Mr. Grumpy Finds a Use for Call-Waiting Feature

Called the Dodgers on Wednesday morning, and asked to speak to my old buddy Kevin Brown.

I said I’d wait while they hooked us up.

Had lunch delivered. Dinner too. It got dark outside.

Just sat there all day long doing nothing, and although I discovered what it’s like to be Sports Editor Bill Dwyre for a day, I began to get the feeling my old buddy and I weren’t going to make connections.

And I had something I really wanted to say to him too.

I wanted him to know that I’m absolutely the last guy in town who would want to see him traded to the New York Yankees.

I want him to stay here and be as miserable as the rest of us who attend Dodger games.

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IF THERE’S anyone who should be forced to sit through every agonizing inning for the next two years to complete his seven-year, $105-million contract, it’s Mr. Grumpy, who hasn’t cracked a smile since he has been here, despite earning $1,293,103.45 for each of his 58 victories.

Why should Mr. Grumpy be allowed to escape and experience the thrill of winning a playoff game and competing in the World Series when the rest of us are stuck with nothing but stiffs?

I know a lot of the media suggested to just get rid of the guy, so the Dodgers can save some money. I’m sure Fox’s Rupert Murdoch, whose net worth is placed at somewhere around $5.3 billion, give or take a million or two, appreciates that.

It’s already understood around here that the Boston parking lot guy who is going to buy the Dodgers doesn’t have much money and will need to reduce the payroll. Is this acceptable? Seems to me he should continue parking cars until he has what it takes to do a good job in the entertainment capital of the world.

Somewhere along the way, baseball fans in L.A. bought into this absurd idea that things have to be done to make the Dodgers’ payroll more manageable, or else. Or else what?

Shipping Brown to New York, we’re being told, will give the Dodgers lots of money now to improve the team -- like (a) we’re supposed to believe the Dodgers will spend that money on talent and (b) if they do, I remind you, it will be General Manager Dan Evans who determines which players have talent.

We’re also being told we’ll just feel better to rid ourselves of Mr. Grumpy. We were told the same thing when things got nasty with Mike Piazza, and later with Gary Sheffield. Well, we really showed those guys.

If trading Mr. Grumpy put a first baseman, second baseman and center fielder in the lineup who could hit, I’d say goodbye to Mr. Grumpy, and would also suspect someone has kidnapped Evans and is now calling the shots.

If this all turns out to be nothing more than another baseball rumor with little substance, as a pair of New York newspapers suggested, then I can only imagine how grumpy that’s going to make my old buddy.

In fact, I can’t wait until we can pop open a cold one, and laugh about it together.

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THE DODGERS lost Paul Quantrill to the Yankees and Mike Kinkade to Japan. Some people will go to all ends of the Earth to get away from the Dodgers.

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WHEN I mentioned Kinkade’s departure to Evans, he said, “Where did Kinkade go?” I’m not surprised he was the last to know.

“Oh, I knew,” he said. “We hadn’t announced it yet.” What a relief to learn he wasn’t clueless, but just trying to deceive me.

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THE TIMES reported the Dodgers offered catcher Paul Lo Duca to Milwaukee for Richie Sexson. They could do that, of course, because they have Todd Hundley to catch and strike out. (It’s going to be another long year, folks.)

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THE DODGERS increased some ticket prices, and Kris Rone, the team’s vice president of business operations, said in a release, “We have enjoyed an increase” in season ticket sales “due to the extraordinary pricing and entertainment we offer.”

I called Rone to ask about the entertainment I must have missed. I was told she was on vacation. And here I thought she was just out to lunch.

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LAST YEAR’S Silicon Valley Classic in San Jose between Georgia Tech and Fresno State drew 10,142 fans. Bowl officials wanted to beef up attendance, so they invited the dynamic Bruins, who offer all kinds of marketing possibilities: “Be the first fans since 1994 to watch UCLA lose five games in a row.”

If I’m working on behalf of the Silicon Valley Classic, I’m pointing out how fan-friendly the Bruins have become. With the 109th-ranked offense in the country, this is a team you can watch and never worry about missing something while standing in line to use the restrooms or buying concessions.

Fewer than 1,000 fans joined the Bruins in Las Vegas last year, but now they have Coach Karl Dullard to inspire them, and I’m sure he’ll drum up a lot of excitement for the big game with Fresno State.

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THE STARBRIGHT Foundation will give the “Heart of Gold” award tonight at the Beverly Hilton Hotel to Alex Spanos. In Hollywood it’s all about good casting, so to present the award to the Goof who owns the Chargers, and who has been accused by some of sucking the life out of the city’s general tax fund with more than $31 million in unsold tickets, it will be actress Sarah Michelle Gellar, you know, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Joe Larkin:

“You are the most infuriating columnist in the history of journalism. Today’s column moved all San Diego residents into the category of Goofs.... The only thing positive you’ve ever done for San Diego was to leave, and believe me, all of us ‘goofs’ are thankful for that.”

Just my way of making sure San Diego remains a small town.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.