He’s All Wigged Out About First-Place Dodgers

Here we are in first place all by ourselves, goose bumps and all on Fuzz Head Wig Night at the stadium, and now they’re telling me there’s some kind of rule prohibiting me from wearing an official white and blue wig in the Dodger press box.

You can imagine my disappointment.

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DOWN IN the Dodger clubhouse before the game, management wheeled in a 2002 Vespa, the motor scooter painted in Dodger colors with the team’s insignia on the sides and seat. A baseball-shaped case was attached to the rear of the scooter to hold a Dodger batting helmet.

“If we win the World Series,” I told Shawn Green and Eric Karros, “I’ll buy the cycle, wear the Dodger helmet and lead the championship parade.”

A Dodger spokesman chimed in: “We’re holding you to that.”

I wasn’t surprised; I couldn’t imagine anyone else offering to buy the bike.

A team spokesman said the cycle sells for $4,500, but that was before Green and Karros autographed it, so I could probably afford the $2,500 it’s worth now.

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AS I made my way from locker to locker Monday in the Dodger clubhouse, sidestepping the moat and landmines that mark Kevin Brown’s hole, I thought about how far we’ve come together this season.

“Where were you when we started the season 0-3?” said catcher Paul Lo Duca, and how quickly we forget. Lo Duca was one for 12 in the first three games of the season, and I believe I was two for three in column writing.

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THE IMPORTANT thing now is we’re in first place together.

“What’s this ‘we’ stuff?” Karros said. “Aren’t you going on vacation for a month starting next week?”

I wonder what that means when the athletes in town have my vacation schedule memorized.

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THE VACATION does start Monday, and Karros said, “We wouldn’t want you concerned, worried or checking the box scores to see how we’re doing.”

I thought it was very thoughtful of Karros to tell me to just go away.

But when he said he’d like to see me riding the Dodger motor scooter around the stadium naked after the team wins the World Series, I was worried maybe the wrong guy was taking the vacation.

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WHEN I mentioned to Brian Jordan “there’s no stopping us now that we’re in first place,” he replied, “Oh, no!”

I was a little surprised he’d disagree with me like that.

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NOW IF Eric Gagne had been the slug he had been a year ago--pitching at this time of the year in Las Vegas--all those media people who had predicted we wouldn’t be this good this season would’ve looked a lot smarter than they do now. I could name names, but Plaschke gets upset when I do that.

Gagne, a former hockey player obviously thrilled at playing a sport some people actually watch, went into Monday night’s game with 27 saves in 28 opportunities, a 1.14 earned-run average and 57 strikeouts in a little more than 39 innings.

“Yes, I’m surprised--like you,” said Gagne with a grin. “I always had confidence in myself, but the Dodgers had given me six or seven chances, and I didn’t know how long they were going to stay with me. I guess I just had to pay my dues.”

I asked him if he scares himself looking into a mirror. If he thinks he looks like “Wild Thing” Charlie Sheen in the movie, “Major League.” If his wife has told him he’s ugly with that hairy growth hanging from his chin.

“My wife likes it,” he said, so we’re talking true love here. “I usually shaved it every year in spring training because Tom Lasorda would make me. He didn’t say anything this year.”

Lasorda keeping his mouth shut--we never could have predicted that either when this season began.

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A FEW years ago Gagne, and a buddy who is now a construction worker in Montreal, had $150 between the two of them, and they used it to have small green four-leaf clovers tattooed to their shoulders with their initials.

Apparently, Gagne remains broke, pitching now under a salt-sweat-stained baseball cap torn in four different places and looking as if a family of hamsters has been using it as a nest. “It doesn’t smell,” Gagne said, and we took his word for it.

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WE MIGHT not be here in first place without Manager Jim Tracy, and I would like to have heard his secret to success, but I couldn’t bring myself to talk with him.

“Talk to Tracy,” Times columnist Diane Pucin had written in the morning newspaper, “and you will want to run wind sprints until you puke.”

I’m not sure now I can ever talk to him again.

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I’M THINKING of going to Edison Field on Saturday to spend one more night with our guys before taking time off to learn how to ride a motorcycle.

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THE BCS’ decision to drop the margin of victory from computer rankings will not have any impact on USC.

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I WILL be on assignment again today--playing in the 20th annual Tom Flores Boy Scout Invitational at Pelican Hill to benefit youngsters with disabilities. I mention this because it’s Tom Flores’ tournament, the former Raider coach, and a number of former Raiders will be participating and I never like to go anywhere with that many Raiders in one place without letting folks know of my whereabouts.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Connie:

“I opened Sunday’s paper, turned to the second page of sports, and it was like I had won the lottery. You were on assignment, and I didn’t have to waste my valuable time reading one of your dumb columns.”

Glad to see you put that time to good use e-mailing me.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com