Working her way through school? David Chan...

Working her way through school? David Chan of L.A. sent along this “crime report” from UCLA’s Daily Bruin newspaper: “A woman wearing a business suit solicited sex from a passerby on Bruin Walk near Kerckhoff Hall.”

More jolts: If that item isn’t enough to perk you up, Chan points out you could almost get a caffeine high from the newspaper’s police log, which lately has reported a “suspicious package” on a bus that turned out to be a coffeemaker, “a bag with a powdery substance” in a cafe that turned out to be Coffee Mate and a bee nest near the Coffee Bean restaurant.

While across town...: USC’s Daily Trojan said authorities responded to a report of a fourth-floor fire at Harris Hall only to find nothing more than “burnt socks left in the hallway.” Don’t tell me college kids are back to smoking weird stuff.

Marquee madness (cont): In what has apparently become a daily component of this column, Phil Proctor of Beverly Hills contributed another twin bill featuring a current Sissy Spacek movie (see photo).

For another view: In Santa Monica, writer Hank Rosenfeld saw this variation: WHEN WE WERE SOLDIERS/IN THE BEDROOM.

Stories that were all wet: I mentioned that the April Fool’s issue of the Reef Seekers Dive Co. newsletter talked about filling Dodger Stadium with water for a scuba-diving event. That didn’t panic the populace. But Ken Kurtis of that Beverly Hills company said numerous people were alarmed about the publication’s lead article: the decision to have all international flights in this area take off and land from Catalina’s airport in order to provide increased security.

“People called to say how this was going to inconvenience them and make them think twice about flying out of the country,” Kurtis said. Especially the part about passengers being transported from LAX to the island via an old fleet of bankrupt cruise ships.

Food for thought: Nora Hunter of Whittier served up a soft-drink ad from a newspaper that included one variety “for those who are really, really vengeful” (see accompanying).

Stupid criminal tricks: A man in a trench coat stuffed several digital video discs into his clothing and tried to run from a store that was about to close. But employees, who were observing, had locked the door, the Long Beach Press-Telegram said. The thwarted thief emptied his pockets of 20 discs.

“Duh!” award winner? I spotted today’s warning to drivers in Long Beach (see photo). Then again, this being Southern California, maybe it does come as news to some motorists.

And, finally: Psychotherapist Dennis Marsella was upset that I wrote about him running in the L.A. Marathon while wearing a trench coat. “I ran in a HEAVY WINTER COAT,” he wrote. “I also carried a pizza in a box, topped by a water bottle, waiter-style.” I hope someone tipped the guy.

miscelLAny: In a survey of houses of worship in 200 cities, the Ladies’ Home Journal found Irvine to have the fewest in Southern California. And only five cities in the nation had fewer.

Irvine’s unofficial slogan, you may recall, is “Another Day in Paradise.”

As any religious person could tell you, one definition of paradise, of course, is heaven.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LA-TIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012 and by e-mail at steve. harvey@latimes.com.