Tuneup in Order, Not Overhaul

Rounding up the usual suspects, or, could all our local favorites take a step forward?

Not so fast, Lakers.

If they haven’t figured it out, if this doesn’t end well, it’ll go down as one of the flops of all time. Nor will it be any fun, as you could see last week, before they surprised everyone by winning at Phoenix and Sacramento, when the media slid into a no-reputation-gets-out-of-here-alive mode. They could have John Wooden on the bench, Michael Jordan in uniform and Jerry West in the front office and, in the absence of a happy ending, they’d all still wind up wearing their halos around their necks.

This is merely the other side of the process that over-inflated them in the first place, making them into “winners” who weren’t only champions but role models for your kids.

I’d be happy to blame sportswriting, but the sad truth is, where sport is involved, the whole world is as shallow as a birdbath.

Example: Chief executives bring in such coaches as Pat Riley and Rick Pitino, at $50,000 and up, to teach them their own business. Riley says proudly that he spends the whole day with company executives, learning their problems, so he can help them or, at least, sprinkle his speech with company-specific anecdotes.

I’ll bet everyone gets his picture taken with Riley and no one sells many more widgets as a consequence.

In real life, the Lakers have always had strengths and weaknesses. They are who they were, and are:

* Phil Jackson -- He mocks convention so contemptuously, sitting back and feigning lack of interest, he sets himself up, even among sharp NBA guys, one of whom recently confided, “Phil’s going to have to start coaching now.”

R-i-g-h-t, the old someone-wake-Phil routine. He wins nine titles in 12 seasons, is compared to Red Auerbach as the greatest ever and six months later, they’re measuring him for a dunce cap.

I would have thought that after the Lakers imploded in Shaquille O’Neal’s first three springs, then won three titles after Jackson arrived, his competence would have been established forever, but in this short-term-memory subculture, six months is a long time.

Crunch time has come early this season, leading to the inevitable rain dance, including a suggestion that Jackson isn’t the right coach for this team.

Huh? What do they do now? Get a new coach or a new team? This team is that team, the one that won the three titles. The players are almost all the same.

Nor is this their first monument to underachievement. You may remember they didn’t have the best record in the West en route to their second title and didn’t even win the Pacific Division championship en route to No. 3.

Nor is there a Mr. Right Coach to beam down (thanks for the memories, Phil) and give everyone that much-needed kick in the rear. If you haven’t noticed, the Lakers don’t respond to kicking and have already unseated two coaches (see: Harris, Del, and Rambis, Kurt) who displeased them.

Wait till the day the Lakers have to find someone as wily and poised to replace Jackson. With all his foibles, when Phil goes, they’ll know it.

* O’Neal -- It’s not as if once he dominated and now he doesn’t care.

He has always paced himself, especially on defense. Of course, he could also turn it on and be the greatest force the game had ever known.

Now, though, he’s 30, has won everything there is to win, has J.Lo’s and Halle’s cell numbers and often (as when reporters enter the room) wonders what he needs with this hassle. When talking, he rips everyone, which would be OK, or would even qualify as leadership, if he ever included himself.

His great body is no longer self-maintaining. Where once he got by with anti-inflammatories, now he undergoes surgery. Where once he was explosive, now he’s trying to get it back.

That’s the real problem. He is what he always was ... almost. At 80%, which is what he says he is, he’s still capable of putting up 36-10-6, as he did Friday in Sacramento, but the Lakers still miss that other 20%.

* Kobe Bryant -- Likewise, he is what he always was, growing up

At 17, he was a creature of his family, whom he lived with. Then he got over his alienation, began playing with teammates and they began winning titles. Then he decided he needed an MVP, leading to a standoff with Shaq and Phil.

At 24, he’s married, has a baby -- your typical new dad, overcome with joy, which is a trip for a young man who didn’t know there was anything bigger than the game.

Happily there is, but the Lakers, pressed as they are, need him to carry the franchise too.

Inside the Lakers’ bubble, as opposed to the hysteria that surrounds them, there’s a hard, unglamorous reality.

They can’t just do something to turn this around. Their answer lies within or there isn’t one, which is a distinct possibility.

There’s one thing they can do: Play the hand out, as dealt. It’s late and getting later, but it’s still a long way from over.

Faces and Figures

Circling the wagons, the Indiana Pacers railed against the four-game suspension given to Ron Artest, who actually got off light for 1) confronting Heat Coach Riley twice, 2) committing a flagrant foul against Caron Butler and 3) making an obscene gesture to Miami fans. All this 10 days after Artest’s three-game suspension for hurling a TV camera. Reggie Miller blasted “idiots” in the league office. Summing up the Pacers’ position, Jermaine O’Neal, said by opponents to be their real punk, asked, “Flexing your muscle and flipping somebody off. Is that wrong?”

Comment: Artest isn’t Dennis Rodman, whose relentless self-promotion wore everyone out, but he has a problem. If the Pacers haven’t noticed, while they keep supporting him, his incidents keep getting bigger and more frequent.

Still Vinsane after all this years: Toronto’s Vince Carter, who has played 13 games, nixed Washington Coach Doug Collins’ suggestion he let Michael Jordan start the All-Star game in his place, as Collins once did for Boston’s John Havlicek.

Said Carter, lamely, “I’m thankful of the opportunity to play, regardless of the amount of games I’ve played. That’s why I’ve taken the initiative to get back and get healthy and then play in some games so when I go to the All-Star game, I can go out there and have a lot of fun.”

So that’s why he came back.

Then Orlando’s Tracy McGrady, who deserved his starting spot, volunteered to give it up.

“For what Michael Jordan has done for this league and this game, I’ll do anything,” McGrady said. “It’s his last All-Star game. I’d love to see it.”

Comment would be superfluous.

Continuing to suggest that Marcus Fizer, not young Jamal Crawford, is the most out-of-control Bull, Coach Bill Cartwright ripped Fizer after the loss to the Clippers here as an “embarrassment.”

Fizer has actually turned into a hard-working player who can score. The Bulls are, nevertheless, trying to trade him and, as a Chicago insider noted, this may not help.

Not that this is a mutiny (yet), but there was also a scuffle between Donyell Marshall, who has been one of their best players, and one of Cartwright’s assistants, Bill Berry.

Meanwhile, Bull General Manager Jerry Krause, taking a needed vacation from his usual troubles, cried plaintively over Jalen Rose’s omission from the All-Star team.

“I wonder if the coaches who were voting on the thing are seeing the same things we’re seeing,” Krause said. “Jalen Rose is an All-Star. He belongs on the All-Star team. This is one of the worst decisions I’ve seen in a long time.”

Houston’s Yao Ming, continuing to deny he’s tired, sort of: “I’ve never been through something like this before. I don’t know if this is what you’d call tired or not. It’s like if you’ve never been drunk before and you get drunk for the first time, you don’t know that you’re drunk. But I’m definitely pretty exhausted in some games.”

Yao, on his pre-draft visit with the Bulls’ Krause: “He ate twice as much as I did.”