Our Would-Be Chair Man Doesn’t Ever Miss a Beat

Weekend observations, quips, musings and pinpricks while trying to maintain a resting heart rate suitable for a possible tryout on ABC’s “The Chair.”

News item: New England defeats Oakland, 16-13, on a controversial instant replay reversal.

Second thought: Sorry, but tennis star-turned-quiz master John McEnroe says I can NOT discuss this issue until my heart slows to below the 200 beats per minute it has maintained since NFL refs ruled New England quarterback Tom Brady did not fumble when hit by Raider cornerback Charles Woodson.

News item: Brady says in postgame interview “I knew I was throwing the ball.”

Second thought: Let’s send Brady straight to McEnroe’s chair and see if his ticker sticks to that story.

If you were not convinced Brady fumbled, you ought to obtain a transcript of the Channel 2 postgame show Saturday night that offered compelling and unbiased analysis from Rod Martin (former Raider), Willie Gault (former Raider), Steve Hartman (former Raider employee) and Jim Hill (wishes he was a Raider).

Inside scuttlebutt: Rumor has it former Pittsburgh Steeler running back Franco Harris is telling friends he thought the call was “immaculate and dead-on.”

News item: Reached by the Boston Globe, Ben Dreith says of the Brady play, “That was a fumble!”

Second thought: Background: Dreith was the NFL stripe who called New England defensive end Ray Hamilton for roughing Oakland quarterback Ken Stabler in a 1976 playoff game. That “iffy” call helped Oakland rally to victory. Patriot fans would simply argue Saturday night was payback for that injustice 25 seasons ago and proves the NFL has not always conspired against the Raiders.

News item: Bill Parcells rejects lucrative offer to coach Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Second thought: Tampa Bay’s decade-old pursuit of the “Big Tuna” has to be the most exasperating tough-luck fishing story since Santiago waged war with a marlin in Ernest Hemingway’s “The Old Man and the Sea.”

How many ways did Tampa Bay mess this up? The Buccaneers would not have fired Tony Dungy had they known Parcells was going to bail out. Also, in believing Parcells eventually would take the job, the Buccaneers botched the chance to hire Steve Spurrier.

At least in the Hemingway novel, Santiago walked away with his dignity.

News item: Dallas Maverick owner Mark Cuban (note seamless transition from Hemingway reference) threatens to sell team if NBA Commissioner David Stern punishes him by forcing franchise to forfeit draft picks.

Second thought: No, please, don’t, say it isn’t so. Next you’re going to tell us Dennis Rodman is threatening to leave Newport Beach.

News item: Montreal Expos to play farewell season under control of major league baseball.

Second thought: To address this unique situation, we’ve come up with some lame-duck promotional ideas:

May 15: Take a Seat Day. Every fan with a ticket gets to remove his seat and keep it. Club will provide screwdrivers.

June 13: Adhesive Tape Day. Fans get one free ticket for each roll of medical tape they provide to team’s training staff in an effort to keep costs down.

July 4: Curse Bud Selig in French Day.

Sept 30: Fan (Singular) Appreciation Day. Lone spectator attending last game gets to eat a box lunch on home plate.

News item: Expos may end up moving to Washington D.C.

Second thought: Early, off-the-cuff potential nicknames for the D.C. franchise: Lobbyists, Enrons, Domers, Interns, Phillybusters, Mem-Orioles.

A quick baseball-in-Washington recap: The Washington Senators played in the nation’s capital from 1901 to 1960 before moving to Minnesota. The “new” Senators were a 1961 expansion franchise and played in Washington through 1971 before relocating to become the Texas Rangers.

Senator trivia, fact and fiction: It is true President William Howard Taft threw out the first ball at a Senator game in 1910. It is not true Strom Thurmond tossed out the first ball in 1901.

The U.S. senator from South Carolina wasn’t born until 1902.

News item: Duke beats Maryland in basketball.

Second thought: ESPN has no regrets about televising a game that tipped off at 9:15 p.m. on the East Coast, although announcer Dick Vitale was almost fined $500 for violating Durham’s noise abatement laws.

News item: UCLA football Coach Bob Toledo awards himself a one-year contract extension through 2008.

Second thought: They’re technically calling this a rollover, which is sort of what last year’s Bruins did after a 6-0 start.

News item: UCLA basketball team blows 20-point second-half lead and loses at Arizona.

Second thought: Toledo tells Steve Lavin this may be a good time to roll over his contract.

News item: Washington Redskins introduce Steve Spurrier as new coach.

Second thought: You have to be pulling for Spurrier if only so he can debunk this work-till-you-drop NFL coaching mentality. In winning 122 games in 12 years at Florida, Spurrier managed to squeeze in 60 to 90 rounds of golf in the off-season.

Spurrier is traipsing on hallowed ground here given that Joe Gibbs, who led Washington to three Super Bowls titles, was a textbook workaholic who slept on a cot in his office during the week.

News item: McEnroe takes on challenge as host of ABC’s “The Chair.”

Second thought: Sadly, Ivan Lendl’s idea for a show called “The End Table” is rejected.

News item: UCLA and USC women mix it up during Pacific 10 basketball game.

Second thought: I just knew someday Title IX would lead to a title fight.

News item: Dodgers trade Gary Sheffield to Atlanta.

Second thought: Charter members of “Piazza Had To Go” fan club gather in phone booth near Tommy’s to discuss strategy.