Metropolis / Snapshots from the Center of the Universe

Carolina at Minnesota, 10 a.m.: Chris Weinke, the Gray Panther, makes his NFL debut today, starting at quarterback for Carolina as a 29-year-old rookie. Whatever this says about the state of quarterbacking in the NFL, or the state of the Panthers, the state of Carolina is abuzz. “Name me five good pro quarterbacks,” North Carolina Coach John Bunting told the Charlotte News-Observer. Panther radio analyst Roman Gabriel tried, but could get to only three--Brett Favre, Daunte Culpepper, Peyton Manning--before it hit him. “It’s sad what’s happened at quarterback,” Gabriel lamented. “There just aren’t very many good ones anymore.” Oh, and Kurt Warner. That’s four. The line: Minnesota by 10.

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JUST SAY NO. UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU’RE ALL-PRO

Chicago at Baltimore, 10 a.m.: Cornell Brown was a top reserve linebacker and a key contributor to the Ravens’ Super Bowl run last season, but that was before he was arrested and charged with marijuana possession this week. Less than 24 hours later, the get-tough Ravens released Brown. Moral of the story: It’s just a good thing Ray Lewis never got caught with a joint in the backseat of his limo. The line: Baltimore by 10.

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CHARLIE, YOU REALLY DON’T WANT TO KNOW

Detroit at Green Bay, 10 a.m.: Lion quarterback Charlie Batch remembers how excited he was, watching the Rams and the Broncos go deep for nearly 800 passing yards during last season’s “Monday Night Football” opener. “I called up Herman [Moore] and said, ‘Can you believe this?”’ says Batch, who told Moore he could identify with football fans all over Michigan. “You could understand the fans’ frustrations watching that Monday night game, thinking, ‘Man, these two teams are putting up 30-plus points--why can’t we do that?”’ Um, Herman? You still there, Herman? The line: Green Bay by 51/2.

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WHERE’S RICHARD TODD WHEN YOU REALLY NEED HIM?

Indianapolis at New York Jets, 10 a.m.: Mark Rypien, out of football since 1997, is the Colts’ insurance policy in case Peyton Manning’s “minor” knee injury during the preseason turns out to be worse than advertised. Chad Pennington is the Jets’ quarterback of the future, which could be very soon, considering Vinny Testaverde’s most recent past: a league-high 25 interceptions last season, a conference quarterback rating better than only Ryan Leaf and Akili Smith. What was Gabriel saying about NFL quarterbacking again? The line: Indianapolis by 2.

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EVERYBODY LOVES KITNA

New England at Cincinnati, 10 a.m.: Asked to assess his team’s chances this season, Bengal President Mike Brown quipped, “Like the Chairman of the Federal Reserve, I want to guard against irrational exuberance. But on the other hand, I’m hopeful.” Then Brown picked up the Cincinnati Enquirer and read this quote from Troy Blackburn, the director of the Bengals’ business department: “Anything short of 16-0 would be a disappointment.” Then Brown sadly realized he’d failed miserably again. The line: New England by 1.

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DEAR ROB: THE JOB’S ALL YOURS. TAKE CARE, DOUG

New Orleans at Buffalo, 10 a.m.: No offense in the NFL allowed more sacks during the 2000 season than the Bills. No defense in the NFL produced more sacks during the 2000 season than the Saints. No need to explain to Rob Johnson what Doug Flutie is doing in San Diego now, and why. The line: New Orleans by 21/2.

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I’LL HAVE THE EGG ROLLSAND BROWN RICE, PLEASE.OR IS IT RICE BROWN?

Oakland at Kansas City, 10 a.m., Channel 2: So, this is how Jerry Rice and Tim Brown will coexist this season: Rice will answer annoying questions from the media one day a week, on Thursdays. Brown gets the same deal, on Wednesdays. And that’s it. Until Sunday, when Rich Gannon assembles the Raider huddle and it’s nothing but: “I can beat the right corner deep!” “I can beat the left corner deep!” “Throw it to me and it’s six!” “Throw it to me and it’s seven!” “Is not!” “Is so!” “Who you gonna believe, Rich? Him or these Super Bowl rings?” The line: Oakland by 3.

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HIS KINGDOM FOR A SPIRAL

Pittsburgh at Jacksonville, 10 a.m.: After years of hoping against hope, waiting for a phone call that never comes, Lynn Swann finally was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame this summer. Cameras and microphones moved in to capture the former Steeler great’s reaction, which was: Thanks a lot, but I would’ve made it a lot sooner if Bradshaw hadn’t frozen me out and gave me more passes to catch. Someday, Plaxico Burress will be saying the same thing about Kordell Stewart. The line: Jacksonville by 3.

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HELLO, YOU MUST BE GOING

Seattle at Cleveland, 10 a.m.: A summer spent with the Browns has turned Coach Butch Davis into Crazy Eddie: Everybody must go! In a span of 10 days, Davis made 54 player moves--adding a new drill to the Browns’ daily workout regimen: Run for cover! “This is a housecleaning,” guard Tre Johnson told the Akron Beacon-Journal. Added running back Jamel White: “I don’t come in here relaxed, ever.” It’s every man for himself, said safety Percy Ellsworth: “The way it is right now, you just worry about yourself. So many people walk out, it’s hard to make friends.” Which explains the names on the backs of the jerseys. The line: Seattle by 3.

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A FANTASY LEAGUER’SFONDEST FANTASY

Tampa Bay at Dallas, 10 a.m., Channel 11: First, he jumped on Quincy Carter, drafting him in the second round, about three rounds higher than anyone else rated him. Then, he brought in Tony Banks to try and turn the thing around. Then, he brought in Ryan Leaf, saying this is the quarterback he really wanted. But Leaf couldn’t pass a physical, or much of anything else, so he’s left with Carter backed up by Anthony Wright. Don’t you wish Jerry Jones had a franchise in your fantasy league? The line: Tampa Bay by 9.

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MICHAEL VICK,TROPHY QUARTERBACK

Atlanta at San Francisco, 1:15 p.m.: Inspired by the NHL tradition of shipping the Stanley Cup around the league for viewings in member cities, the Falcons arrive in the Bay Area this weekend to show off their great new prize, Michael Vick. Hey, everyone! Come look and see who we drafted! Then, they send out Chris Chandler and lose, 24-6. The line: San Francisco by 31/2.

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OTHER THAN THAT,THE REBUILDING PROJECT’SGOING JUST FINE

Washington at San Diego, 1:15 p.m.: Marty Schottenheimer’s new Redskin coaching staff includes brother Kurt as defensive coordinator and son Brian as quarterbacks coach. “How about this guy Schottenheimer?” Raven owner Art Modell crows. “The first head coaching job he ever got was from me. Now he’s got his brother, his son, his mother-in-law, his sister all working for him. The whole thing should be called the Washington Schottenheimers. They ought to be the Frankfurt franchise in the NFL Europe league.” Can anything be worse than being mocked by Art Modell? Yes. Being underdogs on opening day to a team that finished last season 1-15. The line: San Diego by 21/2.

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SOMETIMES, THE LESS SAID THE BETTER

Miami at Tennessee, 5:30 p.m., ESPN: The Dolphins won the AFC East title last season, but defensive end Jason Taylor grouses, “We never hear a lot about us from anybody outside this building. It’s been that way for the past few years. We’re used to it. It doesn’t really bother me anymore.... Everything in this league is here and now, what-have-you-done-for-me-lately? And that’s the way we just have to look at it.” OK, OK, we get your point. Let’s see, what have the Dolphins done lately? Oh, right. Traded for Cade McNown. The line: Tennessee by 61/2.

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THE THREE HORSEMENOF THE APOCALYPSE

New York Giants at Denver, Monday, 6 p.m., Channel 7: In a move designed to quell the city-splitting running back controversy and placate 1,000-yard rushers Terrell Davis, Olandis Gary and Mike Anderson all at the same time, Bronco Coach Mike Shanahan pulls quarterback Brian Griese aside and asks, “Say, you ever run the wishbone at Michigan?” The line: Denver by 61/2.