WEEK 4 BREAKDOWN

APPARENTLY, NOT EVERYBODY HATE HE

Arizona at Philadelphia, 10 a.m. So, He Hate Me has found a home in the NFL. Yes, Rod Smart, the ex-XFL running back who made a national name for himself as an all-purpose threat to the English language, caught the eye of the Eagles, who added him to their scout team this week. Little known fact about He Hate Me: He’s a cousin of Eagle wide receiver Freddie Mitchell, the fast-talking UCLA rookie once known throughout Pacific 10 secondaries as He Berate Me. “He has to be above the foolishness and go out and play,” Mitchell warned his cousin. Priceless.

The line: Philadelphia by 14.

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SEE, IT PAYS TO READ SOMETHING BESIDES THE DRINK MENU AT THE PLAYBOY MANSION

Chicago at Atlanta, 10 a.m. Jim Miller has found the key to success as a quarterback in Chicago: become the anti-McNown. So Miller has dinner with his offensive linemen every Thursday, blames himself for blown timing patterns and does his homework. Miller told the Chicago Tribune some of the play calls used by the Bears “are long and it can be confusing, especially at first if you haven’t really studied.” So before the victory over the Vikings, Miller “for some reason ... just decided to go over things one more time.” Why McNown is holding that clipboard in Miami, explained at last.

The line: Atlanta by 3.

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HEY, THE JAZZ ONCE HAD TO MAKE THE SAME KIND OF MOVE

Minnesota at New Orleans, 10 a.m., Channel 11. So the NFL made the auto dealers a deal they couldn’t refuse and the Super Bowl will stay in New Orleans, only pushed back a week to Feb. 3. This is good news for New Orleans, not so good news for the nation’s sports columnists, who must make a very quick turnaround, plow their way through Mardi Gras crowds and get to Salt Lake City in time for the Winter Olympics, scheduled to start Feb. 8. At least they can sober up there.

The line: New Orleans by 31/2.

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IF MIKE TYSON WORE SHOULDER PADS

New England at Miami, 10 a.m. Last year, when Bryan Cox played linebacker for the Jets, he said Dolphin fullback Rob Konrad “couldn’t block his way out of a paper bag.” This year, Cox plays for the Patriots, who have a big game today against the Dolphins, so Cox was asked if he planned to say anything to Konrad on the field. “Yeah,” Cox replied, “that’s my girlfriend.” Cox really needs to make up his mind about Konrad. Does he want to hate him, or does he want to date him?

The line: Miami by 10.

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ST. FLUTIE, AS THEY CALL HIM NOW IN SAN DIEGO

San Diego at Cleveland, 10 a.m. Today’s Charger-Brown game brings Doug Flutie and Butch Davis together for the first time since Nov. 23, 1984, when Flutie was a Boston College quarterback, Davis was a University of Miami assistant coach and Flutie’s famous Hail Mary pass to Gerard Phelan secured a 47-45 upset victory against the Hurricanes. One of the great moments in the history of college football, unless you happen to be named Butch. “I’m sick of seeing it,” says Davis, now coach of the Browns. Still, beats watching Brown game films.

The line: San Diego by 3.

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EVEN THE LOSERS GET LUCKY SOMETIMES

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh, 10 a.m. More Hail Marys: During the seven years you have followed their arrested development as NFL pros, have you ever wondered how in blazes Kordell Stewart and Michael Westbrook ever hooked up on that last-second winner for Colorado against Michigan in 1994? Of course you have. Do you believe in miracles? Of course you do.

The line: Pittsburgh by 41/2.

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NOTE TO MARTY SCHOTTENHEIMER: HELP IS OUT THERE

Tennessee at Baltimore, 10 a.m. Jim Marshall, who played in 282 consecutive games with the Vikings and Browns, is now 63. Titan offensive lineman Bruce Matthews, who will break Marshall’s league record today, only seems that old. Marshall still wishes he could mix it up with Matthews and the boys, or somebody. “Almost all other sports have old-timers leagues, with the exception of football,” Marshall lamented in an interview with the Nashville Tennessean. “There’s no way to substitute for that. I’ve got some friends who are hockey players--they’ve got a senior league. Same thing with baseball. But there is nothing [an old football player] can do that gives you a reasonable comparison.” Actually, Jim, there is something. They’re called the Redskins.

The line: Baltimore by 31/2.

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THE WEASEL AND THE DAMAGE DONE

Washington at New York Giants, 10 a.m. The Redskins are an absolute mess, and the buck stops at Schottenheimer’s desk, if you listen to the man who hired him. Asked about the plight of the Redskins at a National Press Club luncheon, team owner Daniel Snyder, endearing as ever, quipped, “You all didn’t want me to meddle, did you? You got what you wanted.” Meanwhile, Redskin defensive end Kenard Lang is preaching patience. “We’re only 0-3,” Lang says. “We can still go 13-3 and everyone will love us.”

The line: New York by 14.

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AN OVERTHROW IS AN OVERTHROW IS AN OVERTHROW IS AN OVERTHROW

Jacksonville at Seattle, 1 p.m. Was that Seattle Coach Mike Holmgren or Gertrude Stein who assessed the Seahawks’ 38-14 loss to the Raiders this way: “We played a team that’s there. We’re not there.” Just as Stein once predicted, there was no there there in Oakland last weekend. Imagine how Stein might have evaluated the Seahawks’ quarterback situation. Stein: “What is the answer?” Holmgren: “Matt Hasselbeck.” Stein: “In that case, what is the question?”

The line: Jacksonville by 31/2.

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IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ROB LYTLE

Kansas City at Denver, 1 p.m., Channel 2. The Broncos have announced they will bring back their Orange Crush uniforms--complete with big ‘D’ and bucking bronco on the helmet--for their Thanksgiving game against Dallas, shelving those hideous Arena League hand-me-downs for the holiday. Old-timers such as Steve Beuerlein know that the Orange Crush outfit “made a statement. ... It established tradition. ... It’s classic stuff.” Griese-come-lately fans, however, note that the Broncos are 45-22 with two Super Bowl championships since changing uniform designs.

The line: Denver by 10.

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LONG, COLD WINTER JUST GOT LONGER, COLDER

New York Jets at Buffalo, 1 p.m. In a state-of-the-franchise address sure to warm the soul of every Buffalo fan, Bill owner Ralph Wilson told reporters this week: “It’s going to be a difficult, painful year. I’m optimistic about the future, but we’ve got a long ways to go. ... Poor drafts are starting to catch up with us now. ... I’m not writing this season off, but you fellas can see what’s out there. I don’t know who we’re going to field next week.”

The line: New York by 31/2.

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AT THOSE PRICES, WHO WOULD?

Dallas at Oakland, 1:15 p.m., Channel 11. All the rescue boats in the Bay Area were bobbing in McCovey Cove last Sunday, which meant Jerry Rice was on his own once he took the plunge into the Black Hole after celebrating his first touchdown as a Raider. “I think that will be the last time he does it,” teammate Tim Brown predicted. “He got beer and everything on him. But he had to experience it once.” As Rice is finding out, that’s one more difference between being a Raider and a 49er. At 49er games, no one spills a drop of Chardonnay.

The line: Oakland by 18.

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JUST ANOTHER CASE OF A ROOKIE WHO CAME OUT TOO SOON

Carolina at San Francisco, 5:30 p.m., ESPN. There’s a head groundskeeper controversy brewing in Carolina, where displaced veteran Billy Ball is criticizing his replacement, Tom Vaughan, for turning last week’s Panther-Packer game into a sequel of “The Clumps.” Ball, fired after last season for what he called “ego clashes” with Panther management, told the Charlotte Observer the team “should have at least gotten someone with a background in this. No offense to Tom, because I like Tom, but he hasn’t even done Little League, parks and rec, college or any of it. As you see, you need someone in there who knows what they’re doing. There’s a lot more to it than throwing out fertilizer and mowing.”

The line: San Francisco by 7.

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YOU CAN’T STOP THEM, YOU CAN ONLY HOPE TO FINE THEM

St. Louis at Detroit, Monday, 6 p.m., Channel 7. After Week 1, four Philadelphia linemen were fined $5,000 apiece for late hits that left Ram linebacker Mark Fields and defensive lineman Tyoka Jackson injured. After Week 3, nine Rams were fined the same amount, $5,000 each, for wearing their socks too high or too low or for not having the bottoms of their pants cover their knees. Safety Kim Herring, fined for high socks, says, “I’ve always worn my socks high. I’ve got high calves.” Yes, this used to be Ray Nitschke’s league.

The line: St. Louis by 131/2.