Clippers Should Issue Ultimatum for Good Play

The Internet forgets nothing, so 40 years from now when a teacher assigns a youngster to research what took place on Sept. 18, they will learn a horse beat the first U.S.-made locomotive on that date, Patty Hearst was captured by the FBI and Roman Emperor Domitian was assassinated by his wife.

Digging deeper they will discover Sept. 18 has also been known as National Chocolate Day and Michael Olowokandi Ultimatum Day.

“Who is Michael Olowokandi?” some youngster will undoubtedly want to know.

“Nobody,” will be the teacher’s reply, and then the child will return to computer work in the Donald Sterling Memorial Library a little wiser.

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I’M NOT sure I could dream up anything funnier than this: a Clipper giving Sterling the ultimatum to give him money by Sept. 18 or else. I can just picture Olowokandi jumping up every time the telephone rang Wednesday: “Oh, that’s probably Don.”

Now why Sept. 18? I know the significance of Oct. 1 (the Clippers open training camp) and the significance of Oct. 31 (the last date the team can do a new deal with Olowokandi), but what’s the big deal about the 18th?

Maybe he’s Swiss, because the 18th is known as “Kasteilet,” a holiday in Switzerland to celebrate “dividing the cheese.” Olowokandi--that’s Swiss, isn’t it?

I called the office of Bill Duffy, the Swiss Man’s agent, and was told “he’s not in, and if he was, he’d have no comment.”

I just want to know if Olowokandi is Swiss, I said, and if this is all about dividing the cheese, and for some reason our conversation went no further.

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NOW AS I understand it, the Swiss Man made more than $4 million last year, and the Clippers are obligated to give him a 30% pay increase this year to $6 million if he can’t get something better elsewhere. The guy averaged 11.1 points last year in the season of his life, and he’s guaranteed a 30% pay increase on top of the ridiculous amount of money they are already paying him. I’m surprised Sept. 18 isn’t forever known as the day the Swiss Man was indicted for highway robbery.

I exaggerated a little bit. He didn’t have the season of his life so much as the 23 games of his life with a new contract as a goal. Now when he was at his best in those 23 games, the Clippers went 10-13, so maybe it’s not such a good idea letting the Swiss Man touch the ball so much.

Olowokandi wants his money now, we’re told, so he doesn’t have to worry in training camp. You can imagine the mental anguish, knowing you might earn only $6 million this year if everything fails.

The Big Stiff has averaged less than 10 points in 287 NBA games, and yet he is insisting on being paid the maximum salary allowable, which is $100 million for the next seven years. I’ll pause at this point so you can stop laughing.

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STERLING IS willing to pay Olowokandi more than the $6 million he’s obligated to give him this year. I’ll pause again so you can stop laughing.

The Clippers have offered Olowokandi a contract that would pay him nearly $8.5 million a year for the next seven seasons if he plays the way he did in those final 23 games. Given what you’ve seen up to this point, would you want it on your resume that you’re the guy who paid him more than $8.5 million a year? In the business of sports, that’s known as pulling a Kevin Malone.

The Clippers are still going to have to pay big money to Brand-Miller-Odom and Maggette, or throw away the makings of a perennial playoff team. There will be lots of chances to ridicule Sterling for being a tightwad.

This isn’t one of them.

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ULTIMATUM DAY passed without the Clippers doing anything more, and without the “or else” from Olowokandi. The Swiss Man will probably sign the Clippers’ qualifying offer of $6 million in the next few days, play out the season, become a free agent and then wait to see how the cheese will be divided next year.

I just hope he doesn’t go hungry.

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JACKIE CHAN, star of “The Tuxedo,” and wearing a Dodger jersey with No. 32 on his back, threw out the first pitch before Wednesday’s game against the Giants. I would have given him Kevin Brown’s jersey; at least they would have gotten some use out of it.

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STAT OF the year: Shawn Green (26), Paul Lo Duca (19), Adrian Beltre (17), Mark Grudzielanek (17) and Cesar Izturis (12) have all hit into more double plays than Mr. 6-4-3, Eric Karros (11).

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NO. 2 STAT of the year: The Dodgers were 50-29, in first place with a 3 1/2-game lead entering play on June 29 in Anaheim when Manager Jim Tracy gave his, “I told you we knew what we were talking about and you dummies didn’t” speech to reporters. After Wednesday night’s 7-4 loss, the Dodgers have gone 35-38 since then.

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USC UNVEILED a statue of the “Wild Bunch” outside Heritage Hall this week, which includes Jimmy Gunn, Charles Weaver, Tody Smith, Willard Scott and Al Cowlings. I haven’t seen the 10-foot by 8-foot statue, but I picture five guys piling into a white

Bronco.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Bob:

“Whenever I don’t [enjoy one of your columns], I smile, knowing you’ve been selected to be one of those columnists who has every possible name in bold type, including the Grocery Store Bagger, to assist us, otherwise we would have no chance to understand your profundities. Maybe some day, in one of your ‘These people live among you’ columns, I’ll see my name [in bold type].”

Why wait, you Silly Nut.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com