Roll Reversal

Let’s face it, Los Angeles, our national image is in the tank. The rest of the country firmly believes we’re nothing but a bunch of manicured, pedicured, mud-wrapped, self-absorbed suntans -- and the fact that our new governor is an ex-body builder action-movie star currently on location in Sacramento doesn’t exactly help our case.

And, all right, a lot of us acted as if the Earth had spun off its axis, hurtling over to head-butt the moon, when Shaq and Kobe engaged in the quintessential round of stereotypical Angeleno name-calling -- “You’re selfish!” “You’re fat!”

And, OK, a few too many of us speed-dialed our on-retainer attorneys when we heard that USC, No. 1 in both the writers’ and coaches’ college football polls, would not be playing in the bowl championship series title game.

We concede. We are occasionally overindulgent. We are periodically over the top.

Would self-absorbed people admit that?

No, we’re self-aware. We read the headlines -- on our laptops at WiFi-equipped designer coffee shops all over the Southland. We follow the news -- on HDTV-ready plasma screens the size of the rear doors on our SUVs.

We keep up on current events. We know the NFL inside and out, because we don’t have the sideshow of a losing Los Angeles franchise to distract our big-picture attention. We know Arte Moreno made a good buy with the Angels, we’re not sure what to make of Frank McCourt, and after this late-December mini-swoon by the Lakers, we’re starting to think Jerry Buss might not have bought all the future Hall of Fame players his team actually needed.

We’re wired, we’re broadbanded, we’ve been studying this thing for quite a while, and we have come to the following conclusion about the world of sports in 2003:

This year has been either the longest bash-L.A. bash on record ... or 12 months’ worth of cosmic comeuppance for the block party we threw for ourselves in 2002, when Los Angeles sports teams and athletes dominated nearly all that was worth dominating.

And we’re certain the rest of the country, from San Antonio to Syracuse, from New Jersey to Florida, should surely see it our way.

This time last year, Carson Palmer had just won the Heisman Trophy and USC was readying for a 38-17 Orange Bowl blowout of Iowa that had many suspecting that college football’s best team hadn’t been invited to the national championship game.

In 2003, Palmer was drafted No. 1 by the Cincinnati Bengals -- and this is where we began to suspect someone was messing with the software. Palmer, sure-fire NFL prospect, has yet to play a regular-season down and the Bengals, NFL mud flaps from 1990 on, start the season’s final weekend in contention for the playoffs.

Palmer left behind a supposedly cavernous hole at quarterback at USC, which lost its entire offensive backfield and was staring at a rebuilding season. In stepped sophomore Matt Leinart, who put up better numbers than those that earned Palmer the Heisman, and USC won 11 of 12 games to gain the top ranking in both polls.

More software problems. In a scenario borrowed from “2001: A Space Odyssey,” a group of computers, none of them named HAL, accumulated data on the season’s trio of one-loss teams and spat out a national championship Sugar Bowl matchup between Louisiana State and an Oklahoma team that lost the Big 12 championship game by 28 points.

USC, ranked No. 1 by humans but only No. 3 by computers, ended up in the Rose Bowl (against No. 4 Michigan -- how old-school low-tech), a development that had many suspecting that college football’s best team hadn’t been invited to the national championship game.

This time last year, L.A. and Orange County housed the reigning champions of the NBA (the recently three-peated Lakers), the WNBA (the just-did-repeat Sparks), Major League Baseball (the for-Pete’s-sake Angels) and Major League Soccer (Sigi Schmid’s star-dusted Galaxy).

In 2003, the Lakers didn’t make it out of the quarterfinals, losing to the San Antonio Spurs to conclude a sputtering late-season run that never produced a finishing kick and sent Coach Phil Jackson to the hospital to correct a heart problem.

On the sidelines in June for the first time this century, the Lakers watched the Spurs claim the NBA title, this time with no asterisk required, by finishing a full 82-game regular season and four-round tournament climb with a four-games-to-two triumph over the New Jersey Nets in an unsightly, unseen-by-millions Finals.

Then, in early July, the Lakers experienced the most mind-blowing week in their history. On July 4, Kobe Bryant turned himself in to the Sheriff’s Department at Eagle, Colo., after a warrant had been issued for his arrest on suspicion of sexual assault. Six days later, news broke that the team had reached verbal agreements with Hall of Fame locks Karl Malone and Gary Payton, for substantial pay cuts, and on July 12, both players signed Laker contracts, sacrificing salary for the chance at late-career championship rings.

Bryant’s arrest, followed by his being charged with felony sexual assault, a crime that carries a potential sentence of life imprisonment, was the most shocking sports-related story of the year. Initially, Bryant’s carefully crafted public image served as his best defense; radio talk-show hosts and media commentators who claimed to “know” the real Kobe assured all that Bryant was innocent and had to have been set up by a money- and attention-grubbing gold digger.

That sentiment changed when Bryant admitted during a Staples Center news conference that he was guilty of adultery, but not the alleged crime. Bryant spent the rest of the off-season shuttling back and forth between court appearances in Colorado and oddly ostentatious and defiant public appearances apparently designed to underscore the player’s assertions of innocence.

Fans were more forgiving than advertisers. Near the end of the year, it was announced that Bryant was the Western Conference’s leading vote-getter for the 2004 NBA All-Star game -- yet he was invisible in commercials and endorsements after his arrest. In a telling sign of the times, Bryant’s spot as spokesman for the soft-drink Sprite was handed to 18-year-old Cleveland Cavalier rookie LeBron James, whose legal track record is blemished only by his acceptance of a couple of free replica Wes Unseld and Gale Sayers throwback jerseys.

Amid speculation that he might sit out the 2003-04 season, Bryant reported late to training camp, and got into a two-day on-the-record spat with Shaquille O’Neal that left the NBA media writhing with sky-is-falling convulsions, but quickly settled into the Lakers’ star-studded lineup. The Lakers opened 18-3, then went 2-4 as Malone limped out of the lineup on an injured knee, bottoming out with a 99-87 defeat by Houston that had the home fans booing them on Christmas Day.

The Sparks took their bid for a third consecutive WNBA title to the final game of the final round but lost the best-of-three series to the Detroit Shock, coached by longtime Laker adversary Bill Laimbeer. Some solace for L.A. fans: Laimbeer can now be seen on ESPN’s NBA studio show, struggling to restrain himself from reaching across the desk and throttling Stephen A. Smith, who is pioneering a revolutionary “Spinal Tap” approach to basketball analysis -- his volume knob goes to 11.

Fans attending Angel games at Edison Field in 2003 were greeted by a daily miracle -- the team’s 2002 World Series trophy, glistening inside a glass case. It had to be seen to be believed, and even when it was, some spectators still couldn’t fathom the achievement.

Neither could the Angels, who slipped back to usual standards, finishing 77-85 and in third place in the American League West, 19 games behind the Oakland Athletics. Compounding their problematic encore, the Angels found themselves upstaged by the cartoon hockey team across the street, as the Mighty Ducks of ’03 pulled an Angels ’02 -- upsetting the vaunted Detroit Red Wings in the first round of the playoffs, then surprising the Dallas Stars in the second, sweeping the Minnesota Wild in the conference finals and taking the New Jersey Devils to Game 7 of the finals before falling just short of the Stanley Cup.

The Ducks didn’t score many goals along the way; captain Paul Kariya was criticized in the media for his lack of big-game offensive production before being waylaid by a brutal Scott Stevens hit in Game 6 of the finals, then groggily returning to the ice and scoring a dramatic goal that helped push the series to the limit.

The team’s playoff run was largely the handiwork of goaltender Jean-Sebastien Giguere, who went nearly 218 minutes of game time without yielding a goal and finished the tournament with a 15-6 record and a 1.62 goals-against average. Giguere was voted the Conn Smythe Trophy, given annually to the most valuable player of the Stanley Cup playoffs.

As with the Angels, the Ducks’ follow-up attempt has been fraught with frustration. Less than a month after the finals, Kariya bolted for Colorado, agreeing to sign a free-agent contract for much less money -- and persuading close friend and former Anaheim favorite Teemu Selanne to join him.

Kariya’s move angered Duck fans, but General Manager Bryan Murray acted quickly, replacing a star with a star and signing Red Wing standout Sergei Fedorov to a five-year, $40-million contract in mid-July. Fedorov has yet to ignite the Ducks’ offense, however, and Giguere has been erratic during the new season’s first three months, with the team approaching January in last place in the Pacific Division.

Meanwhile, the Kings took their share of lumps, missing the playoffs and grinding their teeth through two months of Duckmania. Then defenseman Joe Corvo was charged with felony assault and battery for an incident with a woman in a Boston restaurant. Corvo eventually pleaded guilty, getting a two-year suspended sentence from the judge and a three-game suspension from the Kings.

For the 2002 MLS champion Galaxy, the spoils of victory included a beautiful new 27,000-seat soccer stadium, christened the Home Depot Center, in Carson. Unfortunately for the team, construction bled into the start of the 2003 season, requiring the Galaxy to play its first eight games on the road.

The Galaxy did not win any of those eight games, setting the tone for a disappointing season in which the club failed to win a road game -- and had an epic collapse in the playoffs against the San Jose Earthquakes. The Galaxy blew a four-goal aggregate lead and was eliminated in the first round.

A few weeks later, the Earthquakes added further insult by winning the MLS title at the Home Depot Center, which also served as the site of the Women’s World Cup final. When the women’s tournament, originally scheduled to be played in China, had to be moved because of the SARS crisis in eastern Asia, the United States stepped in as emergency host.

The U.S. had played host to a famously successful Women’s World Cup in 1999, but four years later, the hurriedly transplanted competition played out inside smaller stadiums and in front of smaller crowds during the NFL season. Likewise, the performance of the U.S. team was smaller than in 1999 -- the Americans, defending holders of the cup, lost, 3-0, in the semifinals to the new champion, Germany.

The Germans and the runner-up Swedes credited their improvement to their players’ participation in the U.S.-based women’s professional soccer league, WUSA. Days before the tournament opener, WUSA announced it was suspending operations after three seasons, citing financial losses. League officials are hoping to revive the league in an abbreviated form in 2004.

Elsewhere in Los Angeles, the Clippers and UCLA made coaching changes -- the Clippers borrowing a page from an old Laker playbook and hiring Mike Dunleavy, the Bruins firing Steve Lavin after the school’s first losing basketball season in 55 years and replacing him with Ben Howland. UCLA also brought in a new football coach, Karl Dorrell, who produced a record and a bowl berth worthy of his good-defense, no-offense squad -- 6-6 and the Silicon Valley Classic.

Several of the top national sports stories of 2003 had Southland ties.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers won the Super Bowl, beating L.A.’s old NFL team, the Oakland Raiders, 48-21, in San Diego, home of the former -- and future? -- Los Angeles Chargers. Dropping loud hints about heading back up the freeway, the Chargers moved their summer training camp to Carson and sued the city of San Diego to get out of their Qualcomm Stadium lease.

But when it comes to the NFL, Los Angeles is a wary and discriminating customer. Our memories of Georgia Frontiere and Al Davis remain too vivid. With the right satellite dish, or inside the right neighborhood sports bar, we have subsisted rather comfortably without a local NFL team for the last nine seasons. The Chargers are 3-12. L.A. has seen that act before. Marty Schottenheimer circa 2003 is eerily reminiscent of Chuck Knox circa 1993.

When Moreno bought the Angels from Disney in May, he became the first Latino owner of a major professional sports franchise. He quickly won over fans by cutting some concession prices, mingling with spectators in the Edison Field stands and shelling out for some major off-season additions -- pitchers Kelvim Escobar and Bartolo Colon and outfielder Jose Guillen.

The Dodgers also announced a transfer of ownership, with News Corp selling to McCourt, although the deal has yet to be approved by baseball’s owners, who continue to scrutinize McCourt’s finances.

On the field, the Dodgers received a record-breaking performance from relief pitcher Eric Gagne, who had 55 saves in 55 opportunities and won the National League Cy Young Award. Imagine what Gagne might have achieved with a contender.

The Dodgers won 85 games and finished 15 1/2 games behind National League West winner San Francisco with a lineup so desperate for a lift, General Manager Dan Evans took a flier on 44-year old Rickey Henderson. Henderson fit right in, hitting .208 in 30 games with the Dodgers.

So far this winter, Evans’ most substantial move has been the dumping of Kevin Brown’s big salary and bad attitude on the New York Yankees, who lost the World Series to the Florida Marlins, lost Andy Pettitte to the Houston Astros and lost 300-game winner Roger Clemens either to retirement or the Astros. In other words, the Yankees are in panic mode, making them just the place for former Dodgers such as Brown and Gary Sheffield, who moved to the Bronx from Atlanta in December.

Late in the year, the local region had a fling with the lead character in the year’s feel-good sports story of 2003, Annika Sorenstam. Six months after becoming the first woman in nearly 60 years to participate in a PGA Tour event, Sorenstam tackled the annual all-male sanctuary known as the Skins Game at Trilogy Golf Club in La Quinta.

Sorenstam finished second, behind Fred Couples and ahead of Phil Mickelson and Mark O’Meara, showing Los Angeles, and the rest of the country, just what is possible when you break down a few barriers, block out a few tired preconceptions and, oh, yes, keep the computers as far away as possible.