Clippers Can Soon Put James in Full Panic Mode

I say send him to jail. Teach the kid a little humility, or at least get him to the point where LeBron James isn’t talking about LeBron James in the third person, and we hear him scream like every other Clipper, “Get me out of here.”

Nine years ago this week, Clipper Ron Harper delivered the credo by which most players live when they play for this franchise: “I’m just doing my jail time. In about 65 or 70 more days my time is up and I’ll be out on GB, good behavior.”

Word is the kid has a thing for throw-back jerseys, well, let’s see him put on a Clipper jersey and watch how long it takes him before he wants to throw it back.

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IT’S TIME to call on the Clippers to do what they do better than any other franchise in the league, which is lose and improve their draft lottery chances. They no longer have any chance of finishing .500, advancing to the playoffs or playing up to expectations, so why try now?

I mean what’s with the one-point victory over Phoenix on Tuesday? That was a devastating victory. There’s no question Elton Brand’s propensity to play hard every night and the injury that is keeping Michael Olowokandi off the floor are going to make it very difficult for the Clippers to be consistently lousy.

But they’re still the Clippers.

Before Wednesday night’s game, the Clippers had the seventh-worst record in the league, which would give them 44 of 1,001 ping-pong balls in the May 18 draft lottery and a 4.4% chance of landing the Akron (Ohio) high school whiz kid.

Frankly, they need to lose more.

Wednesday night’s 108-104 failure against the Wizards was a great start. The Clippers not only lost, but they allowed the sellout crowd, which came here to watch Michael Jordan excel one last time, to do just that. (That’s become a Clipper trademark in recent years -- the fans having fun while watching the Clippers lose.)

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THE GAME probably ended after his bedtime, but I wonder if the kid has started scoreboard watching. I can only imagine the nightmares he might have after every Clipper loss. Cleveland, Denver and Chicago are going to be tough to overcome. All three lost Wednesday night, but fortunately Toronto and Memphis hurt their causes with victories.

On the bright side, the way Andre Miller has been playing recently, the Clippers can still lose to any team on most nights.

History is also on the Clippers’ side. Since they moved to L.A., the team has averaged about 26 victories a season, which would have given them the fourth-worst record in the league a season ago and a 12% ping-pong ball chance of landing the kid. I’m just suggesting they play to form.

Houston finished with the fifth-worst record in the league last season, and although it only had an 8.9% chance of securing the No. 1 pick, the lottery went its way and now Yao Ming is playing for the Rockets.

I mean, wouldn’t you like to see the look on the kid’s face -- or the posse that swarms around him -- if the Clippers get that first pick? It might even scare him straight, and get him to consider college as an alternative to making millions in prison. I’d just like to see Donald Sterling have to contend with James’ mother.

The Clippers, of course, are going to need James. The latest group of young and exciting Clippers are almost grown up now and insisting on more money, which means they will soon be playing elsewhere clearing the way for a new crop of victims.

Wouldn’t it be a kick to see James, who could probably learn a thing or two about keeping things in perspective, drive his Hummer H2 to Clipper practices every day? (I’d also like to see the kid’s reaction when he finds out that St. Vincent-St. Mary High appears on TV more than the Clippers do.)

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WE HAVE a problem though. Some of the folks who follow the NBA do so from a grassy knoll. There are a number of conspiracy theorists who can tell you about the bent envelope that allowed the New York Knicks to get the first pick in the 1985 draft, and as a result, Patrick Ewing.

Some point to the way the officials tilted the sixth game of the playoff series with Sacramento last season in favor of the Lakers, while others wonder out loud why TV seems to always end up with a major-market team in the NBA Finals.

And there’s more funny business. The league has changed rules midway through a struggling Laker season, extending the first round of the playoffs from five games to seven. A longer series would favor the Lakers, and reduce the chance of an upset and early TV exit from the playoffs.

It’s a good thing I’m not a conspiracy theorist, because I’d probably be writing a column right about now suggesting there’s no way the NBA is going to allow James to get lost in Memphis, Denver, Toronto or Cleveland.

And if you buy the idea the league is already helping the Lakers with its new playoff format, it surely isn’t going to help the Clippers when the Knicks are sitting across the country in desperate need of a marquee draw.

Call me optimistic, but I believe the Clippers can overcome all that, completely collapse down the stretch and secure enough ping-pong balls to hurt this kid where it really matters: Do you think anyone will care what kind of shoes LeBron James is wearing if he’s playing for the Clippers?

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Jerry Camporredondo:

“Ever notice walking out of Staples that the Hotel Figueroa -- the one with the pics of Kobe Bryant -- has only three towers. Good prediction on their part...”

The way Kobe’s playing they better start building a fourth tower.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com