One Look at Records Tells You They Bowl for Dollars

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, unless your bowl-bound school is reeling after four consecutive defeats (Minnesota), binding up emotional wounds with an interim coach (UCLA) or just cut a severance check to its chased-out-of-town defensive coordinator (Nebraska).

This week marks the start of a 28 bowl-game glut that spans from Tuesday’s New Orleans Bowl to the Jan. 3 Fiesta Bowl, so gather around the midfield corporate logo and celebrate a joyous time when coaches and players are rewarded for fantastic seasons.

For example, the Independence Bowl this year features two schools that are a combined one game over .500.

And one would be hard-pressed to find a more uplifting story than Las Vegas Bowl participant UCLA, which ended up fourth in the Pac-10 after being picked to finish sixth. Unfortunately, the coach who exceeded expectations could not attend the arrival news conference because he was fired last week.

OK, so maybe bowls are really about making money, big green gobs of it, and if you happen to pair two schools with winning records, that’s fine too.

With 56 of 117 Division I-A schools qualifying this year, bowl season has become the most open invitational since Woodstock. Over the next two weeks, 28 champions will be crowned, meaning 28 trophies next year will appear on 28 media guide covers.

So strap it up, boys, and have a ball -- no, have a bowl. For the record, 36 of the 56 bowl teams have four or more losses. If you put a three-defeat maximum cap on participants, 13 bowl games would be wiped out. As always, viewer discretion is advised, so we’ve whittled the must-see list to a precious few:

GMAC (Wednesday): Louisville (7-5) vs. Marshall (10-2). Story line: Two preseason Heisman Trophy candidates, quarterbacks Dave Ragone and Byron Leftwich, get knocked to Mobile, Ala., in what could be a shootout that tops triple-digit points.

* Las Vegas (Dec. 25): UCLA (7-5) vs. New Mexico (7-6). Story line: NCAA panel convenes at Caesars Palace to discuss how the organization can combat the evils of gambling. Featured speaker: Bob Toledo.

* Motor City (Dec. 26): Toledo (9-4) vs. Boston College (8-4). Story line: Thanks to UCLA Athletic Director Dan Guerrero, it’s now the only bowl game involving a Toledo.

* Independence (Dec. 27): Nebraska (7-6) vs. Mississippi (6-6). Story line: Nebraskans would rather vote solely Democratic than witness, perhaps, the last pillar fall in a dynasty. At stake is the Cornhuskers’ major college record of 40 consecutive winning seasons. Don’t look for a staff shakeup after the game -- the staff shakeup came before the game.

* Seattle (Dec. 30): Wake Forest (6-6) vs. Oregon (7-5). Story line: Oregon arranges bowl swap with Silicon Valley so its fans can infiltrate the homeland of bitter rival Washington. Bowl package includes a sunset “Taunt and Toast” boat cruise past Rick Neuheisel’s house on Lake Washington.

* Cotton (Jan. 1): Texas (10-2) vs. Louisiana State (8-4). Story line: Otherwise known as the Lee Corso Bowl. Before the season, the ESPN football analyst and Carmen Miranda impersonator predicted these teams would meet in the Fiesta Bowl for the national championship. Corso missed by only six losses, four for LSU and two for Texas, but that’s why he gets the big bucks.

* Rose Bowl presented by PlayStation2 (Jan. 1): Washington State (10-2) vs. Oklahoma (11-2). Story line: Kids make believe and play an Iowa vs. USC Rose Bowl on their game pads.

* Rose Bowl presented by the Orange Bowl (Jan. 2): Iowa (11-1) vs. USC (10-2). The best Granddaddy game in years is shipped 3,000 miles east and now officially features Heisman finalists No. 1 and No. 2.

* Fiesta Bowl (Jan. 3): Miami (12-0) vs. Ohio State (13-0). Story line: Bad news for the Buckeyes. Ken Dorsey and Willis McGahee, the top two players on the nation’s best team, got snubbed in balloting for every postseason award and couldn’t even muster, combined, more Heisman Trophy votes than Carson Palmer received. There is nothing more frightening than a team on a 34-game winning streak with something to prove.

Don’t Touch That Dial

ESPN’s next football movie, “The Dysfunction Boys,” is targeted for a fall 2003 release. The project will chronicle the Crimson Tide’s exasperating search for a football coach after Dennis Franchione’s unpardonable departure to Texas A&M;, concluding with the out-of-left-field hiring of actor Tom Berenger, “the closest thing we’ll get to Coach Bryant since Gary Busey,” one former player says.

We learn in the film Alabama was floored by Franchione’s departure.

“Coaches don’t leave Alabama for Texas A&M;,” one Alabama booster huffs. “Coaches leave Texas A&M; for Alabama.”

This was a reference, of course, to the legendary Paul “Bear” Bryant, who left Texas A&M; for Alabama after the 1957 season and coached the Crimson Tide to six national titles in 25 years.

Asked how he could leave Texas A&M; with seven years left on his contract, Bryant said at the time, “Mama called.”

Asked how he could leave Alabama with seven years left on his contract, Franchione responds in the film, “Money called.”

Among the inside moments revealed is an Alabama athletic department member’s response when Mike Riley asks how long he has to consider the school’s generous $1.3-million-per-season offer.

“Ya’ll got five minutes,” the official says.

Another Alabama fan says he can’t believe Riley would turn down an Alabama offer to consider a job at UCLA.

“UCLA?” the guys says. “Red Sanders hasn’t put out a decent squad in years.”

At one point in the ESPN project, an Alabama trustee faints when told the school might hire a 56-year-old coach from Pullman, Wash. Alabama settles on Berenger after he survives a brutal West Texas training camp in which 10 prospective coaching candidates are interrogated about Bryant.

Sample question: What was name of Coach Bryant’s wife?

Answer: Mary Harmon.