For Crying Out Loud, It’s Final Score That Counts

A recap of events while pondering the similarities between the words “dumbbells” and “cowbells.”

News item: Sacramento King fans hit 128 on the decibel meter.

Second thought: Congratulations on this record-setting achievement. If you could cash decibels in for points, your team would have crushed the Lakers by 22.

News item: Shaquille O’Neal continues to be hobbled by injuries.

Second thought: I’ve stood bug-eyed and transfixed during the late-night testimonials, analyzed the infomercial literature, listened to former Dodger Jim Levebre until I was blue in the face, and humbly submit to Shaq these three potentially life-altering words: “Super Blue Stuff.”

News item: USA Today letter writer complains of Shaq: “If not for his size and strength, O’Neal would be handing out towels and cups of water from behind the Lakers’ bench.”

Second thought: If not for his speed, Michael Johnson would just be a slow guy; if not for his voice, Pavarotti would just be an Italian.

News item: Angels are hottest team in the majors.

Second thought: This is the season it finally comes together, right, the year we put 40 years of misery and malaise behind us--Mincher, Meoli, Monge, Mulliniks. This is the year Mike Scioscia pushes the right buttons and takes his team to the pennant precipice.

This is the season that ends ... in a strike?

Curses!

News item: Baseball players consider strike date in August.

Second thought: You ever get the feeling that their union is the only union most baseball players really care about? I mean, can you imagine these guys picketing outside a meatpacking plant in Oshkosh?

News item: Seattle Mariner reliever Jeff Nelson attempts to auction bone fragments removed during elbow surgery.

Second thought: EBay says no way on body parts, so don’t get any ideas Rulon Gardner (toe), Ronnie Lott (pinkie finger), Evander Holyfield (ear), Tommy John (elbow tendon), Dennis Rodman (brain cells) or Gaylord Perry (spit).

This eBay edict should officially put to rest inquiries involving early 20th century pitching star Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown.

News item: Shaq uses tweezers to remove own stitches from right index finger.

Second thought: Far as we know, eBay has no policy against hawking stitches.

News item: Fifty-four climbers reach summit of Mt. Everest on the same day.

Second thought: The hike to the world’s highest peak has become so congested it will soon feature a “fast lane” for two-or-more packers, a mini-mart, “Sherpa ‘N Go,” and a sign at the top that reads “Next rest stop: 29,035 feet (down).”

Also under construction: The Sir Edmund Hilary Travel Plaza.

News item: Jose Canseco says he’s going to write a tell-all book about womanizing and steroids in baseball.

Second thought: Sounds like an autobiography to me. My book title suggestion: “Bawl Four.”

News item: Canseco says 85% of today’s players use steroids.

Second thought: I’m 85% certain Canseco has no shot of making the Hall of Fame when he becomes eligible in the 2007 class that includes Tony Gwynn, Cal Ripken and Mark McGwire.

News item: Green Bay Packer running back Ahman Green faces domestic abuse charges.

Second thought: Nebraska guy? Yep.

News item: Man receives 30-year prison sentence for selling phony spectator badges to this year’s Masters golf tournament.

Second thought: Golf really is the cruelest sport. The United States Golf Assn. penalty for not replacing a divot is 40 years.

News item: Allen Iverson starts his own record company, telling the Philadelphia Inquirer: “I’m looking for all kinds of acts, whether they be rap, R&B;, rock ‘n’ roll, gospel, whatever.”

Second thought: Cut to recording studio after Iverson signs his first group.

Iverson: OK, fellas, there’s a lot at stake here, so why don’t we rehearse a few of the numbers before we roll tape.

Spokesman for band: Practice? Oh, no, Mr. Iverson, we don’t practice.

News item: Oscar De La Hoya says of Mike Tyson, “He’s a circus act, and he’s killing boxing.”

Second thought: Oscar, the only difference between the circus and boxing is the circus has two more rings.

News item: Six teams emerge as suitors for possible NFL franchise in Los Angeles.

Second thought: Let’s go right to the capsule summaries.

Minnesota Vikings: Pro: We already swiped the city’s basketball team and would happily heist its hockey team if it still had one.

Con: Never! Or, they’d first have to expunge the franchise history books. We still suffer night tremors about Metropolitan Stadium, heaters on the sideline, Bobby Bryant running 90 yards with a blocked kick for a touchdown, Tom Mack getting called for illegal motion (note: the ref was Tommy Bell); the Rams, losing at the Coliseum, in the rain, in 1977, with Fran Tarkenton injured, to backup Bob Lee.

Arizona Cardinals: Pro: Jake Plummer would still be the quarterback.

Con: Bill Bidwill would still be the owner. Could you imagine the worst owner in NFL history paired with the Clippers’ Donald Sterling?

Bottom line: This town isn’t small enough for the two of them.

Buffalo Bills: Pro: Team cheerleaders are nicknamed “The Jills.”

Con: Clippers started off in Buffalo.

Indianapolis Colts: Pro: Team could relocate in a heartbeat. In 1984, in the dead of night, owner Robert Irsay packed up the trucks and moved the team out of Baltimore.

Con: Former team owner, Carroll Rosenbloom, once married a singer named Georgia.

New Orleans Saints: Pro: In 1967, John Gilliam returned opening kickoff in franchise history for a touchdown against the Rams.

Con: Saints haven’t done squat since.

San Diego Chargers: Pro: Easy freeway access. Can either take Interstate 5 or go the back way up Interstate 15 through Temecula.

Con: Can’t bring their zoo.