain its position as a college football powerhouse.”

There’s no question the limit on cheaters is holding USC back.

Stacie Crump : “You’re piece on ‘Fostergate’ was not only irresponsible, it was second-hand gossip passed off as investigative journalism. The likelihood that the salesman had an associate that happened to be a USC loyalist who just happened to inform the NCAA of violations right before the big rivalry game, is slim to none.”

The NCAA interviewed the salesman, who told the NCAA investigator that his friend, a female, had loyalty ties to USC and had sent the e-mails. Just call me Woodward.

Gregg Shanberg: “I have read four or five articles about the Foster thing and nowhere did it ever say a Trojan supporter is the whistle blower.”

Or Bernstien.

Mitchicago: “If you probe the empty recesses of your head long enough, perhaps you can conjure up further nonsense.”

I hate it when I get plaschke’s e-mail by mistake.

Robert Sinik: “Did your informed sources tell you the DeShaun tip-off might just be retribution for a certain someone at UCLA who tipped off the NCAA about Marvin Simmons?”

What next--a horse’s head in Steven Sample’s bed?

Allan Henderson: “Don’t give up your day job. Football is definitely not your forte.”

And people think Garrett and I don’t have anything in common.

Scott Morris: “Your sense of humor has been lost on me for quite awhile now ...”

Yet you come back every day in search of it--I admire your persistence.

Mark Larson: “Just remember, USC’s Shawn Walters took $16K from an agent, so you can insinuate Foster is innocent if you want, but the fact is these kids cannot be trusted.”

Thank you, Mister Rogers, for your upbeat outlook on today’s youth.

SteeleProds : “I thought journalists were supposed to be objective. But your continued employment proves me wrong every time I skip across your byline.”

I’m paid to give my opinions as a columnist. You give yours free as an e-mailer. Objectively speaking, I believe you’re the one with the problem.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com