Struggling Writers Turn to Him for Inspiration

These people live among you:

Jeff Simpson: “Your spoiled child tantrums committed to print cheapen the efforts of those considered professionals at The Times. I will never subscribe to The Times or patronize its online version as long as you are employed by the newspaper. You may think ... ‘it’s just one jerk SC fan,’ but trust me ... there are thousands like me.”

I have no doubt about that.

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Dennis McD1.: “Face it, T.J. you are an idiot. It will only hurt your career if you continue being an obnoxious jerk to [USC fans]. I had an uncle pass away recently. He wasn’t very nice to people while he lived and when he died only 12 people showed up for his funeral [two of them were altar boys]. The same thing will happen to [you] if [you] continue down this path.”

If the idea is to rest in peace why would anyone want a bunch of USC fans at his funeral?

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Resume2002: “You must be a very sad and lonely man.”

On the contrary, I have tons of UCLA friends.

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Bill Miller: “I can’t understand why no one has complained about how critical you are of ‘Around the Horn.’ Can you explain this?”

No one watches.

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Todd Burnett: “Please leave, and save all of us Trojans and proud Angelenos from your venomous filth. Are you really this ignorant? Or are you just a simple-minded bad writer?”

Frankly, you’ve got me stumped.

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CARI4USC: “I’d like to suggest you go to hell, but no, Heaven is better because at least there you will be surrounded by Trojan fans.”

Someone has to wait hand and foot on all the Irish fans up there.

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Jason Wolak: “After reading your article Sunday it’s obvious to me you never played football and don’t understand what the USC football team has accomplished. Had you ever had the guts to strap a helmet on, I’d have loved to have had the chance to lay a smashing hit on you.”

Sounds as if you’ve played some football with the helmet off.

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David Chill: “After 25 years of receiving the service, I canceled my Times subscription today. Your column regarding USC [Sunday] was the last straw.”

I know how hard it is to turn from page two without reading it ...

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Kathy Schwartz: “Regarding the mention [in your column] about the Notre Dame High School band not being able to play for the University of Notre Dame at the USC game: The band members are all extremely disappointed. Especially, Lyle, the Tuba player.”

Good news, USC is inviting the band to the game; no idea if they’ll be forced to play Conquest.

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Gregg Shanberg: “ ... Plaschke is on the bandwagon and I’m sure your big fat behind will be on there, too, by season’s end.”

Obviously you have me confused with sports editor Bill Dwyre.

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N. Chris Lynch: “I’m gonna call your boss and ask that he fire you. I’m going to take action against your paper by asking everyone I know to cancel. I’m also going to request that your paper be banned from all USC functions unless you are fired.”

Does that include not speaking to Trojan Booster Clubs?

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Mcatlin: “You have shown your ignorance of the sport of tennis -- especially women’s tennis. Why would you ask a player why she wears a watch? Either stay away from reporting on women’s tennis or become more informed. You owe Ms. [Justine] Henin and women’s tennis an apology.”

It’s Mrs. -- Henin got married over the weekend. You should be better informed.

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Dale Red: “You have to give the USC Brain Surgeons [the late Jim Healy’s term] one thing, year after year they have better looking cheerleaders than the Bruins. Why is that?”

I’m not going there, although I believe you have it the other way around.

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Leafnose: “The Coliseum is beyond tired. I was there for [the USC game]. It was my first attendance at a game in over 15 years ... there’s an enormous number of fans who don’t attend USC games based on the facility and the perceived nuisances in the stands. My base reason for not going to the Coliseum -- it stinks. I couldn’t see a thing.”

Wait until Saturday’s Smoke Out Festival on the Coliseum grounds.

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Jack Moore: “Where is your support for a local player? Be he Bruin or Trojan or whatever? Whether you like USC or not, the statistics put up by Carson Palmer this year against what is considered the toughest schedule in the nation deserves your unbiased scrutiny.”

First you want my support for a local player, and then you demand my unbiased scrutiny.

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Christine Hanson: “Bill Plaschke gave you reason after reason why Carson Palmer is more deserving than any other collegiate player this season to be awarded the Heisman.”

I thought it was just one of those down-and-out Plaschke columns about some guy who can’t catch a break ...

(Page Two unbiased scrutiny update: Palmer, who has yet to carry the Trojans on his back to victory, lacks the credentials to be ranked in the top five for Heisman consideration, falling behind Miami’s Ken Dorsey and Willis McGahee, Texas Tech’s Kliff Kingsbury, Iowa’s Brad Banks, Colorado’s Chris Brown, Washington State’s Jason Gesser and Penn State’s Larry Johnson.)

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Jon Albin: “You’re pathetic. I was thinking maybe you couldn’t gain admission to USC. But it seems you are bitter about all L.A. sports. Maybe you were just the fat kid that was always picked last at recess and you’re trying to work out some issues. Either way, you’re a joke.”

Well, that’ll help me work out my issues.

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Lance Israel: “Being so bitter causes health problems.”

I’m checking to see if there’s a vaccine for Trojan fans.

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Mdubop: “Hey there Old Toe-Jam Simers, you must be getting scared that you’ll be run out of town on a rail some day ... “

I’m more concerned there’s going to be a reason to cover a USC women’s basketball game this season.

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Kenneth Hofman: “You have got to get a life. Your life’s ambition is to somehow discredit USC and its football program? Wow. Falls just a bit short of world peace, my brother.”

I’m just glad you took time out from your work on world peace to e-mail me.

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Rick Cort: “I’ve been going to SC football games for 40 years ... “

Usually when most people go to confession, the priest just gives them five Hail Mary’s ...

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.