It’s Time to Hear More Tales From the Dark Side

These people live among you:

CAROL SPENCER, signed, “with hatred and arrogance”: “You are a bourgeoisie elitist. If that isn’t in L.A.’s dictionary, I’ll have a Sacramento school send you one.”

I want you to know I love both hollandaise and bourgeoisie sauce.

H. Vu: “Where do you find the cows you keep talking about in Sacramento? Except for the fake ones, and a few kept at UC Davis for research purposes, I haven’t run into too many in my 20-odd years of living in Sacramento. You will have to introduce me to one the next time you are in town.”

Get your own date.

SHERWOOD STERLING: “You made fun of it the other day, but those of us named ‘Sherwood’ would like to think that our golfing companions are not offended by our first name.”

Think whatever you want.

ROB HAROL: “You are not unlike a fungus with your ability to grow on people and all.”

That’s the nicest e-mail I’ve ever gotten.

DAVID R. STERN: “Remember what happened to Frasier Crane when “Cheers” ended and he moved to Seattle. The same success can happen to Ryan Leaf.”

I agree. I think he’ll make a great radio talk-show host.

JEFF ROSE: “Your avoidance of interesting or real topics is stunning. It’s amazing you can write so many words and have so few of them worth reading. You confuse sarcasm for humor, and what I am reminded of is a Grinch: your heart has shrunk to the size of a pea, a pea left in the hot baking sun for a record-hot summer. And your character has dried up with it. You sir, have, like Luke Skywalker’s father, succumbed to the dark side, and, like all who go there and cannot return, it will hurt you more than it hurts us.”

Say hello to Nurse Ratched for me when she tucks you in tonight.

FEFEREINA: “Dear Mr. Personality Plus, how well do you swing a bat? Oh, you’re big with the words, but I’m sure your baseball skills are totally in the minus category. Darin Erstad takes after our great leader, Tom Osborne, of Nebraska fame.”

Was he the guy giving the “steal” sign to all those football players?

HOWIE HENDLER: “You continually put down Kevin Brown because you say he doesn’t have the arm of a marquee pitcher. I don’t ever remember seeing you on a major league roster. Probably because there is enough flab on those arms of yours that you can’t pick a baseball up.”

Nope, not enough steroids.

PP MORALES22: “Let me guess, your favorite team is the Dodgers. You’re just an Angel hater. Idiot! Why would you write about the Angels being dull?”

Because my favorite team is the Dodgers.

BRENT MANSON: “I live in Bloomington, Ill., which is in Bulls’ country, so it is hard to get a friend to watch the Lakers’ game with me. I don’t know if you missed it, but Mike Bibby had time to clip his nails. It was captured on NBC for the world to see. Check it out.”

Hard to believe you have trouble finding friends to watch a game with you.

JOHN SMART: “USC won the Lexus Gauntlet Trophy, defeating UCLA overall in sports this year, and Mike Garrett will receive the trophy Wednesday. You going?”

What? Tell you, and give Garrett a running start?

BILL SEXTON: “Any mention you may give this press release would be greatly appreciated: The Ultimate Wrestling Federation’s ‘Summer Chaos’ begins on May ... “

Glad to help.

DR. RICH: “Shawn Green, Tim Salmon, Jason Allison, Eric Karros. I’m impressed! My name is Rich and I’m a dentist. Production is down at my office. Can you please make fun of me in your column and add me to your list of accomplishments? I’ll throw in a free root canal as incentive. You can even give it to the Grocery Store Bagger as a wedding present and I’ll do it without anesthesia.”

Talk about pulling teeth, wait until we ask the groom’s parents if they want to chip in anything for the wedding.

JOHN JACKSON: “Your prediction the Lakers would win three in a row was about as off target as Derek Fisher’s shooting.”

I’d like to come up with some defense, but I guess I’m no better than Fisher in that department either.

NINERFNSK8: “Gosh, what’s worse? You or Gov. Gray Davis?”

Depends whether you like the lights on or off.

PABLO LOPEZ: “Could someone please put a Kings’ jersey on Bill Walton. His voice is so annoying and then to top it off, he keeps cheering for the Kings. He needs to be neutral and call it like it is. Stop the ‘Someone in Sacramento, please get a rebound’ and other things like that. It’s time for NBC to pull the plug on Bozo.”

It appears Bozo is cheering for the right team.

ANDREW SMITH: “I am at a loss to understand why Los Angeles area journalists, such as yourself, find such pleasure in verbally bashing our state capital. Fortunately, the incessant insults perplexed Sacramento Bee sports writer Marcos Breton so much, that he decided to write a column about it.”

I read it. Now I understand why he’s writing in Sacramento for the Bee.

RICK BAEDEKER: “While you were technically correct to report that you out drove me on most holes at the Los Angeles Sports & Entertainment Golf Tournament, you failed to tell the whole truth to your readers. My drives remained in the County of Los Angeles.”

... A few feet beyond the ladies tees as I recall.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from JAY SEDRISH:

“I’m just curious. Is it the purpose of the ‘Last Word’ section of your column to prove that the contributor, whose comment is chosen, is a moron?”

I don’t know--what do you think, Jay?

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com