After a Personal Check, He Has to Write One

So you know me -- just joking. It was a week ago, deadline looming and needed another punch line. Heard this thing about UCLA women’s basketball Coach Kathy Olivier declaring she’d donate $1,000 to the Mattel Children’s Hospital if more than 5,000 fans came to Saturday’s game at Pauley Pavilion. Ridiculous. Knowing how much interest there is in women’s basketball, I wrote, “I’d donate $1,000 if the Bruins drew a crowd of more than 5,000.” You know, ha, ha, ha, fat chance, ladies.

The week went by without giving a thought to women’s basketball. No reason why this week should be different than any other. The Bruins averaged little more than 1,000 fans a game this season -- didn’t know they had that many friends and family.

Saturday came, I turned on TV and the women were playing. The guys in the office were yelling to turn to golf. I swore I heard cheering fans, however, so I decided to go to Pauley and count heads, because I know how upset the wife would be if I wrote a $1,000 check out of her account, and she got ripped off.

When I arrived at UCLA the parking attendants were no longer taking money. This would never happen at USC -- the Trojans are always in position to take your money. Saved seven bucks. Noticed a bunch of school buses parked nearby, which should have been a clue.

Bought a ticket for $3 -- half price, I figured it was halftime. Saved three bucks. What a deal -- now you know why I never go to USC. Found thousands of kids running around and a flyer touting this as “Half-Price Ticket Day at Pauley Pavilion.” I understood now why there were so many buses and felt a pain in my wallet.

With seven minutes to go, it was announced there were 5,029 in attendance -- 5,028 and me. A taped message from Olivier immediately followed on the overhead scoreboard thanking everyone for exceeding the goal. It almost drowned out my shouts for an audit.

UCLA assistant AD Betsy Stevenson walked onto the court with an oversized check from Olivier, and gave it to one of the children’s hospital doctors as if this had already been rehearsed and they knew more than 5,000 people would be here. That’s when Stevenson asked if I had my checkbook with me, and I sure could have used a little help from Jim Harrick Jr. at that moment.

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I’M NOT sure what upset me more: half-price tickets to paper the house, thousands of innocent kids bused in and forced to watch the horror of a women’s basketball game, or knowing now I’m going to have to spend extra time with Max Kellerman on “Around the Horn” to repay the wife once she finds out she’s $1,000 shy in her checking account.

The Bruins won a 56-54 thriller with senior Michelle Greco getting the winning bucket in her final appearance in Pauley. The game was actually entertaining. I’d almost say it was worth the price of admission, but in this case that’d be $1,003.

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CORRECTION: THAT would be $1,043.00. I just found a parking ticket on my car with a fine of $40. I’m not complaining. At USC it would have been towed.

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MICHAEL OLOWOKANDI Part II: The Big Stiff remained a no-show at Staples Center. Both the Clipper coach and the GM said they’d have nothing to say before spilling their guts.

“Mum is the word,” said GM Elgin Baylor, and then he explained it is Olowokandi’s medical advisors and Coach Alvin Gentry who have advised Olowokandi to stay away until he can dance like Fred Astaire. Baylor said Gentry has the power to fine Olowokandi, but is telling the media something different than what he is telling Olowokandi, and I should talk to Olowokandi. I suggested to Baylor he might want to talk to his coach.

Gentry threw his arms in the air when told the GM says he has the power to fine Olowokandi, and said, “I’m sticking with what I said earlier, if he can walk, he should be here.”

Olowokandi can walk, but his medical advisors are telling the Clippers he can’t sit for long periods because his knee is swollen. Olowokandi has yet to show the Clippers’ medical staff his surgically repaired knee.

Elton Brand is hurt and out of uniform, but sitting on the Clipper bench. Olowokandi was booed in Staples when playing, and I suspect he has no interest in exposing himself to further catcalls -- sitting on the bench.

He’s being paid $6 million, though, to represent the Clippers. As an organization the Clippers could have put a stop to all this “he said, but what he meant to say stuff” by insisting Olowokandi make an appearance in Staples on Saturday night. But no one seems to have the power here to insist on anything.

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FOX SPORTS Net 2 has worked out a five-year “LeBron James” broadcast deal with the Clippers. With interest in the Clippers at an all-time low, it’s the only thing that makes sense -- signing the Clippers to a deal in the hopes they continue to lose this year and improve their lottery chances of winning the James sweepstakes.

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FORMER TIMES sports columnist John Hall will be inducted into the USC Athletic Hall of Fame on May 3. I hope when my time comes, it’s President Steven Sample who calls to give me the news.

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ACCORDING TO the team’s Web site, pitcher Odalis Perez said the Dodgers are the team to beat in the National League West. “By far,” he said. I have half a mind to say I’ll donate a $1,000 to the Mattel Children’s Hospital if the Dodgers ...

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Johnny B:

“Does it ever bother you that nobody likes you?”

I’ve been married for 30 years, so I guess not.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com