From This Moment On, It Will Be Cry Me a River

You may have missed it, but talented Times’ columnist Bill Plaschke was selected as California Sportswriter of the Year recently, which got me to crying, prompting Plaschke to whip out his notebook just in case I had a sob story to tell.

As you know there’s no one better in the country locating the down and out and then delivering a stirring tear-jerker than Plaschke. I believe he can hear an ambulance from as far away as a thousand miles, which got me to thinking I’ll never win a writing award unless Plaschke is more than a thousand miles away, and I become more in tune with the miserable souls living in our own backyard.

So I begin my new approach to sportswriting and winning awards by giving you the compelling real-life struggles of some of our local pitchers, who by the sound of their financial concerns, fear they might soon be living on the streets of Anaheim.

In the gut-wrenching words of Angel pitcher Jarrod Washburn, “It’s not good.”

I’m afraid it’s even worse than that, and I wonder now where the collection boxes should be placed. The Angels have told Washburn he will have to make both ends meet on a salary of only $350,000 this year. The cold-hearted buzzards.

You’ve seen the cars parked in the players’ lot at Edison Field. How’s a guy supposed to give the team six quality innings every five days that he works while worrying how he’s going to buy gas for the Cadillac Escalade the local dealer has loaned him?

If I can find the 7-Eleven where Washburn’s wife is working, I hope to interview her.

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WASHBURN WENT to the mound 30 times last season and completed one game. It makes you wonder if he’ll have the motivation to do just as well this season on only $350,000.

As we know from watching the Lakers, it’s difficult for professional athletes to work up a sweat every game. Now you factor in the disrespect shown a player who is paid only $350,000, and you have to wonder how the Angels will perform this season, knowing that in addition to Washburn, they have decided to make Scott Schoeneweis and Ramon Ortiz also toil for next to nothing.

The Angels are going to pay Schoeneweis, who went 10-11 last season and gave up more than five runs a game, only $325,000 this year. It makes you wonder why a guy should bother trying to win more games than he loses.

As for Ortiz, every season it seems as if he’s suddenly three years older, and if there’s anybody on the Angels who has to concern himself with making it on Social Security some time soon, I guess it’s this old-timer.

“I need to take care of my family,” Ortiz said. “I’m not happy.”

The Angels offered Ortiz a four-year deal with a salary of $450,000 this season, but that wasn’t enough to take care of his family. My wife and two daughters just charge everything on their Sears cards; I’m not happy, but if I got paid more they would charge everything on their Nordstrom cards.

Because Ortiz wouldn’t agree to a multiyear deal, the Angels gave him a one-year salary of $270,000, and I presume discount tickets to Disneyland to take care of his family.

Dodger pitcher Matt Herges, meanwhile, is going to be stuck making $370,000 this season, and aren’t you glad you’re not a miserable major league baseball player.

“It’s very disappointing.... I’m a human being,” Herges said, and I know how emotional this must be for everyone. “It’s tough, and it’s going to take a while to get over it.”

A day later, the newspaper reported Herges had gained perspective after a visit from his cancer-surviving brother. (Plaschke was at the Olympics--more than a thousand miles away from Vero Beach, Fla.--and unable to do this part of the story.)

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NOW SOME people aren’t going to think these guys are as bad off as they make it seem. Some might even think it’s a benefit never going through an airport--the bus taking you onto the tarmac to your charter flight, your luggage taken care of for you and placed in your hotel room, your clothes given to you free by such companies as “No Fear,” everything from TVs to DVDs to hams and turkeys placed in your locker through the course of the season--but that doesn’t pay for the groceries.

The $77 per diem they give baseball players on the road helps with that, but there’s still only so many ways you can stretch $350,000.

You make $350,000, I know you don’t live in my neighborhood.

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NOW I understand why Plaschke seems so chipper all the time--everyone he writes about is always worse off than he is.

But I must say after listening to these baseball players, there is something invigorating about a good sob story. I think I’ll try to be more sympathetic to the needs of athletes like these more often.

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SOMEONE IN the NBA front office must really know what Reggie Miller said to Kobe Bryant and it must have been a real doozy--something as low down and troubling as the punch Kobe took at Miller, because there’s no other way to justify the two of them getting the same punishment. Kobe and Miller aren’t saying what was said, and I wouldn’t want to guess--in case I was right.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Paul L.

“Regarding your statement in Sunday’s column: ‘The made-for-TV movie “A Season on the Brink” with Brian Dennehy playing Bobby Knight, will be simulcast on ESPN and ESPN2 at the same time... ‘ Could you explain to me how it could be simulcast at different times?”

And insult your intelligence?

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.