No Matter What Galaxy You’re From, Good Luck Getting a Cab in L.A.

It’s embarrassing to be scooped by an out-of-town writer, but this story is too big for me to ignore. Chicago Sun-Times columnist Zay Smith reports a supermarket tabloid carried a headline that proclaimed:

“Space alien ignored for 6 hours in downtown L.A.!”

Sounds like the alien was trying to catch a cab.

On the other hand: I’m proud I quickly alerted readers to a 1994 tabloid exclusive involving some unusual pedestrians and the Golden State Freeway (see accompanying).

The little devils, I theorized, quickly blended into the foot traffic on Hollywood Boulevard.

Guide to adventurous dining: An oven for jailbirds was spotted in an ad by Flame Simon of L.A. (see accompanying). Flame is always on the hunt for hot items for me.

Who’s got a scorecard? Politicians have been known to indulge in double talk, so you wonder if any of the guests on gubernatorial hopeful Richard Riordan’s tour of L.A. were skeptical of one claim in his brochure (see accompanying).

Who’s got a scorecard (II)? As even the most casual fan can tell you, football terminology is changing all the time (a plot, I think, by coaches to make the game seem more complicated than it is).

But John Aston of South Gate, a stadium announcer at high school football games, has seen this trend go to extremes.

Once a year, he handles an introduction ceremony for players and their families and friends on the field. The players fill out their names and positions on index cards beforehand for Aston.

“I see some interesting interpretations of what positions they play,” he said. “I’ve had players list themselves as ‘defensive of end,’ ‘of fends if line’ and ‘sender.’ ”

And Aston’s favorite: “Foul back.”

Taming telemarketers (cont.): While he had my ear, Aston changed the subject to chat about phone solicitors:

“When we were being inundated with calls from long-distance carriers, I decided enough was enough,” he said. “When the next call came though, after listening to the spiel of the amazing savings available if we would just switch, I told the pitchman with all sincerity, ‘I’m sorry, we don’t have a phone,’ and hung up.

“A few minutes later, the phone rang again. When I answered, I was greeted with a long, loud and melodious belch. I have no idea if the telemarketer was the source, but the calls also stopped.”

The solicitor was probably an ex-foul back.

miscelLAny:

Caution: Lawyers at work!

A TV ad shows a driver entering Beverly Hills and declaring, “If you want the best here, it’ll cost you. But the best pizza won’t cost you.”

Then there’s this disclaimer: “The city of Beverly Hills does not make, sponsor or endorse product depicted here.”

No! I thought I’d noticed some pizza ovens inside Beverly Hills City Hall the last time I visited.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LA-TIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A., 90012 and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.