RATING THE TV GAMES

* * * * Whoa, Nellie

* * * Order some pizza

* * Channel-surf ... or hit the beach

* Weeds need pulling

* * * Penn State (0-2) at Iowa (2-0), 9 a.m., ESPN: Forget waiting for Joe Paterno to catch Bear Bryant. The Nittany Lions have fallen so far, it’s time to analyze the problem yourself. LINE: Iowa by 9.

* * No. 24 Purdue (2-0) at Minnesota (1-1), 9 a.m., ESPN2: Once the Big Two and the Little Eight, the Big Ten has become the Big Bunch of Pretty Good Teams. LINE: Purdue by 41/2.

* * No. 4 Nebraska (4-0) at Missouri (1-1), 9:30 a.m., Fox Sports Net: Nebraska has won 22 in a row against Missouri. Say, 23 seems to be a popular number this week. LINE: Nebraska by 231/2.

* * * No. 21 Mississippi State (1-1) at No. 2 Florida (3-0), 12:30 p.m., Channel 2: The last time Mississippi State beat Florida in Gainesville, Steve Spurrier was the Gator quarterback. LINE: Florida by 17.

* * * * No. 12 UCLA (3-0) at No. 19 Oregon State (1-1), 12:30 p.m., Channel 7, KLAC (570): Watch as UCLA’s resurgent defense holds Oregon State under 44 points for the first time in three seasons. The media-darling Beavers are officially flops if they lose. LINE: UCLA by 3.

* * Arkansas (0-2) at Georgia (1-1), 3:30 p.m., ESPN2: The Hogs and the ‘Dogs don’t have their usual bite. LINE: Georgia by 101/2.

* * * Stanford (2-0) at USC (1-2), 3:30 p.m., Fox Sports Net 2, KMPC (1540): Trojans can’t take too many more fantastic finishes after being on wrong end against Oregon last week--and last season against Stanford. LINE: USC by 2.

* * No. 20 Brigham Young (3-0) at Nevada Las Vegas (0-3), 4 p.m., Channel 7: BYU is hot and the winless Rebels are “in crisis,” Coach John Robinson says. Those Jason Thomas for Heisman CDs make good coasters. LINE: BYU by 7.

* * Texas Tech (2-0) at No. 5 Texas (3-0), 4 p.m., Fox Sports Net: This is the last warmup for Chris Simms and the Longhorns before the showdown with Oklahoma at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas next week. LINE: Texas by 18.

* * * * No. 14 Louisiana State (2-0) at No. 7 Tennessee (2-0), 4:45 p.m., ESPN: Big enough anyway, but Volunteers want vengeance after seeing goalposts come down after 38-31 overtime loss at LSU last season. LINE: Tennessee by 10.

* * Air Force (1-1) at San Diego State (1-2), 8 p.m., ESPN2, XTRA (690): Victory over Colorado State piques interest in the Aztecs. LINE: San Diego State by 31/2.

* Rice (2-1) at Hawaii (1-1), 9 p.m., Fox Sports Net 2: Owls planned four nights in Hawaii to prepare body clocks for 11 p.m. Central time kickoff. Hawaii quarterback Timmy Chang hopes they’re too sleepy to pick off five of his passes two years in a row. LINE: Hawaii by 31/2.