WEEK 2 BREAKDOWN

ALSO, THE CONTRACT CLEARLY STIPULATED: ‘YOU WILL PLAY ALL YOUR HOME GAMES IN CINCINNATI.’

Baltimore at Cincinnati, 10 a.m. Did you know that Elvis Grbac turned down a lucrative offer to quarterback the Bengals so he could instead quarterback the defending Super Bowl champions? Are you in any way surprised? Of course not, but that didn’t stop Bengal linebacker Takeo Spikes, trying to rally his teammates to a field goal this Sunday, from ranting to the Cincinnati Enquirer, “He snubbed us. It was more money on the table here than it was in Baltimore, so ... I take that as a slap in the face that he didn’t want to come here. He felt like we weren’t winners. So it’s time for us to do what we’ve got to do.” Which is to immediately move the franchise to Cancun. The line: Baltimore by 7.

CRY GOES UP IN BUFFALO: WE WANT MOORMAN!

Buffalo at Indianapolis, 10 a.m. As you might have heard, Buffalo quarterback Rob Johnson stepped up into the pocket of the post-Doug Flutie era and was sacked five times and threw three interceptions en route to a 24-6 home loss to New Orleans. The performance left Johnson with a quarterback rating of 36.6--three points lower than that of Buffalo punter Brian Moorman, who wobbled an incomplete pass in one attempt out of punt formation. The Toronto Star summed it up this way: “As West Coast offenses go, the one the Bills ran ... must have been named for the west coast of Lake Erie--a lot of garbage that couldn’t be identified and it stunk.” The line: Indianapolis by 10.

THE NAME IS VICK. RHYMES WITH CHAPSTICK

Carolina at Atlanta, 10 a.m. Huddling in their own end zone, waiting for a TV timeout to end, the Falcons looked to rookie quarterback Michael Vick for inspiration in their season opener. He reached into his helmet and pulled out--no, not a miracle--a tube of Chapstick. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said an incredulous Jamal Anderson, the Falcons’ tailback. “I said, ‘You have absolutely given me something to tell my kids, their kids, everybody else’s kids.’ ” Properly protected, Vick went on to complete zero of four passes in his brief NFL debut. But, worth noting: He wasn’t sacked, or chapped, once. The line: Atlanta by 31/2.

WHY THE BROWNS STINK: REVEALED AT LAST!

Detroit at Cleveland, 10 a.m. What was that about Ty Detmer and deer urine, you were asking? According to Detmer’s former teammates in Cleveland, Detmer thought it great fun to sneak around the locker room last year and sprinkle deer urine on the jerseys of Brown defensive linemen. It wasn’t me, insists Detmer, an avid hunter familiar with the practice of spraying deer urine in order to lure bucks to the area. “It was Errict Rhett,” the new Detroit quarterback says. “I can tell on him now because he’s not there and I’m not there.” Tim Couch, the Browns’ current No. 1 quarterback, isn’t buying it: “He likes to play all the pranks and then blame it all on [someone else].” Detmer’s latest prank? Sneaking up on Charlie Batch and snatching the Lions’ starting quarterback job when Batch wasn’t looking. The line: Detroit by 1.

‘THE TOY DEPARTMENT’ EXPLAINED AGAIN

Minnesota at Chicago, 10 a.m. There were probably a better time and place for this lead paragraph than Thursday’s edition of the Chicago Sun-Times: “The Bears are going on the attack Sunday, and they will do so with their biggest threat.” The story that followed was about the return of Chicago wide receiver Marcus Robinson, out since late July recovering from back surgery. Lesson to be learned: Football, in the grand scheme, is pretty silly business. And, in some cases, newfound perspective comes in a time-release capsule. The line: Minnesota by 3.

MAKE THAT VERY SILLY BUSINESS

New York Giants at Kansas City, 10 a.m., Channel 11. So, how much for that plain black logo-less baseball cap worn by Giant cornerback Jason Sehorn on the sideline during his team’s season opener at Denver? The NFL, beating EBay to the punch, has set an opening bid of $10,000. That’s how much Sehorn was fined by the league for wearing basic black, rather than NFL-licensed Adidas or Reebok headgear, inside the Giants’ 35-yard-long bench area. This, as Ray Lewis knows, is what the NFL calls its off-the-field law-enforcement policy. The line: Kansas City by 1.

LAST YEAR, HE OFFENDED THOUSANDS OF JET FANS

New York Jets at New England, 1:05 p.m. Now a .500 coach at the University of Virginia, former Jet Coach Al Groh offended the president of his university, among many others, by telling reporters this week that the Cavaliers need not worry about their chartered jet being hijacked on the way to Clemson because, “I’m not saying this to make light of it by any means, but I’m not having Arabs in the traveling party. So, therefore, I think probably that the threat of our being hijacked is pretty remote.” Groh later issued a written apology for his remarks, which explains why he was still able to coach that game at Clemson. The line: New York by 2.

OR, IF WATTERS GETS HURT, IT’LL BE 8 AND 8

Philadelphia at Seattle, 1:15 p.m. Seattle Coach Mike Holmgren is firmly behind the Shanahan Plan, the playoff contingency scenario that calls for the second and third wild-card teams in each conference to possibly play three games in 10 days. “If the alternative is sitting at home in your lounge chair watching on television, no one wants to do that,” Holmgren says. “So I think if you’re smart about it and do the best with the players [you have], and if you have some depth on your team, you can do it.” Of course, Holmgren would say that. Take a very close look at Holmgren’s team. That’s the Seahawk team photo, right next to the dictionary entry for “Nine and seven.” The line: Philadelphia by 21/2.

JAMIE MARTIN WOULD BE THE OTHER. SO, YES, IT COULD QUALIFY AS A TRICK QUESTION

St. Louis at San Francisco, 1:15 p.m., Channel 11. For a limited-edition copy of the 1990 GQ with Jim Everett on the cover, can you name the two remaining Rams who played for the team while it was still in Anaheim? One of them, Isaac Bruce, was waxing about the old Ram-49er rivalry--49ers 17, Rams 0 in 17 meetings from 1990-99--for the benefit of new teammate Aeneas Williams, a 10-year Arizona Cardinal. Bruce then asked Williams to name the Cardinals’ biggest rival. Williams thought and thought and thought. Sorry, Williams finally replied, he couldn’t think of one. Which is one more reason why Williams never became an 11-year Cardinal. The line: St. Louis by 61/2.

FATHER KNOWS BEST

Tennessee at Jacksonville, 10 a.m. You know things are going bad for R. Jay Soward when dad takes the side of Tom Coughlin. R. Jay faces a six-game suspension after his third substance-abuse violation--besides the wrath of his father Rodney. “This is disappointing for the whole family,” Papa Soward told the Florida Times-Union. “You’ve got to understand, this is a situation for the family that is ... distressing.... [The Jaguars] picked him and they paid him and I believe their [intention] is for him to be an asset to their organization. The rest is up to him, I believe.” And that, you have to understand, is a situation for the Jaguars that is distressing. The line: Jacksonville by 21/2.

BRONCOS TO GARY: WE HOPE WE CANSTILL BE FRIENDS.

Denver at Arizona, 5:30 p.m., ESPN. Olandis Gary rushed for 1,159 yards in 1999, but he was third string in Denver in 2001 before Terrell Davis underwent arthroscopic knee surgery Thursday. This, Gary says, is not the kind of relationship with the Broncos he had in mind. “I would love to be a Bronco for the rest of my career,” Gary told the Denver Post. “This is a great city, great state, great fans. But I also want to marry a team. Right now, I just feel like I’m courting with them.” And being told: Sorry, but we’re washing our hair this Sunday. And every Sunday after that. The line: Denver by 8.

THAT’S 14.5 POINTS HIGHER THAN DON MEREDITH’S 2001 QUARTERBACK RATING

San Diego at Dallas, 10 a.m. Anthony Wright gets the start at quarterback for Dallas after Quincy Carter badly bruised the thumb on his throwing hand by banging it on a teammate’s helmet during practice. “This could be only a one-time deal,” Wright said, “so I have to make the most of every opportunity I get.” Then someone took another look at the current NFL quarterback rankings and saw Carter’s was 14.5. Then Wright suddenly came to the realization that he could be wrong. The line: San Diego by 31/2.

FRANKLY, DENNIS MILLERIS SPEECHLESS

Washington at Green Bay, Monday, 6 p.m., Channel 7. Mr. Schottenheimer Goes To Washington, an update: This week, an NFL personnel executive told the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel that the Redskins’ 30-3 opening-day loss to San Diego was “the worst display I’ve ever seen an NFL team put on in its first game from an offensive standpoint.... It was awful. It looked like it was the first time they had ever seen each other, went out and read the playbook and tried to play. They’re not a real good team, but nobody’s as bad as they looked in that one.” True. But then, as we all know, the Chargers have a way of doing that to opposing teams. The line: Green Bay by 81/2.