Keeping Soup du Jeer Off the Menu

News item: An Orange County woman has sued an Irvine restaurant, saying she found a condom in her clam chowder after asking that her bowl be reheated.

All right, people, if I could have your attention. I’m Jerry from Corporate. (Smattering of applause)

I’m over on the Customer Relations side of the business. We’re the ones who put out the handbook on dealing with the public, sort of the do’s and don’ts of the business. I know you think you hear from us only when there’s a problem, but we don’t want you to feel that way.

Actually, we don’t see you folks nearly enough, and we thought we were long overdue for a get-together. So here I am. We realize you’re on the front lines -- cooks, servers, greeters, busboys -- and, believe me, we appreciate what you all do every day for the company. We know it’s not easy out there. There’s a lot of anger and impatience in our society these days.

We thought today might be a good time to review something not specifically covered in the handbook. Some of you may know this stuff, some of you might not. If I repeat some things you already have thought about, I apologize. The main thing is, we want to keep this positive.

As you all know, one of our valued customers had an unpleasant experience at one of our restaurants. Of course, I’m referring to the woman who found the condom in her chowder. (Titters of laughter from the audience)

Please, don’t laugh -- someone may be taping this meeting. In fact, let me say it right now: No one should ever find a condom in their clam chowder. At least, not at our place.

Now, let me anticipate your next question: Is it specifically prohibited in our employee handbook? The answer is no. But rest assured the condom ban will be included in the updated edition for next year. We’re putting it in the section titled “What to Do if the Food Tastes Funny,” which will come right after the first section in the handbook, “Never Strike a Customer.” We hope the prominent placement in the handbook will demonstrate just how strongly we feel about contraceptive devices in our menu items. We ask that you read the section carefully, even if you’ve done so in previous years. As always, we’ll be eager to get your suggestions on how to phrase things.

I won’t pretend that some people didn’t make light of this incident. We at Corporate chuckled for a moment when one of you said it merely was the kickoff to our “Safe Soup” campaign, but be advised these jokes are inappropriate.

Don’t think for a moment that we at Corporate are pointing fingers at you. Yes, we’ve wondered how a condom could have gotten into a bowl of soup without our knowledge. Who among us hasn’t wanted to have some fun with our customers -- if only to break up a slow day? And yes, we’ve all seen TV reports on how employees at other restaurants have put disgusting items in people’s food. But that’s not who we are, people.

Several of you have asked in recent months whether there are any foreign objects we can put in people’s food, if only as a wake-up call to them. The answer is an emphatic no. Can I stop a server from sprinkling a little extra Tabasco in someone’s chowder? Of course not. Can I insist that the kitchen not overcook the potatoes? No. Those are judgment calls for you to make if you have an annoying customer, and we trust you.

But Corporate is of one mind about this: no condoms in the soup. And just to be clear -- we’re referring to all soups, not just the chowder.

So, let me summarize my three main points: 1) We trust you, 2) We know you can get bored on the job, 3) No condoms in the clam chowder.

Questions?

Good, now let’s all get back to work and, as we like to say at Corporate, “Bon appetit.”

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Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. He can be reached at (714) 966-7821 or at dana. parsons@latimes.com.