Don’t Count on Too Many RSVPs to This NFL Party

Rocket Ismail works for ESPN now, and his big assignment for today’s Big Game at the Big House is to narrate a pregame feature on the history of the Notre Dame-Michigan football rivalry.

I am sure Michigan fans will appreciate it. Especially the part when they get to 1989 and Rocket gets to talk about Rocket returning one kickoff 88 yards and another 92 yards in Notre Dame’s 24-19 victory over the Wolverines.

What a TV concept: Lure the viewers in with a high-stakes, high-interest attraction, then rub their noses in it.

The NFL loves the idea, which is why league officials are considering -- no kidding -- the possibility of moving next year’s season-opening kickoff party to Los Angeles.

You up for that one, L.A.?

You have no NFL team.

You have no stadium the NFL can stomach.

You lost the Rams to St. Louis in 1995 -- and four years after that, they finally won the Super Bowl.

You lost the Raiders to Oakland in 1995 -- and seven years after that, they finally returned to the Super Bowl.

You had the NFL waggle the prospect of an expansion team in your face, then pull it away -- and that expansion team, an outfit now known as the Houston Texans, is undefeated after beating the Dolphins last Sunday in Miami.

LET’S PARTY!

Georgia Frontiere? Come on down! Bring that Lombardi Trophy too! Hold it over your head, grab a microphone and tell us again how this “proves we did the right thing!” Then hop into the mosh pit and lead the old L.A. punk band X in a rousing rendition of “Los Angeles,” the group’s prescient 1980 single that foreshadowed the Rams’ move by a good 15 years:

“She had to leave

“Los Angeles . . .

“She gets confused

“Flying over the dateline”

Al Davis? You’re invited too! Make a cameo, take a bow, join the remaining members of the Who onstage for a sing-along version of “Won’t Get Fooled Again.”

Fans? OK, that could be a problem. Maybe the league could fly in some. Remember, this would be a September Thursday in NFL-free L.A. Late afternoon, early evening. Where are all the people? Either on the freeway or in a sports bar, getting ready to watch the NFL.

That’s an L.A. tradition now in its ninth year. Meanwhile, Los Angeles continues to prove conclusively that it will support a local football team, provided it belongs to the Pac-10. There’s an obvious reason for this. USC and UCLA are unlikely to pull up stakes and move to Western Kentucky or Alabama Birmingham any time soon.

College football, pro football and other offerings available for viewing this weekend:

TODAY

* Notre Dame at Michigan

(Channel 7, 12:30 p.m.)

It’s No. 15 Notre Dame at No. 5 Michigan in the 31st game of a rivalry that began in 1887. Michigan won the inaugural meeting, 8-0. Having seen Notre Dame’s 2003 offense, it would be an easy cheap shot to say Michigan will win by the same score today. Too easy. Probably, Notre Dame will kick a field goal.

* Hawaii at USC

(Fox Sports Net, 1 p.m.)

Hawaii quarterback Timmy Chang, on pace to break the NCAA’s career passing record, played his prep ball at Honolulu’s St. Louis High, succeeding Jason Gesser. So, when does Kansas State upgrade its schedule and book a home-and-home with St. Louis High?

* Illinois at UCLA

(Channel 7, 5 p.m.)

It’s Saturday in Los Angeles. Do you know which holding cell your favorite Bruin occupies right now?

* Oscar De La Hoya vs. Shane Mosley II

(Pay-per-view, 6 p.m.)

Football fans will watch anything with a Roman numeral. Boxing has noticed. So the De La Hoya-Mosley rematch gets tagged with one too. It does lend a regal air to the proceedings. De La Hoya-Mosley II. To the victor go the spoils. Pending the result of Mosley’s protest over the size of De La Hoya’s protective cup.

* San Diego Padres at Dodgers

(Channel 13, 7 p.m.)

Remember Fernandomania? If you don’t, the Dodger Stadium reaction to Eric Gagne’s relief appearances provides a reasonable facsimile. So why do local stations persist in cutting to a commercial whenever Gagne trots out of the bullpen gate? Milk that moment. Keep a camera trained on Gagne’s every step to the mound. Keep the microphones open too. Hold the commercial until Gagne reaches the pitching rubber. It’s not as if Dodger fans have much to cheer about when the home team’s at bat.

* Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader 2004 Swimsuit Calendar Show

(ESPN2, 8:30 p.m.)

From Cozumel, Mexico. ABC goes scouting for next season’s “Monday Night Football” sideline reporter.

SUNDAY

* San Francisco 49ers at St. Louis Rams

(Channel 11, 10 a.m.)

Ram Coach Mike Martz watched film of the 49ers’ season-opening 49-7 rout of the Chicago Bears, and it made his head hurt. So Kurt Warner (six sacks, six fumbles in his season opener) sits to rest a mild concussion and Marc Bulger (6-1 in seven 2002 starts) plays instead. For safety reasons, of course. Martz’s job security took a pounding last week.

* Cincinnati Bengals at Oakland Raiders

(Channel 2, 1:15 p.m.)

Boomer Esiason, this week on NFL.com: “After watching the first regular-season games ... it looked as if some quarterbacks had never played before. I’ll be the first one to appreciate the position and how your numbers are affected by everybody’s performance around you. But when watching and analyzing some of this past week’s games, it seemed as if some of these quarterbacks hadn’t taken enough snaps in the preseason or were completely lost on the field.” Not to name names, but Jon Kitna makes his second start of the season against the Raiders.

* WNBA Finals, Game 2

(Channel 7, 1 p.m.)

L.A. sports fans have a choice: Watch Kitna throw more interceptions -- or the hometown Sparks bid for a three-peat with longtime NBA foes Michael Cooper and Bill Laimbeer going head-to-head for old times’ sake. Last Sunday, the Sparks’ playoff game against Sacramento drew an 0.5 local rating on ESPN2. So: How about those Raiders?