All Jordan Touches Moves Into Rarefied Air

David Whitley in the Orlando Sentinel, commenting on the return of Michael Jordan to the NBA:

“So who can say for sure how Michael’s Comeback Special will end? The important thing is, we care. Gosh, do we care.

“The mere rumor of Jordan’s return sent the NASDAQ up 381 points. NBC has rearranged its entire schedule to show every Wizard game, practice and bus trip. (Digitally edited showering will be on MSNBC.) Every WNBA game for the next three years has been sold out.

“All the preceding facts are not quite accurate, but you get the point. The Jordan Effect is almost incalculable, and that is the most important thing.”

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More Whitley: “The psychoanalysis of Jordan’s return has been so intense and repetitive, it should be turned into a graduate course at Harvard.

“The point is not which egghead is right. It’s that when it comes to the Shaved Head, everybody turns into an expert.”

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Trivia time: Which school holds the NCAA Division I-A single-season record for yards rushing per game?

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Deciphering the code: Tom FitzGerald in the San Francisco Chronicle:

“For those of you in the Bay Area who get ESPN2, you might be puzzled over some of the scores that appear across the bottom of the screen during live events. Phil Mushnick of the New York Post caught these: ‘Jvl St 37, SFA 44 F/2OT’ and ‘Dvdsn 27 Ran Mac 24 F/2OT.’

“If you knew that meant Stephen F. Austin State defeated Jacksonville State and Davidson beat Randolph-Macon, both in double overtime, congratulations for breaking the code.”

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More FitzGerald: “Arizona Diamondback third baseman Matt Williams says his actress wife, Michelle Johnson, is working on an HBO project entitled ‘Baseball Wives.’

“Says Williams, ‘It’s like The Sopranos.’

“Note to big league umpires: If you see one of the wives loitering around your car, get somebody else to start it for you.”

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Scolding: Ron Rapoport in the Chicago Sun-Times: “There were few stiff upper lips among the Seattle media after the Mariners’ abrupt departure from the playoffs.

“‘They played this month as if they had forgotten everything that had happened to them this year,’ Steve Kelley wrote in the Seattle Times. ‘They played scared. They were tentative. They were shockingly different,’ Laura Vecsey wrote in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer.”

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Breathtaking: Neal Rubin in the Detroit News: “I’m willing to consider other candidates, but I believe I spotted the world’s least appetizing menu typo at Luigi’s Trattoria in Farmington (Mich.): ‘Lunguine.”’

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Trivia answer: Oklahoma, 472.4 in 1971.

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And finally: Jerry Greene in the Orlando Sentinel: “With a week off, Miami Dolphin linebacker Derrick Rodgers has been fooling around on his Harley-Davidson Fat Boy.

“Said Derrick: ‘The hum of your engine and the wind blowing in your ears just relaxes you. When you ride a motorcycle, you understand why a dog sticks his head out the window and just sits there.’

“Maybe so. But I would advise everyone to steer clear of Derrick if you see him pass a fire hydrant.”