Chargers, Dodgers Putting Final Nails in Their Coffins

I stopped by the Chargers’ practice complex Monday on my way to watch the Dodger game -- my punishing day, I guess, to spend time with teams on the verge of not making the playoffs.

By night’s end, I learned the Chargers have a quarterback and the Dodgers a starting pitcher who have something in common -- they don’t have much on the ball.

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NOW IF there was ever a game sitting there to be won, it was Monday night’s baseball game in Qualcomm Stadium. The Dodgers matched against the Padres, 2-8 in their last 10 games and starting a pitcher who was winless this season.

Unfortunately, the Dodgers countered with Odalis Perez.

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PEREZ CERTIFIED himself as a flake recently when he told the Dodgers he couldn’t pitch because of a boo-boo on his finger. The Dodgers lost that game and faith in Perez, although Edwin Jackson impressed again. (Nice knowing you, Odalis).

Beginning the final week of the season, it was gut-check time Monday for the Dodgers, but after giving up two straight singles, Perez was picking at his fingernail -- so intent on doing so, he forgot to back up third base.

A third-straight hit produced a run, and on Perez’s 11th pitch, Phil Nevin planted it in the left-field seats for a three-run homer. Perez did not come out for the second inning, his finger too painful, I guess, to allow him to wave the white towel.

The score after one inning: Padres 4, Choking Dogs 0.

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THE SCOREBOARD had the Marlins already beating the Braves, giving Florida a magic number of five to eliminate the Dodgers from the wild-card race. It seemed to really fire up the Dodgers.

The score after four innings: Padres 7, Choking Dogs 0.

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WHEN I stopped by to visit with the San Diego Slugs earlier in the day I expected to find them worse off than the Dodgers, maybe moaning and groaning. They are 0-3 on the heels of four straight defeats to close out last season, but running back LaDainian Tomlinson was telling the media, “I see our confidence is growing.”

Sounds to me like he has the makings to be head coach at UCLA one day.

“I still think we’re a good football team,” declared Charger Coach Marty Schottenheimer, and I wonder what the last words of the captain on the Titanic were.

Quarterback Drew Brees also contributed to the nonsense, and asked what he thought after reviewing videotape of the Chargers’ 24-10 loss to Baltimore, he said, “It looked pretty good at times.”

Wouldn’t you like to know what some of his favorite movies are?

“We took steps in the right direction,” Brees said. “We’re going to be a better team for this.”

Now I have two daughters and lots of relatives, so I hear people say stupid things all the time. I’ve also been married for 31 years. Usually I just ignore it when someone says something stupid, which explains why I’ve been married for 31 years.

But one athlete on top of another muttering crazy stuff is just too much to take, especially when you know you still have to go to the ballpark later and listen to what the Micro Manager has to say.

“Do you know how ridiculous the things you are saying sound?” I asked Brees, and while Associated Press reported later, “Brees bristled” in their account of our exchange, I think it would be more accurate to say “Page Two bristled.”

“I think this was our best game of the year so far,” Brees shot back, and I might add, with a straight face.

You were out of the game to start the fourth quarter, I said/snapped, the third time this season the Chargers have started the fourth quarter trailing by at least 20 points. You weren’t even competitive.

“We were definitely in the game in the fourth quarter,” Brees insisted. And UCLA still has a chance to win the Pac-10 title this season.

I told Brees he was talking as if there’s some reason for hope when the Chargers have done nothing but stink up the joint, losing 10 of their last 12. Arizona has a better record than the Chargers.

“There’s plenty of hope,” said Brees. “And you know what, we’re a lot better team now than we were last week ... We’re going to continue to go up and up, and we still have the playoffs in our mind.”

Try just winning a game.

“Sure, we’re 0-3,” said Brees, who had three passes intercepted while throwing for no touchdowns against Baltimore. “But we’re a better team for it. We learned a lot from it. Sometimes you’ve got to go down before you can go up.”

The Chargers are 31-68 since 1997 in their effort to go down before going up again. They have only two more wins than the Cincinnati Bengals the last three-plus seasons, and play their next three games on the road.

“What paper do you write for?” Brees asked when he left, and when told, “The Times,” he replied, “Awful.”

I know this, The Times will be at the playoffs.

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I’M SORRY, I didn’t forget the Dodgers, I just lost interest in their all-important game. The Padres have an 8-3 lead after five, and I would imagine if Brees were a Dodger fan he’d be telling me the Big Blue has the Padres right where they want them.

Unfortunately, I’ve seen the Choking Dogs play this season.

Final score: Padres 9, Choking Dogs 5.

Florida’s magic number is reduced to four, which probably still puts them in better shape of making the playoffs than the Chargers.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.