A spin by any other name ...

In a bold attempt to improve the image of South-Central L.A., city officials have renamed the area “South Los Angeles.” Critics promptly ridiculed the move, arguing that the name change won’t eliminate the neighborhood’s underlying problems.

But what if the underlying problems also got renamed? For example, gangs could be referred to as “urban Rotary Clubs,” smog could become “mineral-fortified air” and the unemployed could be called “members of the simplicity movement.”

Relabeling the social ills that are associated with the district formerly known as South-Central could dramatically boost residents’ self-esteem. And it’s much cheaper than attacking the root causes of those ills.

But “South Los Angeles” still sounds too similar to “South-Central Los Angeles.” If the goal is to erase the area’s stigma, a radically different name should be adopted, such as “South Bel-Air,” “L.A. 90210” or “Paris.”

Meanwhile, other image-challenged entities have launched name changes of their own:

* In an effort to ward off protests from animal-rights activists, the beef industry has begun referring to slaughterhouses as “cow reeducation camps.”

* North Korea, tired of being branded as part of the “axis of evil,” has changed its name to “East Switzerland.”

* In a bid to relax environmental standards, the Bush administration wants toxic waste reclassified as “magic glow-in-the-dark elixir of fun.”

* To downplay church sex-abuse scandals, Roman Catholic leaders will now refer to priests convicted of child molestation as “Oscar-winning director Roman Polanski impersonators.”

* Sport-utility vehicle owners who don’t want to be criticized for driving gas-guzzlers can call their cars “OPEC revenue enhancers.”

* Drug dealers sick of being vilified for destroying America’s moral fiber are banding together to be designated as “freelance pharmacists.”

* Residents of San Quentin Village, desperate to boost property values near California’s notorious state prison, have proposed changing their hamlet’s name to Saint-Tropez Quentin.