WEEK 5 BREAKDOWN

GODSPEED, SIR BRETT

Baltimore at Green Bay, 10 a.m., CBS. Where have you gone, Brett Favre? Today, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you, hoping you can plant a well-directed spiral between the eyes of the Purple Menace. Why do we hate the Ravens so? Let us count the ways. Here’s one: Shannon Sharpe, gloating about last week’s victory over Tennessee: “It was supposed to be two heavyweights. Well, one heavyweight showed up. ... The media in Tennessee and Jeff Fisher talk about how classless we are. But I like being classless and winning. Those classy losers, oh, they drive me crazy.”

The line: Baltimore by 1.

WHAT’S IN THE CARDS? I CAN’T BEAR TO IMAGINE

Arizona at Chicago, 10 a.m. Before last week’s 21-20 victory at Philadelphia, the Cardinals had lost nine games in a row, being outscored, 269-94, in the process. Before last week’s 31-3 victory at Atlanta, the Bears had not won consecutive games since Oct. 3 and 10, 1999. Clearly, now, something has to give.

The line: Chicago by 7.

HOUSTON TEXANS, HERE HE COMES

Cleveland at Cincinnati, 10 a.m. Akili Smith, the third pick in the 1999 draft, is third string on Cincinnati’s quarterback chart, looking up at Jon Kitna (undrafted in 1996) and Scott Mitchell (the 93rd pick of the 1990 draft). Surprisingly, this sits well with Akili as he sits there on the bench. “I’m at peace,” he says, “because it has given me time to sit back, relax and reflect on what’s going on in my career here.” Which is warming up for next year’s expansion draft.

The line: Cincinnati by 2.

NOW STARTING FOR THE LIONS ... CHRISTOPHER WALKEN

Detroit at Minnesota, 10 a.m. Detroit, which hasn’t seen such a quick hook since Sparky Anderson retired, would really like to know: What does Mornhinweg think he’s doing with his quarterbacks? Charlie Batch loses the opener at Green Bay, Mornhinweg pushes the ejector button. Ty Detmer comes in and throws seven interceptions against Cleveland, Mornhinweg keeps him as his starter. Now, after Monday night’s debacle against the Rams, Mornhinweg has gone back to Batch, insisting, “I will not play the quarterback roulette deal.” I don’t know, Marty. The 2001 Lion season so far and the last hour of “The Deer Hunter”--who can tell the difference?

The line: Minnesota by 10.

HEY, BEER MAN!

New Orleans at Carolina, 10 a.m. The Horatio Alger Bowl. Starting at quarterback for the Panthers is a 29-year-old rookie and former minor league baseball bust, Chris Weinke. Leading the NFL in kick return average for the Saints is a 30-year-old rookie and former beer-truck driver, Michael Lewis. It’s been a whirlwind for Lewis, who never made more than $20,000 a year while unloading 24-pound cases of beer and 150-pound kegs. Now, he makes more than that with each paycheck--and has to lift nothing heavier than an inflated rubber bladder. Michael Lewis, this one’s for you.

The line: New Orleans by 5.

OR, YOU CAN ALWAYS NOT SUBSCRIBE

Pittsburgh at Kansas City, 10 a.m. For a limited time only, if you agree to subscribe to the Pittsburgh/Greensburg Tribune-Review, the ad says you will “receive this handsome Steelhead hat as a free gift.” What handsome Steelhead hat? You mean that plastic girder you stick on top of your head to protect yourself from Steeler incompletions? Now I realize fashion is a very personal, subjective thing, but if you saw a Cheesehead standing next to a Steelhead, you’d say to yourself, “You know, that Cheesehead really knows how to accessorize.”

The line: Kansas City by 3.

OK, MAKE THAT EVERYONE EXCEPT BRYAN

San Diego at New England, 10 a.m. After sitting out four games for violating the league substance-abuse policy, Terry Glenn was thrilled to be back working out with the Patriots this week. “It’s been great just being on the practice field again and being with the guys,” Glenn says. “Everyone’s been great.” That so? “I got enough problems on this side of the ball to even worry about that,” Patriot linebacker Bryan Cox said when asked by reporters about Glenn’s return. “To be honest with you, I don’t give two ... about that. That’s a topic I don’t even want to discuss.”

The line: San Diego by 3.

PAY CLOSE ATTENTION AND NO ONE HERE GETS HURT

San Francisco at Atlanta, 10 a.m. Even when he has suffered from concussions, which is often, Chris Chandler remains Dan Reeves’ top choice as Falcon quarterback because he’s more familiar with the playbook than rookie Michael Vick. “There’s a lot of verbiage,” wide receiver Terance Mathis says of the standard Falcon play-call. “If you miss one word, it can cause a sack or an interception.” In last week’s 31-3 loss to Chicago, Vick was sacked six times and lost the ball on fumbles twice. The missing word in each of those play-calls? Don’t.

The line: San Francisco by 3.

SO, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELVES NOW?

Tampa Bay at Tennessee, 10 a.m. A month ago, many people who should have known better had this one pegged as a Super Bowl preview. Then Tampa Bay’s franchise-saving quarterback, Brad Johnson, went three games without throwing a touchdown pass. Then Tennessee went three games without winning one of them. Now the Titans, 13-3 in both 1999 and 2000, are faced with the distinct possibility of opening the season 0-4. And closing it down at the same time.

The line: Tennessee by 3.

NOT TO MENTION ANY NAMES. KNOW WHAT I MEAN, MATT?

Denver at Seattle, 1:15 p.m., CBS. Did you know Trent Dilfer is 16-1 as a starting quarterback since 1999? Did you know Matt Hasselbeck’s groin is feeling much better? Do you understand why Seahawk Coach Mike Holmgren says Hasselbeck is his No. 1 quarterback yet plans to start Dilfer today? Hasselbeck believes he does. “It says a lot about the confidence that he has, that the team has and that I have in Trent,” Hasselbeck says. Or, it could say a lot about something, or someone, else.

The line: Denver by 6.

MAKES SENSE, WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY

Miami at New York Jets, 1:15 p.m. What did Dolphin running back Lamar Smith have to say after carrying the ball 29 times for 144 yards last week against New England? “I was winded.” And what did 36-year-old Dolphin tackle Harry Swayne, a battered veteran of 15 NFL seasons and four Super Bowls, have to say while he was opening holes in the Patriot line for Smith? “What am I still doing out here?” Good question. Is there an appropriate answer? “I love playing football” is the best Swayne could manage.

The line: Miami by 3.

WHEN YOU’RE A RAIDER, IT’S ALL IN A DAY’S WORK

Oakland at Indianapolis, 5:30 p.m., ESPN. In response to that unseemly incident at the Sno-Drift nightclub, Raider kicker Sebastian Janikowski insists he did not ingest the date-rape drug GHB nor did any woman spike his drink with GHB. “I went to a club, I was dancing, I slipped somehow, I hit the ground, busted my eye open and that’s it.” That’s Janikowski’s story and he’s sticking to it. Reaction from the Raiders? What, them worry? “The Raiders, man,” wide receiver Tim Brown said. “Come on now. That kind of stuff is not a distraction.”

The line: Indianapolis by 31/2.

THE RIGHT MAN FOR THE JOB

Washington at Dallas, Monday, 6 p.m., Channel 7. “Well, Albeeno, this matchup of fallen NFL powerhouses brings together two owners who think they’re a lot smarter than they really are, a coach sadly out of his element after being quite the success in his old gig and a couple of quarterbacks who have been told to shut up and let someone else do the thinking during the last two minutes of each half. Which makes me the ideal analyst for this matchup of fallen NFL powerhouses, wouldn’t you agree, Danno?”

The line: Dallas by 3.